Hidden Scars
by sheepish123
Summary: Olivia and Amanda have shared a very close relationship for the past couple of years, their friendship beginning to verge on romance, but Amanda is hiding a very dark secret from her boss and Olivia is determined to find out what it is. Takes place in season 16. Very dark. Major trigger warnings inside. Olivia/Amanda pairing. *INCOMPLETE*
1. Chapter 1

**This story takes place in the 16** **th** **season and starts off during the episode "Decaying Morality", and is a different take on what happens after Olivia and Amanda's coffee date, as well as what happened after the Lewis saga. Noah doesn't exist in this story. I'm not sure how long this fic will be yet; maybe just a couple of chapters or maybe multiple chapters.**

 _ **MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS**_ **for mentions of rape and self harm, as well as later scenes that will contain explicit sexual content. This story will be graphic at times and may be disturbing to some readers, so please be aware of this before you continue reading if you think it will upset you in any way.**

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 _Scars on your soul_

 _Scars on your skin_

 _Some are on the outside_

 _Some are within_

 _Some have a story_

 _Some are unwritten_

 _Some you can see_

 _But most are quite hidden_

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Olivia Benson sips carefully on her hot cup of coffee, a small smile playing at the corners of her lips as she watches her subordinate speak, mentally taking note of every little expression on Amanda's face and any changes in her tone or demeanor during their conversation. They are sitting across from each other at the window of the little coffee shop, the cold February air seeping right through the glass and causing Olivia's fingers to tighten around the heat of her mug in order to keep her hands warm.

Amanda had gotten back from her yoga retreat in Costa Rica earlier that day and is perched comfortably on her stool, explaining in a very calm and composed manner that her trip had gone quite well and she is doing so much better than she was when Charles Patton had been in town the month before and everything had fallen apart after the older man had wreaked his usual sadistic brand of havoc. Olivia is keeping the smile fixed firmly on her face in order to assure her colleague that she believes everything she is saying and is happy that Amanda is doing so well; choosing to keep her skepticism to herself, at least for the time being.

Based on her own horrific experiences with William Lewis, she is well aware that Amanda's words may not match how she is actually feeling, and Olivia is determined to keep a close watch on the younger woman for the very near future. They have shared quite the volatile relationship over the past couple of years, since the blonde detective had unexpectedly taken it upon herself to help Olivia through her long and arduous recovery process after that monster had abducted and tortured her for four straight days, and an odd sort of friendship had sprung up between them in the aftermath; a relationship that often seems to greatly confuse them both. Sometimes so gentle and understanding with one another and at other times the complete opposite, they have yet to find a middle ground, and Olivia often feels as if she is suffering from severe whiplash due to the speed with which they swing back and forth with each other; from friends to enemies to something that might actually verge on romantic but hasn't fully crossed over that line yet.

Amanda had been so uncharacteristically tender and caring and supportive, stopping by quite frequently to check on Olivia's state of mind in the weeks directly following the first abduction, and their relationship had deepened from one of work colleagues to actual friendship, even though they had continued to bounce back and forth between getting along and being at each other's throats when they disagreed on something, which was usually quite often. They have since shared more evenings at one another's places than Olivia can count and are sometimes quite touchy-feely, snuggling under the same blanket on the couch while watching a movie or sleeping wrapped up in each other's arms in the same bed, but it has never gone past cuddling and the occasional quick, chaste kiss on the cheek or lips as an affectionate form of greeting or farewell.

Olivia has privately acknowledged that her feelings run quite deep for the blonde detective and she is fairly certain that Amanda's do too, even when they act like they can't stand one another and don't see each other outside of work for weeks on end due to the passionate arguing that often seems to take place when they are together. The ups and downs of their perplexing relationship make Olivia's head spin more often than not, and she knows that she hadn't helped the situation by repeatedly pushing Amanda away after Lewis had abducted her for the second time. Unable to deal with help or comfort in any form from the younger woman due to yet another devastating trauma right on the heels of the one she hadn't even fully recovered from, Olivia had been overwhelmed with life in general and was not equipped to handle her own issues or Amanda's either; the other woman's gambling problems and self destructive behavior spiraling out of control during that time and wreaking havoc both on the job and in her personal life.

Whatever it was that they had been building between them; this odd friendship of sorts where they are shouting at each other one minute and curled up intimately together the next, had crashed and burned for a short period of time as they had both needed to sort through their individual issues and decide how to proceed with their lives without completely falling apart. They had just been slowly starting to mend things and move forward with one another again when Deputy Chief Patton had arrived in New York with Detective Reese Taymor and everything had gone to hell once more.

Olivia had been hit very hard by the heartbreaking revelations of Amanda's past and from having to watch her co-worker struggle so much during Patton's trial, and she vows to be there for Amanda like the detective was there for her after the ordeals with Lewis. As she watches the smaller woman serenely sip her cup of coffee while they sit across from one another at the table, Olivia is not buying this stoic act for a second and is sure that she can sense an undercurrent of discontent thrumming beneath the placidity of the surface.

"This was really nice," Amanda says cheerfully as they exit the coffee shop and head out into the frigid winter night, both women pulling woolly hats down low over their foreheads to guard against the chill in the air. "Thanks for a nice evening, Liv. I'll see you at work tomorrow."

"Wait, you're leaving?" Olivia replies, unable to keep the disappointment and concern from her voice and noticing the other woman's slight frown in response.

"Well...yeah," Amanda says slowly, stopping short in her tracks as she stares back at Olivia with curiosity. "I thought we done here. I was just going to head home and watch a movie or something."

"I like movies," Olivia answers lightly and watches Amanda roll her eyes, the smaller woman's lip quirking up at the side.

"Yes, I know that. Liv. We've certainly watched enough of them together by now."

"So you weren't going to invite me to watch this one?" Olivia continues, making sure to keep her tone breezy and somewhat teasing when she speaks.

"I don't even know what I'm watching yet." Amanda rolls her eyes again and fixes Olivia with an irritated look, one blonde eyebrow arching dramatically. "You know, you're a little transparent there, Liv," she chuckles ruefully. "You don't care about the movie. You just want to follow me home to make sure I'm okay, even though I've already told you multiple times that I'm fine."

"So you go on a yoga retreat and everything is just magically perfect right afterwards?" Olivia asks skeptically, and this time it is her turn to arch an eyebrow. "Look, I'm worried about you, Amanda. You've been through a lot lately and I just want to be here for you like you were there for me after what happened with Lewis."

Amanda's rather annoyed expression softens at this response, and she takes a step toward Olivia to lay a gentle hand on her arm. "I appreciate your concern, Liv, but I really am okay."

"So no nightmares or flashbacks or urges to gamble, or anything like that, then?" Olivia casually inquires, peering closely at the younger woman and tenderly squeezing the hand resting on her arm when Amanda doesn't answer immediately, big blue eyes darting away from her own probing dark gaze and focusing on something down the street.

"Alright, fine, if it'll make you feel better, I guess you can come home with me and watch a movie," the detective finally replies with a resigned sigh, clearly choosing to sidestep the question as her arm falls limply back down by her side.

"That would be great," Olivia says softly, missing Amanda's touch instantly and fighting the urge to reach out and link their arms together while they walk, a hint of guilt at inviting herself over causing her stomach muscles to tighten painfully, but the guilt is not nearly enough to apologize and head back to her own place instead.

They are very quiet during the trip to Amanda's building and Olivia feels a slight amount of trepidation dwelling inside of her for what is to come; that not only does she not feel entirely welcome in Amanda's presence but the other woman is also giving off some disconcerting vibes now, like something is definitely not quite right. When they arrive at Amanda's apartment, they sip on mugs of tea while sitting side by side on the couch with Frannie stretched out on the floor at their feet, trying to decide which movie to watch, although Olivia would much prefer to keep talking. After being so chatty and content at the coffee shop, Amanda has lapsed into complete and utter silence, her head resting tiredly against the cushions as she flips through the list of films, seemingly drained of all energy and unable to choose one.

Olivia's arm is resting comfortably across the back of the couch and she slowly flexes her fingers so that they reach out and touch Amanda's head briefly before beginning to comb gently though the long blonde tresses, idly playing with the golden strands by twirling them repeatedly around one of her fingers. The younger woman doesn't say anything to indicate that she is displeased with this action, and she takes it as a good sign when Amanda inclines her head slightly toward her as if asking for Olivia to continue on with the soothing, repetitive motion. She readily complies, shifting toward her colleague on the cushions so their bodies are almost touching, and feathering her fingertips through hair as delicate as spun silk, Amanda sighing softly in response and emitting her first noise since they have sat down.

"Do you want me to stay overnight with you?" Olivia asks quietly, watching as the other woman's eyelids flutter shut under the tender ministrations and glad that she has been able to help her relax somewhat.

"I don't know," Amanda whispers, her words uncertain but her actions the complete opposite as she leans more heavily into Olivia's touch like she is in need of comfort and security.

She decides to close the tiny gap that is left between them, molding the sides of their bodies together and easing a gentle arm around Amanda's shoulders, fingernails scratching lightly at the material of her white woolen sweater. "I just want to make you feel safe," Olivia explains softly into her co-worker's ear. "I can hold you while you sleep, like you held me so many times after Lewis."

"You're holding me now," Amanda points out, snuggling deeper into her warm embrace even though her words seem to suggest that she doesn't want to take things any further, both of Olivia's arms closing around the small frame and her lips coming to rest against lilac-scented hair, reminded once again of how complicated this relationship is and never knowing quite where she stands with Amanda.

"But I want to _keep_ holding you," Olivia insists in a heartfelt tone, gathering the blonde detective as close to her as possible and feeling a deep wave of protectiveness and affection washing over her, along with something else that she is far too frightened to name; a feeling that has been growing stronger and stronger as times goes on. "I want to do this for you, Amanda. Please let me be here for you like you were there for me."

"Liv, you keep saying that but when I was there for you, the incident with Lewis had just happened; it was still very fresh. What happened with Patton was _years_ ago." There is a hint of shame apparent in Amanda's voice when she speaks and Olivia frowns in response, pulling back slightly to try and look the other woman in the eye.

"So, what?" she asks in confusion.

"So..." Amanda opens her eyes and stares at Olivia for a long moment, that well of shame seeming to grow deeper in those bottomless blue depths before her gaze slides away again, much like it had outside of the coffee shop earlier in the evening. "So it was a long time ago, Liv. It doesn't matter so much now. I'm over it."

"Well, what happened with Patton and Reese wasn't a long time ago," Olivia replies softly, her heart breaking at Amanda's shamefully uttered words. "The trial was only a few weeks ago. And Amanda, what happened with you and Patton is still important, no matter how long ago it was. And I think you know that," she chastises as gently as she can, jostling the detective very lightly in her embrace and pausing before speaking again.

"And I don't believe you when you say that you're over it. I think the trial has brought up all kinds of terrible memories for you that you've been trying to deal with alone over the past little while." She grasps onto Amanda's chin with tender fingers, trying to get the other woman to look at her again. "Am I right about that?"

There is complete silence for so long that Olivia thinks Amanda isn't going to speak at all, her blonde colleague staring intently at her with a startling amount of untold emotion is those big blue eyes that she finds herself getting lost in more often than not, even when they are snapping and snarling at each other, their fights igniting fires of an intense passion that she has never known before. But Olivia wants to be nothing but gentle and supportive now, a shoulder to cry on for the woman who has come to mean so much to her over the past couple of years; Amanda never giving up on her or backing down even when Olivia had done nothing but push her away in the aftermath of her own trauma, the two of them always seeming to find their way back to each other no matter how far they might stray, clawing their way back to this strange relationship that doesn't seem to fit into a proper category.

"I'm having flashbacks again," Amanda admits in a tone so low that Olivia has to strain to hear her. "A lot of them." The younger woman takes a deep breath before continuing, Olivia giving her arm a compassionate squeeze. "I've had nightmares off and on for years now, but before Patton came to town, I hadn't experienced a flashback since I still lived in Atlanta. I feel like I've been blindsided by them once again."

"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Olivia whispers empathetically, pressing her lips to Amanda's forehead in a tender kiss that is meant to convey comfort but perhaps lingering there a second too long, as the other woman is gazing at her with an unreadable expression on her face when she pulls away. "How have you been dealing with all of this stuff? How are you coping with everything?"

Amanda shrugs uneasily, looking distinctly uncomfortable now. "I've been going to meetings," she mutters vaguely with a wave of her hand.

"Okay, that's good," Olivia assures her softly, that odd feeling hitting her again that something is off with the other woman but she can't quite put her finger on what it is. "That takes care of any gambling urges, but what about the rest of it? The nightmares and flashbacks or anything else that's been going on? How is your therapy going?"

Amanda's face is utterly blank for a long moment and Olivia frowns suspiciously in response. "I'm sure Dr. Lindstrom recommended someone good for you after that referral appointment I made with him," she prods gently, her frown becoming deeper when the younger woman disentangles their arms and pulls away from her entirely before getting to her feet.

"Look, Liv, I appreciate your concern but therapy just isn't for me, alright?" Amanda replies with a weary tiredness, like she would rather be having any conversation but this one. "What works for you might not work for everyone else, okay? I have my own way of dealing with things."

"Oh?" Olivia says curiously, one eyebrow quirking up in reply and trying not to show how disappointed she is that not only is the small detective no longer wrapped up in her embrace but that she had apparently not even attended her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom. "And what might that be?"

Amanda rolls her eyes and whirls swiftly around on her heel like she is about to begin heading out of the room. "None of your business, Olivia," she snaps in a disgruntled tone, and Olivia feels that hint of anger and annoyance that often seem to pepper their conversations with one another pushing to the surface, but she tamps the negative feelings down, resolving to be there for Amanda in her time of need and not let the other woman's snarky attitude get to her.

"Okay, I'm sorry," she replies quietly, holding both hands up in the air in a gesture of resignation. "I won't pry if you don't want me to. You're absolutely right; whether or not you attend therapy is entirely your choice and not my decision to make, even though I pushed it on you before. I won't do that again, alright?"

"Alright," Amanda agrees slowly, both eyebrows raising in complete surprise and a hint of disbelief coloring her irritated expression, seemingly unable to reign in her next words. "Olivia Benson is actually backing off and minding her own business? Has hell frozen over?"

Olivia barks out a short laugh at the playful and serious mix in Amanda's tone and she gets to her feet as well, hands balanced on her hips as she regards the smaller woman standing in front of her, unsure of whether to hug the detective or shake her due to Amanda's usual stubborn attitude, the detective always intent on doing things by herself in her own way. "I have actually been known to mind my own business from time to time, Amanda," she says softly, taking a step toward the other woman. "I will admit that it's harder to accomplish when it comes to you, though."

Amanda doesn't say anything but Olivia can see her lips twitch slightly in response and a pink blush color her usually pale cheeks as they regard each other intensely in the dim lighting of the living room, so much having gone unspoken between them for a very long time now. Before Olivia can open her mouth to finally put a voice to some of these thoughts and feelings that have been whirling insistently around inside of her brain, Amanda starts talking first.

"You're welcome to stay overnight, if you want, Liv,'' the younger woman whispers with a hesitant smile, Olivia smiling gratefully back. "I'm just going to get changed for bed and find you something to sleep in, okay? I'll be back in a minute."

"Okay," Olivia agrees in the same whispered tone, smiling at the smaller woman again before settling back down on the couch, Frannie hopping up from her position on the floor and laying her head in Olivia's lap.

She strokes her fingers slowly over the dog's furry ears, lost in thought as she waits for Amanda to reappear and listening to the detective shuffling around in the next room, opening and closing dresser drawers and the closet door. Frannie gazes up at her with large dark eyes and gives a huge yawn, Olivia chuckling and yawning widely herself, leaning her head back against the cushions and letting her eyelids droop closed in exhaustion. She is looking forward to curling up with Amanda in the blonde's soft warm bed, holding the younger woman close while she sleeps and hopefully protecting her from any horrific images that haunt her in her nightmares.

A muffled shriek suddenly pierces the still air and Olivia jumps to her feet, unseating Frannie's head from her lap and her heart giving a startled leap inside of her chest. "Amanda!" she yells in panic, racing toward the bedroom with Frannie quick on her heels and stopping short in her tracks when she catches a blurry glimpse of the other woman's naked form through the crack in the partly open door.

Their eyes meet in that instant, locking together intently in that tiny space between the door and the wall, and Olivia's stomach clenches hard when she sees that brief look of unrecognition on Amanda's face, realizing that the detective is most likely caught up in a flashback but hesitant to step inside the room due to the younger woman's state of undress. That disconcertingly vacant expression on Amanda's face disappears immediately and is replaced by a surprised and indignant scowl, Olivia rearing back in shock as the door is slammed shut right in her face.

"Don't look at me, Olivia! Go away!" Amanda shouts wildly, the anger and fear very blatant in her shuddering voice, and Olivia stands there stock still for long moment, her heart hammering madly and her palms slick with sweat, body shaking with the abrupt switch from calm and quiet to confusing and chaotic.

"Amanda, it's okay," she says soothingly, finding her voice again after being momentarily lost for words. "I didn't mean to scare you. I was just coming to see if you were okay. Did you have a flashback?"

She is greeted with a resounding silence and for several seconds the only sound in the apartment is Frannie's frantic pacing back and forth in the hallway and Olivia's labored breathing as she struggles to catch her breath in the wake of being yanked from her sleepy stupor on the couch and into a somewhat frightening situation. "Amanda?" she says again, raising her voice to be heard through the closed door and lifting a hand to rest against the grain of wood. "Can you answer me, please? Did you have a flashback? Are you okay?"

"What did you see?" comes the timid and uncertain response.

"Pardon?" Olivia frowns deeply and cocks her head to the side, not understanding the question. "What are you talking about?"

"What did you _see_?" Amanda repeats intensely, the detective's voice sounding much more urgent now. "You came back here without my permission, Olivia, and you saw me without clothes on. So how much of me did you see?"

"Amanda, I barely saw anything, I promise," Olivia assures her honestly, pressing her ear against the door now so that she can properly hear the smaller woman through this annoying barrier between them, somewhat taken aback by Amanda's reaction because they are very used to being each other's personal space by now. "I didn't mean to barge in on you and invade your privacy. I just wanted to make sure you were alright after you screamed." She swallows hard, her heart rate refusing to return to a normal rhythm under the weight of Amanda's obvious distress. "Can you please put some clothes on and come out of there so we can talk face to face?"

"So you really didn't see anything?" the detective asks, her voice softer this time, and Olivia is relieved when the door opens the slightest crack and Amanda's face appears before her, the detective's expression pinched and her eyes damp.

"I really didn't," Olivia replies gently, and it takes everything she has in her to stop herself from reaching out to stroke a finger over Amanda's cheekbone, the myriad of intense emotions playing across the smaller woman's face doing their best to rip her heart right out. "I didn't have time to see much before the door was slammed in my face."

"Sorry," Amanda whispers in a contrite tone as she gazes at Olivia with huge blue eyes that are shimmering with unshed tears. "I just don't like when people see me without clothes on. I don't want anyone to see me naked."

Olivia neglects to mention that she is hardly just _anyone_ and that the close and intimate relationship they have shared over the past couple of years seems to be heading in a direction that goes well beyond work colleagues or best friends and it shouldn't matter if they see each other without clothing on. She realizes that in all the time they have spent together, sharing each other's beds and wearing one another's pajamas when they unexpectedly stay overnight, she has never actually seen Amanda in her natural state even though she herself doesn't mind changing in front of the other woman.

Olivia bears deep physical scars from the first attack by Lewis and she has always been very self conscious about letting other people see them, but when it comes to Amanda, she has never even given a second thought about shrugging out of her shirt and pants and showing some skin while putting on her pajamas, just naturally feeling comfortable in her co-worker's presence and knowing that Amanda won't judge or think any less of her. There is a brief flash of hurt that this feeling of safety and security doesn't seem to go both ways and that Amanda is shy and unsure and wanting to hide herself from Olivia's eyes, before she chastises herself for thinking like this and the hurt gives way to the care and concern that is growing stronger and stronger the more she takes in the vulnerability evident in the small detective's cerulean blue eyes that are staring intently back at her through the small crack in the door.

"Did you have a flashback?" she asks quietly, watching Amanda nod warily and rub a closed fist over her eyes, smearing some unshed tears into her long lashes and across her cheeks. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

Olivia's heart sinks in disappointment and worry as Amanda shakes her head to indicate that she would rather not. "Okay, we don't have to talk about it," she murmurs soothingly, guessing that the younger woman's removal of her clothes had induced a flashback of Patton and wondering how often such an everyday, mundane event causes such a drastic and terrifying response. "Can you open the door all the way now? Are you dressed?"

The door slowly swings open to reveal Amanda standing there on shaking legs with knees knocking together nervously, dressed in a long T-shirt that looks to have been haphazardly thrown on after Olivia had accidentally seen her sans clothing, the smaller woman's arm banded tightly across her breasts and one hand straying down between her legs to briefly cup her own core before hastily pulling away when she seems to notice Olivia watching her attentively.

"What's wrong?" she asks in concern, her rapt gaze taking in Amanda's odd movements to protect herself and stepping tentatively toward the other woman but being careful not to get too close. "Are you hurt?"

"No, I'm not hurt," Amanda says softly, letting her arms dangle down by her sides now and a quick flash of guilt flitting across her features that Olivia doesn't understand. "I mean, not really."

"What do you mean, 'not really'?" she inquires gently, very uneasy about the way her colleague is acting.

"I just feel pain sometimes when I have the flashbacks, like what happened with Patton is actually happening again, even though it's not real," Amanda explains quietly, and Olivia regards her in perplexity for a moment, overcome with the strange sensation that the younger woman is both telling the truth and outright lying with that statement, unsure of exactly how to proceed in her confusion and wondering why it seems like Amanda is not being entirely honest with her.

"I'm sorry you're going through this," she finally says sympathetically, wanting nothing more than to wrap the detective up in her warm and safe embrace, Amanda looking tiny and shamed and afraid in her too-large T-shirt, but fearful of setting off another flashback by invading her personal space. "Would you feel better if I went home for the night?"

Olivia watches Amanda very carefully, alert for any further signs of distress, relieved and surprised when the younger woman shakes her head and steps directly in front of her, body language now indicating the need for physical comfort. She takes Amanda tenderly into her arms, rubbing her hands in slow circles across the detective's back and resting her cheek against a bent blonde head, desperately wanting to know exactly what is going on with the woman she is developing some very deep feelings for, but choosing to keep quiet for now.

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 _*Quote at the top of the page by E.P._


	2. Chapter 2

**_MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS_ : I just wanted to remind readers that this story deals with the aftermath of rape and self harm, so please take care if these things trigger you in any way or if you find these subject matters too difficult to read about. **

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When Amanda awakens early the next morning, blue eyes fluttering open to sleepily take in her surroundings, there is a weak grey light filtering in through the window as she had neglected to close the blinds before bed the previous night, her mind occupied with much more pressing matters. Her alarm is due to go off quite soon, another work day about to begin, and she knows that she needs to get up and into the shower but for now she just takes in the quiet, tranquil scene before her.

Her head is resting on the same pillow as Olivia, both of them turned onto their sides and their faces only inches apart, warm breath mingling together, and the soft light of dawn is gently illuminating the older woman's beautiful features which are totally relaxed in sleep; an unguarded, peaceful look to her expression that Amanda is sometimes privileged to see when they are alone, just the two of them, but something that Olivia usually keeps hidden around everyone else, her sergeant generally stern and closed up at the precinct.

She raises a hand to gently feather the other woman's hair back from her face, Olivia's dark locks rumpled and matted from sleep, and lets her palm smooth over her boss' head and down her back, fingertips tracing light circles across the large borrowed shirt she is wearing. Amanda is swamped with guilt as she watches Olivia's shoulder rise and fall slightly with each slumbering breath, overcome with shameful and embarrassing memories from the evening prior, and all she can see in her mind is her best friend's shocked and hurt expression as Amanda had slammed the bedroom door right in her face with enough force to rattle the walls.

The flashback of Patton had come out of nowhere while she had been getting changed for the night; as swift and unexpected as they always are, ripping her right from the present situation and hurtling her into a traumatic past that she would give anything to forget. The painful memories of what had happened with her deputy chief back in Atlanta had only been made worse by the realization that Olivia was there to witness her excruciating torment and that Amanda had to protect herself from the other woman's prying eyes before Olivia got a chance to really see her; to observe a part of her that she has always kept hidden from everyone else, even the woman who has come to mean so much to her over the past couple of years.

Amanda has always admired Olivia, even from afar; the articles in the newspaper and the videos online of the other woman's impressive work sometimes the only thing that would provide adequate distraction during her miserable time in Atlanta, the compassion and kindness that Olivia had for rape victims seeming to radiate right through the page or the screen, and Amanda had felt an intense kinship with her long before she had ever laid eyes on the beautiful brunette in person. Her admiration had only grown upon finally meeting Olivia face to face during that first hectic day in the New York Special Victims Unit, but their relationship hadn't blossomed beyond that of work colleagues until William Lewis had come into their lives and wreaked his horrific brand of havoc, leaving Olivia a mere shell of her former self for quite some time afterwards, Amanda desperate to do anything and everything she could to help the woman who had dedicated her life to helping others.

Amanda's feelings had deepened exceptionally during those long, hard weeks when Olivia had struggled to recover; watching the brunette doggedly push through her suffering, so determined to survive and live a good life despite the physical, emotional, and mental torture that had been inflicted upon her, and she had been in awe of the older woman's bravery and resilience. A relationship the likes of which she had never experienced before had been born from their time together, and even though she is quite often perplexed by the way they seem to swing back and forth with each other, from fighting like cats and dogs to wiping one another's tears away and snuggling on the couch or in bed, she wouldn't change it for the world.

Amanda leans forward slightly to press a tender kiss to Olivia's forehead, deciding to let her boss sleep a little longer while she showers, as the older woman can definitely use the extra rest. She slips as quietly from the bed as she can so as not to disturb Olivia's slumber, stepping over Frannie who is sprawled out across the floor, and deciding that she will get coffee and breakfast started right after she is done getting ready so the brunette will have something delicious to wake up to. It is the least that Amanda can do after what she had put Olivia through the night before, treating the woman she considers her best friend like she was a stranger who didn't belong in her home, hiding herself away before the brunette could see the kind of person Amanda truly is.

The sun is just beginning to peek through the clouds as she sheds her nightwear and leaves the garments in a pool on the floor before stepping into the bathtub to start the shower, and Amanda wonders if they are finally going to be treated to a beautiful winter day; a rarity in New York as February is proving to be just as gloomy and cold as ever. She has her hand hovering over the tap, eager to feel the warm water cascading over her skin and hair and washing away the remnants of the fearful sweat she had broken into during her flashback the previous evening, when her thoughts are suddenly interrupted by a rough male voice.

"Hey there, darlin', don't start without me," croons that slick Southern baritone that never fails to send shivers of terror and disgust down Amanda's spine. "You know it's only polite to wait for me before you take a shower. Remember to do as you're told, Mandy."

Amanda's hand slips away from the tap before she can turn the water on and she raises both hands up to her face to scrub her palms furiously over her eyes, unwilling to let Charles Patton into her head yet again; her former boss doing his best to invade her thoughts at every possible moment, even with the physical distance between them. There never seems to be any kind of mental or emotional distance, though; Amanda rarely getting a break from this man who had put her through hell several years ago and had brought all of those horrific memories rushing right back to the surface with his visit to New York the month previous.

"Fuck off," she whispers vehemently under her breath, determined not to let this monster have any more power over her than he already does, but her resolute words are met with a mocking chuckle.

"Well, is that any way for a lady to talk?" Patton chastises in that condescending tone he would always use with her, talking down to Amanda like she was so far beneath him and wasn't worth a moment of his time unless he decided she was useful to him. "Good girls don't cuss, Miss Rollins."

"It's _D_ _etective_ Rollins," Amanda sneers, the heels of her hands grinding more firmly into her eyes so she doesn't have to see the man whom she suspects is currently climbing over the side of the bathtub to stand there with her in the tiny, confined space that seems to be rapidly running out of air.

Her heart is now slamming into her ribs with enough force to take her breath away, the hair on the back of her neck standing straight up and goosebumps popping out along her arms, a cold sweat slicking her skin. She can feel him hovering right there in front of her, his harsh breath blowing her hair back from her face and his large body so close to her own smaller one that they are only inches away from being pressed intimately together. The complete and utter terror that Amanda is feeling is so real and acute that she is about to open her mouth to call for Olivia, her fear of this imagined situation overriding her shame of the older woman seeing her naked, but as soon as she opens her mouth to yell for help, another taunting snicker echoes throughout the bathroom.

"Sorry for the oversight, _D_ _etective_ ," Patton corrects in his usual disdainful tone that Amanda absolutely loathes. "Now why don't you turn around and let me scrub your back? Get that shower running and hand me the soap, little lady."

The first whimper escapes her lips at this sickening suggestion, Amanda keeping her eyes squeezed firmly shut as she lets her palms drift away from her face, one hand brushing past both the tap and the soap and coming to rest on another object; something hard and plastic with a very sharp edge. Her fingers close gratefully around the item and she raises it to her skin to obliterate the agony and shame that is crashing down very hard upon her, Patton's voice instructing her over and over again to give him the soap, and Amanda's whimper turns into a drawn-out wail as his voice rings insistently in her ears, the mingled sounds seeming to bounce loudly off of the tile walls.

Before her delicate and tender skin can be pierced and she feels that familiar stinging sensation, there is a sudden loud knock at the door and Olivia's voice is calling her name, both noises sounding somewhat frantic to Amanda as her eyes fly open in alarm and she slips the razor back onto the little shelf where it belongs. She is alone in the bathtub now, Patton nowhere to be seen, standing there on shaking legs that are barely supporting her, naked and shivering and a series of low moans emitting unbidden from between parted lips.

"Amanda!" Olivia calls again, the older woman's tone rising in intensity, and Amanda finds herself sliding down the inside of the tub to curl up into a protective ball on the cold porcelain surface, stricken at the thought of her boss coming in here to discover her like this; to find Amanda laid bare before her eyes and to see everything that she has tried so desperately to keep hidden, even though she had wished so urgently for Olivia's comforting presence just a moment before.

"Amanda, are you okay?" Olivia's voice is loud and anxious and sounding very unlike herself, although there is a recognizable soothing lilt lying just beneath the surface that she frantically craves despite her intense shame; that warmth and safety that only her best friend can provide. "Answer me right now, Amanda!"

She can hear Olivia's hand shaking the outside knob of the door, the wood rattling slightly within the frame, and she knows that the older woman is still trying to give her a sense of privacy and dignity in spite of her overwhelming worry, but she is also aware that her time alone in the bathroom is winding down to a close if she doesn't get out of the tub right this instant and assure the older woman that she is indeed okay. But despite Amanda's best efforts to do so, she cannot seem to hoist herself up from the hard surface of the bottom, exhaustion and fear causing her to remain molded right into the freezing cold porcelain and her limbs curling more tightly inward, trying to make herself as small as possible.

She curses herself for not locking the door when the knob rattles once again and Olivia gently announces that she is coming in to make sure everything is okay, warning Amanda of her impending arrival in the room. When the door opens and she hears the other woman step inside, assuring her softly that she is just checking to make sure she is alright, Amanda lets out another frightened and shameful whimper, pressing her face hard into the side of the tub and willing herself to disappear from this agonizingly embarrassing situation.

"Don't look at me, don't look at me," she finds herself repeating over and over again in shaking, heartfelt pleas, and she is aware of Olivia stopping short in her tracks although Amanda refuses to look up and meet the brunette's likely concerned gaze.

"I'm not looking at you," Olivia says quietly, and Amanda can hear a slight break in her boss' voice when she speaks, the sound causing a sharp pain inside of her own chest. "I'm right by the door, okay? I can only see your head and your knees; I can't see the rest of you, I promise."

Amanda nods wordlessly and her eyes are suddenly filling with tears, the small drops of liquid streaking quickly down her cheeks and rolling off her chin to drip onto her chest. An anguished sob escapes her mouth before she can stop it and she hears Olivia's breath catch in her throat in response and another tentative step being taken in her direction. She screws her eyes more tightly shut and lowers her head so that it is resting against her bent knees, willing the older woman not to come any closer.

"What happened, sweetheart?" Olivia's voice sounds broken and Amanda's tears spill over at a more rapid pace in response, cursing herself yet again, but this time for letting the older woman stay overnight and causing her such deep emotional pain. "Did you have another flashback?"

She nods again, too overcome with her own emotional torment to answer verbally for a long moment, Olivia about to speak again when Amanda finally finds her voice. "I don't want him to come back, Liv. Don't let him in here again," she sobs in despair, unable to shut out the images of Patton that are still assaulting her brain with an alarming intensity.

"Honey, there's no one in here except you and me," Olivia replies soothingly, and Amanda can hear the undercurrent of tears in her voice, as if the older woman is about to start crying as well. "Was it another flashback of Patton?"

"Yes," Amanda weeps, dragging an arm across her face to try and rid herself of some of the unwanted tears before tucking it back up close to her body, making sure that all of her limbs are still folded into herself as tightly as possible. "He wanted to take a shower with me."

"I'm so sorry, Amanda," Olivia says in a hushed tone after several seconds of silence, and she can hear the other woman pacing back and forth by the door now, like she is desperately trying to refrain from joining Amanda in the tub and providing some physical comfort. "Are you able to come out of there? Can you stand up? I can get you a towel."

"No, no, don't look at me!" Amanda reiterates wildly, that harsh panic spiking once again as she scrambles to cover any exposed part of her body that she can with hands that will not stop quivering.

"Amanda, I'm not looking at you," Olivia replies calmly, although her voice is a little more stern when she speaks again. "I'm just going to hand you a towel, if you'll let me, okay? And then you can come out of there and get dressed."

"But I haven't showered yet," she protests weakly, feeling in desperate need of one now that Patton seems to be firmly entrenched in her mind, the memories of what had occurred in that motel room playing over and over on a neverending loop inside her brain.

"Well, maybe you can skip the shower for today," Olivia says gently, and Amanda can hear a towel being pulled off the nearby rack. "I don't think it's a good idea right now."

"But I need one," Amanda insists tearfully, anxious to get up off the floor of the tub and turn the water on to scrub at her skin as hard as she can, despite her fear of Patton's return.

"How about you come out of there right now and then you can try to shower again in a few minutes when you've calmed down a little bit?" the older woman suggests softly, and Amanda finds herself nodding in agreement, taking a chance and turning her head slightly to the side to peer up from her bent knees at Olivia's tall and blurry form.

Her boss is still standing close to the door with a large blue and white striped towel clutched in both hands, gazing at Amanda with worried dark eyes that shimmer slightly in the harsh bathroom lighting, a variety of unspoken emotions dancing across her pinched features. She is wearing an old football jersey and yoga pants that she had borrowed from Amanda the night before and her chestnut tresses are laying mussed and tangled around shoulders that give the briefest of shudders as if Olivia is trying to reign in those untold emotions before they spill over and spiral out of control.

The other woman is radiating a curious mixture of strength and vulnerability and Amanda has the sudden urge to climb out of the tub and throw herself into Olivia's arms, both to seek comfort and to provide it. But her intense fear of exposing her nude body to the other woman holds her firmly in place at the bottom of the tub, and she hesitantly reaches out a trembling arm to wordlessly ask for the towel.

"Is it okay if I come a bit closer?" Olivia whispers somewhat uncertainly and Amanda nods again, their eyes locked intently on one another as the older woman takes a cautious step toward the tub and holds the towel out so Amanda can grab ahold of it without having to move from her position.

She quickly wraps herself in the nubby material, making sure to hide as much of her body as possible before slowly stretching her legs out inside the bathtub and grasping onto the side with an uneasy hand in preparation for hoisting herself up, the tears still creating wet pathways over her flushed cheeks.

"I can leave if you want me to," Olivia offers quietly as she seems to be observing Amanda's apprehension, and she sees that hint of a shimmer in the brunette's wide dark orbs again, her heart aching inside her chest at what she has been putting the other woman through.

"No, you can stay," Amanda replies softly, her eyes darting away from her boss to focus on her lap, shoulders hunching up in shame as she speaks her next words. "But can you please turn around while I stand up?"

"Sure," Olivia whispers compassionately, and Amanda can hear that very slight hitch in her breathing once again.

She waits until Olivia is facing the door, the brunette's back to her, before getting shakily to her feet and securing the towel under her arms, holding onto the tiled wall as she steps one trembling foot over the side. Amanda plants her right foot as firmly as she can on the floor and is just lifting her left leg over the slippery siding when her toe catches on the tap and sends her plummeting toward the ground.

She gasps in alarm and is holding her hands out to break her fall when Olivia is suddenly whirling around and springing forward to wrap Amanda up in her strong embrace before she can hit the floor, their legs tangling together and the two of them ending up sprawled onto the closed lid of the toilet with Amanda draped across the taller woman's lap and Olivia's arms wound tightly around her back.

"It's okay, sweetheart, I've got you," her boss murmurs into her ear, and Amanda can't help but bury her face into Olivia's neck, yearning for comfort despite the utter mortification she is currently feeling, the differing emotions seemingly at war with one another inside of her as if she can't decide exactly what it is that she wants. "Are you alright? Did you hurt yourself?"

Amanda's mind immediately flashes back to picking up the razor inside of the tub but she knows that is not what the other woman is referring to; that Olivia can't possibly know of what she does in private and the reason for doing what she does, so she shakes her head to indicate that she is not injured from her near fall, and feels the brunette's arms tighten around her in response.

"Okay, good," Olivia says softly, and Amanda feels a tender palm stroking soothingly through her long blonde hair, the older woman's hand pausing for a moment to massage the back of her neck. "We'll just sit here for a minute until you feel like you can get up, alright? You're shaking quite a bit, honey."

Amanda realizes that Olivia is right; that her entire body is shuddering very violently in her boss' embrace, and she nods wordlessly while keeping her head buried firmly against Olivia's shoulder, partly because she is still horrified by what has just occurred in the bathtub and also because she doesn't trust that the towel will keep her covered and is terrified to see Olivia's reaction when the other woman gets a glimpse of Amanda's body; can't bare that look of disgust or the inevitable rejection that will most likely follow.

She has caught the occasional peek of the scars that mar Olivia's body from the torture that Lewis had put her through, and she can't help comparing them to the scars that riddle her own body, their reasons for being there very different. Amanda had been heartbroken the first time she had seen Olivia's wounds shortly after the older woman's four days in captivity, when she had been helping Olivia into a fresh shirt after a shower, her boss' arm in a sling, and she remembers the way her breath had caught in her throat in shock, and the mixture of rage and shame that had coursed through her, the feelings directed at both Lewis and herself; that this monster would dare subject Olivia to this horrific kind of torment and that Amanda would dare inflict a similar kind of torment upon herself when Olivia hadn't had a choice in the matter.

For this reason, she can't bring herself to share her own scars with Olivia; can't admit to this dark habit that had started so long ago, born from a shame that never really loosens the tight hold it has on her, rearing its ugly head from time to time when things get rough and begin spiraling out of control, and she resolutely pushes these painful thoughts from her mind, wanting to stop thinking about what she does in private, this ritual that is no one's business but her own.

"Liv, we're going to be late for work," Amanda says softly after they have been silent for several minutes and she is still cradled so tenderly in Olivia's lap, grateful that the other woman has been making sure to adjust the towel when needed to cover as much of Amanda's body as possible, the more private areas remaining hidden from view. "I know you don't like it when I'm late."

"Amanda, I'm not concerned about work right now," Olivia replies quietly, and she feels the brunette's hand slide beneath her chin to tilt her head up so they are looking one another in the eye. "What I am concerned about is the flashback you had while getting changed last night, followed by the one you just had in the shower. Have they been happening this frequently since Patton was in town?"

Amanda nods miserably, willing to admit to the flashbacks but unwilling to let loose with any more of her secrets, what she does when these flashbacks happen and why they are happening in this particular fashion; that her former deputy chief had humiliated and hurt her in a variety of different ways, including making Amanda remove her clothing in front of him and forcing her to take a shower with him after he had raped her, claiming they both needed to cleanse themselves after the deed had been done but raping her again in the dingy tub of the motel bathroom, Amanda's cries muffled against his huge hand and her fingers splayed out across the tile wall as he had pushed into her roughly from behind.

For all of the care and concern she had showed Olivia after her ordeals with Lewis, never backing down and always there when the other woman had needed her, admittedly pushing a bit too hard at times because her heart ached at the thought of Olivia having to endure the aftermath of her torment alone like Amanda herself had and because her feelings for the brunette had begun to explode into something she wasn't yet ready to name, she is terrified of showing Olivia her true self.

Amanda cherishes her relationship with the older woman above all else in her life and loves almost every aspect of it; the passionate arguments, the movies they watch and the meals they share, cuddling together on the couch and sleeping wrapped up in each other's arms in their beds, laughing and crying together as they share in life's joys and sorrows. Those times where they just can't seem to get along at all, where the passion of their fighting gives way to genuine anger and they spend weeks avoiding one another outside of work, have been some of the worst of Amanda's life, confused and heartbroken at how things seem to go so wrong between them, only to find their way back to each other when they have both cooled down.

"Okay, honey, we need to do something about this," Olivia is saying softly but firmly, breaking Amanda out of her reverie, and that undercurrent of steel is visible in her tone; a warning for Amanda not to argue, like the older woman can immediately sense her disagreement on the topic and is anticipating her negative reaction. "You can't go on like this. These flashbacks are happening with the most mundane of daily activities. This is a major problem, Amanda, and I think you need to acknowledge that."

She squirms uncomfortably on Olivia's lap in response, twisting in the brunette's embrace to pull herself free from arms that are suddenly confining instead of comforting, momentarily forgetting that she is clad only in a towel and squeaking in surprise when the material rides up higher on her thighs, terror-stricken at the thought of her boss seeing something that she shouldn't.

"It's okay, you're covered. I promise I didn't see anything," Olivia assures her quickly as she smooths the towel back into place, and Amanda is certain that she can detect a faint note of hurt in the other woman's voice but when she opens her mouth to question her about it, Olivia's hand unexpectedly grazes the outside of her thigh in the process of adjusting the towel and Amanda's breath catches sharply in her throat.

"I'm sorry, Amanda," her boss whispers sincerely, immediately removing her hand and placing it on Amanda's back to rub slow circles across her shoulder blades. "I didn't meant to do that. It was an accident."

"It's okay, Liv," she replies softly, her heart racing at the surprising touch and privately admitting that it was not an unpleasant sensation; that Olivia's tender touch is so much different than the one she had expected to feel from Patton in the bathtub, and she is confused at the simultaneous need to tell Olivia to put her hand back where it was and to pull away and flee the room before she can embarrass herself any further.

They stare intensely at each other for a long moment and Amanda raises her hand to Olivia's face to brush lightly along her cheekbone, delicately tracing across warm skin with the tip of one of her fingers. The older woman smiles softly at her and lifts her arm to lace her fingers gently through Amanda's before giving them a slight squeeze and bringing their joined hands down to rest in Amanda's lap.

"You know that I'm always here for you, right?" Olivia asks in a hushed tone, her voice sounding slightly choked up and Amanda nods slowly, that familiar guilt spreading through her at causing the other woman pain. "And you know that you can talk to me about anything at all, no matter what it is, don't you?" Olivia's voice is more fervent when she speaks again and Amanda feels the grip around her hand tighten somewhat. "Please let me be here for you, sweetheart. I can't stand to see you suffering you like this. Please just talk to me, Amanda. Let me in."

Amanda leans forward to press a soft kiss to Olivia's forehead, watching as the older woman's eyelids flutter closed in response, and her heart clenches painfully inside her chest when she utters her next words in a whispered tone.

"I can't."


	3. Chapter 3

Olivia is sitting at her desk while going over the latest case files, nibbling without much interest on a salad and listening to the antics of her team out in the squad room. She glances up from the large pile of work, her tired and somewhat exasperated gaze trained out the window to see Amanda holding court with the guys, regaling them with an apparently hilarious story that has everyone in stitches of laughter.

Lunch break at the precinct has seemingly turned into a comedy hour and Olivia bites down roughly on a carrot, both irritated and concerned at Amanda's extremely swift turnaround from the flashback and crying session she had experienced in the bathroom that morning while attempting to take a shower. The younger woman had recovered from her traumatic start to the day astonishing quickly and has been relentlessly cheerful ever since, as if overcompensating for her behavior earlier in the day; possibly afraid that Olivia will force her to do something about the flashbacks, like making another appointment to see Dr. Lindstrom or taking a leave of absence from work.

Olivia has not decided on a specific course of action to take just yet and is waiting a little longer to see how things will play out, remembering when she had told Amanda the night before that she wouldn't force the other woman to do something she wasn't comfortable with. Despite what she had said, Olivia is mulling over different options in her mind as she picks slowly at her salad and keeps a sharp eye on the blonde detective, Amanda having received a very warm welcome back from the rest of their squad when they had arrived slightly late to the precinct that morning after coming in separate vehicles.

The guys had been extremely happy to have their colleague back after her trip to Costa Rica and Olivia has noticed how concerned and protective Fin has been around his partner since she has returned, the older man expressing more than once during Amanda's absence how worried he was about her. She suppresses the urge to roll her eyes as she observes both Amaro and her newest detective, Carisi, hanging off of every single word that Amanda is saying and feeling a hint of annoyance that both men seem to be quite enamored with their blonde co-worker.

The bubbly and eager side of her personality that Amanda is currently exhibiting reminds Olivia a lot of the way the other woman had acted when she was a new member of the squad a few years ago, fresh from Atlanta and full of enthusiasm for the job, not yet giving any hints of the horror she had endured at her old precinct. A deep frown of consternation pulls Olivia's eyebrows together as she continues to watch Amanda speak, the small detective's hands thrown into the air in a dramatic flourish to punctuate whatever enthralling and hysterical story she is telling, quite sure that this is all just an act designed to distract from what has really been happening lately, the flashbacks and nightmares slowly beginning to overtake Amanda's life.

Olivia also has the distinct impression that her best friend has been hiding something important from her, as she thinks back to holding the violently trembling form of the younger woman in her arms that morning, Amanda's face awash in tears and begging Olivia not to look at her, afraid of being seen without clothes on. Her heart aches when she recalls their conversation, Amanda looking so lost and terrified and telling Olivia that she wasn't able to share with her whatever it is that's been going on, and she is quite sure that her detective's issues go even deeper than she had originally assumed they did.

Olivia is distractedly tapping her fork against her front teeth as she watches the members of her squad enjoying their rather boisterous lunch hour, lost in thought and consumed with worry as she ponders what to do about Amanda's current situation, absently taking note that Barba has just entered the room and is joining in with the enthusiastic conversation. Her frown deepens and she straightens up slightly in her chair as the lawyer's body grazes Amanda's while he brushes past her to take his place in the group, the younger woman the only female in the room and surrounded by four of her male co-workers.

She can immediately spot the minute stiffening of Amanda's limbs and the small amount of color that drains from her face at the accidental physical contact that no one else seems to be paying any attention to, with the exception of Fin, a split second of terror flashing through the smaller woman's big blue eyes before that confident masks slide firmly back into place. Amanda is now holding herself quite rigidly with her jaw clenched tightly shut, although her expression is one of bland disinterest, the story she was so engaged in telling apparently over now as Amaro picks up with a story of his own.

Olivia watches as Fin leans over to whisper something in his partner's ear, Amanda shrugging away from him and flapping an unconcerned hand in the air before excusing herself and beginning to head from the room with her chin lowered and long hair obscuring her expression. She hurries to the door of the office with the intention of intercepting the other woman's escape, Amanda glancing up and locking eyes with her as if she can sense that Olivia's gaze is now trained right on her.

She motions with a hand for the blonde woman to join her in the office but Amanda gives her the same brush-off that she has just given Fin and continues with on with her attempt to leave the squad room. Olivia heaves a frustrated sigh and yanks the door open, calling Amanda's name more sharply than she had intended and drawing the attention of the rest of their team, the younger woman shooting daggers at her with that narrowed blue gaze, her teeth gritting tightly together with obvious embarrassment.

"What, Olivia?" Amanda huffs when they are alone in the office with the door shut firmly behind them, Olivia sensing that the gazes of all four men in the squad room are leveled right in their direction but refusing to glance away from the woman she is staring at.

" _What?"_ Amanda repeats in annoyance, her hands now resting impatiently on slim hips that are clad in dark pinstriped dress pants, one thick black boot tapping out an impatient rhythm onto the floor tiles.

"Are you okay?" Olivia asks in concern.

"Huh?" Amanda replies in bewilderment, arching a questioning eyebrow. "Of course I'm okay. What are you talking about?"

"I saw your reaction out there," Olivia says softly, taking a step toward the other woman and holding out a hand to brush against Amanda's arm, but the small detective sidesteps swiftly out of her reach before any contact can be made.

"What reaction?" Both of Amanda's eyebrows are raised now as she stares back at Olivia with a somewhat challenging expression on her face.

"Barba scared you," Olivia answers as gently as she possibly can.

" _Barba_ scared me?" Amanda responds in a withering tone. "What are you talking about?"

"He surprised you," Olivia corrects hastily, holding both hands up in the air in a gesture of peace because she can plainly see that the good mood the younger woman has been faking with all of the guys is about to take an abrupt turn for the bad and come exploding out onto her. "You flinched when he brushed by you after coming into the room. You looked pretty uneasy out there, honey."

"Oh, Olivia, I'm _fine_ ," Amanda assures her with a roll of her eyes and a tone of voice that promises not to stay calm if Olivia continues on with this line of discussion. "I'm really happy to see everyone after my time away. It's great to be back and I'm not uneasy in the least. Stop reading so much into every little thing. I know you're concerned, but quite frankly, it's getting annoying."

"It's annoying, is it?" Olivia confirms with a hint of a growl because she is now starting to feel pretty irritated herself with the situation. "I'm very worried about you, Amanda, and I think I have a right to be after what happened both last night and again this morning. I need to make sure you're okay here; that you feel safe and ready to do your job to the best of your ability, because if you don't think that you can, I need you to be completely honest about it."

"Please don't start questioning my ability to do my job!" Amanda snaps back, and there is a fury of fire blazing out of those sharp blue eyes now; that fire directed right at Olivia. "If I'm going to be questioned like a criminal every single time a member of the opposite sex so much as brushes past me, I don't think this is going to be a very pleasant working environment for either one of us."

"Amanda, I'm not treating you like a criminal," Olivia sighs in frustration. "Please try to understand that I'm extremely concerned about what's been going on since you got back from your trip. Last night before bed and this morning in the shower-"

"Yes, Olivia, I was there, thank you very much," Amanda interrupts with a snarl, holding up a hand to put a halt to the conversation. "I don't need a reminder of what happened in my own apartment."

"Honey, I understand that you're feeling angry about things right now; that everything might seem a bit of out control-"

"Don't call me that at work," Amanda mutters, cutting Olivia off yet again.

"What?" she replies with a frown, tilting her head in confusion at the younger woman who is regarding her with an unreadable expression on her face now.

"Don't call me 'honey' at work," Amanda says softly, taking a step toward the office door as if getting ready to leave. "It's unprofessional, Liv. You've called me that twice now within the last couple of minutes."

A dark blush of embarrassment heats Olivia's cheeks and spreads rapidly down her neck before she can stop it, not even realizing that the term of endearment has slipped out more than once since they have been talking. "Sorry," she whispers sincerely, a sudden feeling of emptiness overtaking her at Amanda's distant appearance; both her body language and the look on her face indicating that she wants absolutely nothing to do with Olivia at the moment.

"You're right. It was unprofessional and it won't happen again," she acknowledges in a firm tone, watching as Amanda nods slightly in response, the detective's eyes darting away before resuming what she was saying.

"Speaking of keeping things professional..." Amanda trails off and clears her throat roughly, rubbing a weary hand over her eyes.

Olivia raises her eyebrows at the disconcerting turn that this discussion has taken, a distinct uneasiness taking up residence in the pit of her stomach as she waits with bated breath for the younger woman to continue.

"Maybe we should be spending less time together outside of work," Amanda mumbles, keeping her gaze fixed firmly on the floor. "We do so much together; meals, movies, sleepovers. It's not really appropriate when you think about it, is it, Liv? I mean, you are my boss, aren't you? And you slept in my bed last night."

Olivia doesn't think the profuse blush on her face can get any darker now, her entire body feeling like it has reached a boiling point with the volatile mix of strong emotions; mortification and hurt and the realization that Amanda is actually right, even though she doesn't think this sudden revelation that the younger woman seems to be having is coming from the place that Amanda claims it is. She knows without a doubt that this entire conversation is just an excuse; that the blonde detective is highly embarrassed about the behavior she has exhibited in front of Olivia both last night and again this morning, and that this is Amanda's way of putting some distance between them to alleviate those unwanted feelings and to back off a bit until she can regain some of her lost dignity.

Olivia is also painfully aware of the fact that Amanda has actually brought up a very good point; that she has spent more nights in her subordinate's bed over the past couple of years than she can remember, and that Amanda has spent an equal amount of time in hers, but that no matter how much they have toed the line with one another, they still have yet to cross that particular boundary into a superior/subordinate relationship that goes beyond one of very deep friendship. That being said, it has always hovered in the back of Olivia's mind that the time they spend together is perhaps quite inappropriate, especially the higher up the ranks that she ascends in the unit, but these flitting thoughts that cross her brain from time to time are never enough for her to suggest that they back off from each other and pursue close friendships with other people instead.

There is a certain knowledge that simmers far beneath everything else, that hides deep down inside and is tucked safely away, never to be shared with anyone else; the knowledge that despite her high ranking in the Special Victims Unit and that she will likely be promoted again at some point in the future, she doesn't give a shit if the time they spend together is inappropriate; that Amanda means more to her than anyone else ever has in her entire life, and the only way she would ever back off is if Amanda herself tells her to, not some higher-ranking boss who thinks he or she can control Olivia's personal life. She knows that this type of attitude is not one befitting of a sergeant who has her sights set as high as she can possibly go and is anticipating a very bright future in this job, so she resolutely keeps these thoughts to herself, never letting on that her personal life will always come first, especially when it concerns Amanda.

But right now it _is_ Amanda herself who is suggesting that they should start spending less time together, and even though Olivia suspects that the suggestion is only coming from a place of fear and embarrassment, she has to honor it and not just brush it aside as if it doesn't matter. "Well, you're certainly singing a different tune than you were yesterday," she says in a deceptively calm tone of voice. "Everything was fine between us at the coffee shop and now all of a sudden you're saying that we shouldn't be seeing each other as much outside of work? You suddenly have a problem with our relationship and you think it's inappropriate after all this time, even though you're the one who started things between us in the first place?"

Amanda's eyes narrow dangerously at the turn this discussion has taken, and Olivia stares back at her with a blank expression as she wills the dark blush to begin dissipating, a sharp spike of guilt stabbing into her at what she has just said. "You know I started things between us because I just wanted to help you after what happened with Lewis." The younger woman's voice is soft and hurt now, her lower lip trembling slightly and dragging down at the corner as if she is suddenly about to dissolve into tears.

Olivia swallows down a sudden lump in her throat, feeling horrified at her own behavior and cursing herself for saying what she has just said, knowing without a doubt that she wouldn't have made it out of that black pit of despair if it wasn't for Amanda pushing her way into Olivia's personal life and taking such good care of her in the aftermath of the worst event she has ever been made to endure, the other woman's physical presence and endless empathy the only things that had made those first few weeks even remotely bearable. Amanda has said time and time again how proud she had been of Olivia for lifting herself up and pulling herself out of a kind of darkness that she has never known before, but Olivia has privately acknowledged that it was the younger woman's presence in her life that had made her recovery possible; Amanda's strength and tenacity never wavering as she had encouraged Olivia to keep fighting, holding her when she crumbled and cheering her on when she rallied.

There are tears welling in her eyes as she regards her best friend with an apologetic expression, and she wills them to stay right where they are and not start trailing wet pathways down her cheeks to give truth to Amanda's accusation of being unprofessional. The last thing she wants to do is have an emotional breakdown in front of her entire squad, aware that the men are still carrying on with their hearty conversation in the next room but shooting them the occasional concerned look through the open blinds, likely wondering why things are so serious between the two women.

"I'm very sorry, Amanda," Olivia whispers earnestly, her heart tearing in her chest because the other woman looks genuinely hurt and taken aback by what she has just said. "I shouldn't have worded things the way I did, okay? I will be forever grateful to you for helping me out after what happened with Lewis. I honestly couldn't have gotten through it without you."

She pauses briefly to draw in a deep breath before continuing, that stubborn lump in her throat only seeming to become larger the more she tries to swallow it down. "And if you think we should spend less time together outside of work; if that's really what you want, then I have no choice but to honor that wish. I'll step back if you really want me to, but Amanda, I need to know that this isn't coming from a bad place; that you're not just saying this because you're scared or ashamed by what's been happening. All I want to do is be here for you through this like you were there for me. I can't stand the thought of you going through this alone."

They stare at each other in silence for a long moment, the extreme tension that is hanging in the air like a tangible object broken by a sudden loud burst of laughter from the group of guys in the squad room, followed immediately by the shrill ringing of Olivia's office phone. She blows out an exhausted breath and quickly snatches the receiver up, sternly barking out "Benson" into the mouthpiece.

"Well, this day just keeps getting better and better," she mutters a few minutes later as she replaces the receiver and glances at Amanda again, the younger woman looking small and vulnerable despite her dressy work attire and sleekly styled hair and makeup done to perfection. "I'm going to need you and Fin to head over to St. Agnes Boys High School to interview some staff and students there, while Amaro and Carisi go to Bellevue. A teenage boy has just been admitted to the emergency room after being sexually assaulted on the footfall field. There were plenty of witnesses who claim that it was done by a group of boys from a neighboring school."

"Looks like it's shaping up to be another great day at SVU," Amanda mutters sarcastically under her breath as she heads out of the office with a quick stride.

"We'll talk later, Amanda," Olivia says to the other woman's retreating back, but instead of hearing an actual answer, she is met with yet another door slamming shut in her face.

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Olivia is on the phone again when her team comes trooping back into the squad room later that afternoon, fluffy white snow dotting everyone's hair and dirty wet slush trailing behind them on the floor as they get settled in at their desks. She frowns uneasily when she notices that Amanda is not with them and that Fin is staring straight at her, tilting his head slightly when their gazes lock and motioning with a hand for her to meet him at the office door. She ends the conversation as quickly as she can before hurrying to the door and opening it to see the older man standing there with a concerned expression on his face and shifting restlessly from foot to foot.

"What is it, Fin?" she demands without preamble. "Where's Amanda?"

"She's in the ladies room," he replies in a low tone, gesturing toward the bathrooms down the hallway. "Our last interview of the day didn't go so well and ended up being pretty dramatic. This little punkass stoner we were talking to in the stairwell of the high school decided it would be a good idea to knee Rollins in the stomach before taking off and trying to escape. He was as high as a damn kite and promptly fell right down the stairs and broke one of his legs."

Fin rolls his eyes to the ceiling as if he doesn't have time for such idiocy on the job, and heaves a deep sigh before continuing. "He's being transported to the hospital and it looks like he's going to need surgery. That little fool was so high, we couldn't even get a coherent statement out of him before he was taken away, and that's not likely to change anytime soon. He's completely useless."

He pauses briefly, his worried gaze flicking toward the bathrooms. "I think Rollins is hurt, even though she won't admit it. You might want to go check on her, Liv. I tried to convince her that our little stoner was not the only one who needed to get checked out at the hospital, but she wasn't having it. Kept insisting over and over again that she was perfectly fine before shutting up and not uttering another word on the subject all the way back over here."

"Okay, Fin, I'll go see how she's doing," Olivia murmurs, giving his upper arm a squeeze and beginning to head in Amanda's direction, her stomach clenching at the thought of the other woman not only being physically hurt but also deeply concerned that the blonde detective has possibly been experiencing some flashbacks as well.

"Hey, Liv, look out for her, will ya?" Fin says in a whispered tone, and she whirls around to fix him with a curious expression. "I know you two are really close and something has just seemed off about her today. I know this whole pile of shit that went on with Patton last month has likely got her turned inside out, but she won't discuss it with me. I have half a mind to take a little trip down to Atlanta and confront that son of a bitch with my gun-"

"Fin, please don't finish that sentence," Olivia mutters in warning, her eyebrows raising high on her forehead. "I know what happened has affected the whole squad in a very negative way and I appreciate that you're concerned about your partner, but I don't want to hear that kind of talk in this precinct. You should know better than that." She neglects to add that she understands all too well how the older man is feeling; that if she had less self control and a looser set of morals, she would drop everything and travel to Atlanta to greet Charles Patton with the barrel of her gun pressed firmly against his temple, very eager to pull the trigger and see his brains splattered all over the ground.

"Sorry about that, Liv," Fin mutters in shame, and gives her a squeeze on the arm in return. "I just get carried away sometimes. She's my partner and I don't like to see her hurting."

"I know that, Fin," Olivia replies sympathetically, a sad smile gracing her lips. "I know you all love Amanda and want what's best for her and that it's been so hard to watch her suffer like this. But right now you and Amaro and Carisi need to keep your minds on this case while I go check on her, okay? I'll be right back."

She feels a certain amount of urgency as she heads to the ladies room with long, quick strides, dark hair billowing back from her face with the speed she is moving at, hoping Amanda just needed to use the facilities upon arrival back at the precinct and is not laying crumpled up on the floor inside one of the stalls. Olivia winces as she hears the unmistakable sound of retching when she swings the bathroom door open, and can see the slushy soles of Amanda's boots beneath one of the stall doors when she bends down slightly to look for the younger woman, a puddle of melting snow spreading out across the floor.

"Hey, Amanda, you doing okay in there?" she calls in concern, relieved that there is no one else in the room with them and they can have some privacy for a moment.

"Yeah, I'm fine," the smaller woman chokes out, and Olivia rolls her eyes at the obvious lie and blows out an exasperated breath, still feeling somewhat on edge from their conversation earlier that day.

"Well, that sounded convincing," she replies dryly, hands planted on her hips as she gazes down at Amanda's boots that are twitching minutely against the tiles. "Fin just told me what happened out in the field. Do you think you might need some medical attention?"

"I'm guessing Fin also mentioned that I've already declined medical attention?" Amanda throws back weakly, sounding a little worse for wear when she speaks again.

"He did," Olivia confirms with another sigh. "But this time I'm the one who is asking you. Do you need medical attention, Amanda? Please be honest with me."

"Do you really think my answer has changed between the high school and the precinct?" Amanda sounds weary and in pain when she answers, despite the acid in her tone, and all Olivia wants is for the other woman to come out of the stall so that she can lay eyes on her and see for herself that Amanda is indeed okay.

"I think it's something to consider if you're throwing up," Olivia advises gently. "It can't hurt for a doctor to take a quick look at your stomach, just to be on the safe side."

She thinks she hears a sharp intake of breath in response to her suggestion and frowns, taking a step closer to the stall to lay a hand on the cold metal of the door. "Are you alright, Amanda?"

"No one is taking a look at me, Olivia, are we clear on that?" The younger woman's voice is very stern when she answers, all traces of weariness and pain gone from her tone now. "I just want to go home and get some rest. I'll be fine."

Olivia is quiet for a long moment, remembering with acute clarity how Amanda had reacted to the possibility of being seen without clothes on the night before and again this morning, and she can't imagine how difficult it would be for her colleague to let a stranger see a part of her body if it she won't even let her best friend see her. "You know the doctor would only be looking at your stomach, right?" she says softly, smoothing her palm up and down the door and giving a little tap with her fingers. "You would have a gown on and the rest of your body would be covered. Or you could even just lift up your shirt a little bit to be examined, if you don't want to get undressed."

" _No_ , Olivia," Amanda snaps, the door suddenly swinging wide open, Olivia narrowly avoiding being smacked right in the face and starting to think this is becoming a pattern, the other woman standing there on slightly trembling legs, her face leached of all color as she levels a glare straight at her. "How many times do I have to say no? I'm not going to the damn hospital, okay? The kid who kneed me in the stomach is even smaller than I am! I think I'll survive. I just want to go home."

Amanda tries to push her way to the door of the bathroom but sways alarmingly on her feet, Olivia's arms shooting out to wrap around the blonde detective's waist from behind to steady the younger woman, her chin coming to rest briefly on Amanda's shoulder. The other woman is noticeably shaking in her embrace, and the worry and empathy that shoots through Olivia's chest is almost enough to take her breath away, along with another feeling that has been making itself known more and more often lately, and she resolutely pushes that feeling away so she can concentrate on the situation at hand.

"It's okay, h-" she cuts herself off before she can say 'honey', making sure to keep her arms circled loosely around Amanda's waist so doesn't cause her any further harm. "Just come to my office and sit down for a little while before you go home, alright?"

Amanda's head is bowed down and all Olivia can see is a crown of shiny blonde hair, and she watches as the smaller woman gives a slight nod of agreement. She keeps her chin on Amanda's shoulder for another few seconds, even though she knows that someone else could walk it at any moment, desperate to provide her friend with some comfort and to put an end to this awkwardness that has been plaguing them since Amanda's return home from her trip. She is immensely relieved when she feels Amanda's cold hands squeeze her own, lacing their fingers together briefly before pulling away so they can walk back to Olivia's office, a shiver running through her from head to toe at the short amount of physical contact that had been initiated by the detective.

She holds up a hand to silently wave away the rest of team's concerns when every single one of their squad mates gets to their feet as they renter the room, knowing they are very worried about their co-worker but needing to get Amanda settled onto the couch before the smaller woman passes out. She helps Amanda get situated across the cushions, the younger woman allowing Olivia to remove her wet winter boots and jacket for her before stretching out on the comfortable piece of furniture and emitting a soft sigh. Olivia closes the blinds on the windows, not caring how it looks to anyone else who might be observing them from inside the squad room and just needing to give Amanda the privacy that she deserves right now.

She squats down on the floor next to the couch when she notices that the other woman's eyelids have drifted closed, reaching out to run a tender hand through Amanda's windblown blonde locks. "How're you doing?" she asks quietly. "Does it still hurt?"

Amanda nods slowly without opening her eyes, brows puckered in obvious pain again, and Olivia chews on the inside of her cheek before asking a question that she already knows the answer to; worried that she is pushing too hard after Amanda has already made herself clear, especially after being accused of behaving unprofessionally but unable to stand seeing the small detective injured like this without at least trying to do something to help. "So I suppose there's no point in asking if I can take a look at your stomach, is there? It's just you and me in here, Amanda. You're safe with me, I promise."

Amanda's eyelids flutter open at the whispered inquiry, no pressure whatsoever in the softly uttered statement, and they gaze at each other in silence for a moment, Olivia feeling as if she could drown in those huge blue eyes that are boring so steadily into her own, a pain that has nothing to do with anything physical seeming to pass over Amanda's delicate features. She frowns in response, raising a hand to run her fingers soothingly through golden strands of hair again, an apology right on the tip of her tongue, when Amanda begins speaking.

"I know I'm safe with you, Olivia," she murmurs almost inaudibly, a small hand lifting to meet Olivia's own in the air before it can come to rest on Amanda's head, the detective lacing their fingers together and squeezing again like she had in the bathroom. "It's not that, okay? I promise that's not the issue. I feel safer with you than I do with anyone else. I trust you more than anyone on this planet." There is a brief pause. "I..."

"You what?" Olivia asks softly, resisting the urge to press a tender kiss to their joined hands, knowing the blinds are closed but not wanting to upset Amanda any more than she already is.

"Nothing," the younger woman mutters, pulling her hand abruptly away and turning over on the couch with a slight grunt of pain so that her back is to Olivia, leaving her staring at the rumpled material of Amanda's peach-colored silk blouse.

Olivia sighs softly, unsure of how to deal with the other woman's perplexing and concerning behavior and wishing she could do something to take her pain away, when she notices that Amanda's shirt had become untucked from her pants with the movement of rolling over and has risen up somewhat on her ribs, the slacks riding low on her slim hips. She reaches out with the intention of pulling the garment back down before remembering that Amanda might not react very well to this, and is just about to tell her colleague that she needs to adjust her blouse and pants when something on the pale skin of Amanda's hip catches her attention.

The soft flesh there is quite marked and scarred, crisscrossing white lines that look older visible beneath pink ones that appear quite fresh, the wounds overlapping with each other to create an angry, jagged pattern. Olivia stares at the injuries in confusion for a moment, a brief thought flitting through her brain that Amanda has actually been hurt worse in the field than they had originally suspected, before her eyes zero in once again on the lines that look older and she knows this didn't happen today. Her hand hovers in the air over the smaller woman's prone body for a moment, fingers stretching out to very gently lay themselves upon the wounds, a myriad of questions on the tip of her tongue and overcome with a distinct uneasiness, before her palm comes to rest on Amanda's shoulder instead, squeezing softly to get the other woman's attention.

"Amanda, what happened to your hip?" she asks curiously, rearing back in surprise when the small detective instantly whirls around on the cushions in response, blatant panic shimmering in those wide blue eyes as she frantically tugs her clothing back into place before a shuttered expression falls across her features.

"What do you mean?" Amanda replies casually, her tone very careful when she speaks.

"You have some scratches on your hipbone," Olivia explains softly, tilting her head in confusion at the other woman's erratic behavior, Amanda's moods seeming to swing wildly back and forth from one minute to the next and unsure of how to deal with everything that is going on right now.

"Oh, that's nothing," Amanda replies offhandedly, waving an unconcerned arm in the air, and Olivia notices that the younger woman is determinedly avoiding her gaze now. "Frannie scratched me this morning while you were still sleeping. It's fine, really."

"Well, she must have scratched you more than one time because it looks like some of those are older," Olivia points out gently, gesturing toward the small detective's hip and watching as Amanda scoots further away from her on the couch so that her back is pressed up against the cushion, arms and legs beginning to shudder slightly.

"Well, she's a dog with very sharp claws, Liv, and sometimes dogs scratch their owners," Amanda replies in that same bland tone, but Olivia can hear a distinct tremble beneath the smooth and unruffled voice, and that tiny alarm bell that had gone off in the back of her brain when she had first seen the scars is starting to blare in a much louder fashion now.

"So Frannie has scratched you multiple times over and over again in the exact same place on your body?" she questions skeptically, suspicion and concern thrumming through her at a steady pace when she sees the color drain from Amanda's face. "I'll admit that I don't know too much about dogs, but that seems a little strange to me."

Amanda stares at her in complete and utter silence for a long moment, and the pure terror that has now crossed the other woman's features has Olivia's breath catching sharply in her throat, the detective's breathing picking up and sounding harsh and ragged in the quiet office, the din of their fellow officers carrying on with their workload out on the squad room sounding faint and far away to Olivia's ears as she focuses all of her attention on the woman who is now curled up into a shaking ball of fear on the couch. She leans her elbows onto the cushions to run a comforting hand over Amanda's unruly head of hair that has lost the sleek look she had arrived with earlier, the blonde strands still damp from the snow, and her heart breaks when she hears a slight whimper emit from pink parted lips.

"Amanda, it's okay," she soothes compassionately, bringing their faces closer together so they are regarding each other eye to eye, and she can see pools of unshed tears swimming in the large blue orbs that are gazing back at her with an intense amount of anxiety. "Can you tell me how those scars really got there? I know it wasn't Frannie."

Amanda inhales a shaking breath and lets loose with another low whimper that makes Olivia's heart ache inside her chest, the younger woman's eyes squeezing tightly shut. "It's okay," she repeats softly, leaning over to press a tender kiss to the detective's forehead that she had wanted to place on their joined hands earlier. "You can tell me."

"P-patton," Amanda chokes out in a strangled tone of voice, and Olivia frowns at her colleague in confusion.

"I don't understand, Amanda. Patton put those marks there? But some of them look very fresh, like they just happened recently." Olivia's perplexity is growing by the second as she struggles to comprehend just what exactly is going on here, her brain in overdrive and spinning out of control as she is suddenly seized with a bizarre thought that Patton had somehow gotten to Amanda during his time in New York and had hurt her again, but that had been a month ago and the most recent wounds appear to be much newer than that.

"Do you mean that he put the older marks there back in Atlanta?" she asks with a deeper frown, realizing that this still doesn't explain the wounds that are fresh.

"Patton's hand was there. On my hip." Amanda's voice is low and mumbled and comes out in a squeak that has Olivia straining to hear her properly.

"Okay..." Olivia trails off and hopes the younger woman will continue talking, her heart hammering wildly in her chest now because she doesn't like where this conversation is going.

"Patton's hands were in a lot of places," Amanda whispers, opening her eyes again and staring straight at Olivia, the depth of anguish that is plain in those big blue orbs a heartbreaking sight for her to behold. "I can still feel his hands on me sometimes, like he's actually still touching me. It makes me feel sick to my stomach. It hurts a lot. And I feel a lot of...shame."

"Oh, Amanda." Olivia's voice is very hushed when she speaks again, and she reaches out to clasp their hands together, squeezing gently, the pet name slipping out before she can stop it. "Sweetheart, did you do this to yourself? Did you scratch your hip on purpose?"

Amanda doesn't answer this time, the younger woman's mouth firmly closed now and her gaze sliding away once again, refusing to confirm or deny whether she had hurt herself, and a horrifying thought suddenly crosses Olivia's mind as she wonders if there are similar scars in other places on the younger woman's body that Patton had touched.


	4. Chapter 4

**_MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS_ : I haven't posted a new chapter of this story for a couple of weeks, so I wanted to give another reminder that this fic deals with the aftermath of rape and physical violence and self harm, so please be advised of this before you continue reading, if these things trigger or bother you in any way.**

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Amanda stares up at the pitch dark ceiling as she lays somewhat awkwardly in bed, her thoughts in utter turmoil and unable to settle down enough to drift off into a desperately sought-after slumber. She can't get comfortable at all in her current position; sprawled out on her back across the mattress with her pajama shirt rucked up around her ribs and an ice pack placed on her stomach, a persistent hint of nausea that won't leave her alone, and Frannie snuggled up between her legs with a furry head resting on one of Amanda's thighs.

Her beloved pet has been quite out-of-sorts and extremely overprotective since she had arrived home from the precinct earlier that evening, as if the dog could sense that not only had Amanda been physically injured at work but her emotions are in complete upheaval as well, and is very dedicated to providing her owner with some sort of comfort. Frannie had spent the past few hours trotting eagerly after Amanda throughout the apartment, following her from room to room during dinner and her bedtime routine, and now their bodies seem to have become entirely merged together as the canine refuses to move even an inch away so that Amanda can try to find a position that is at least a modicum more comfortable.

She lets out a weary sigh and reaches an arm down to stroke a palm soothingly over Frannie's head, the dog letting out a whine of appreciation in response and swiping a long pink tongue over Amanda's hand as an apparent gesture of thanks. She scratches trembling fingers through her pet's warm spiky fur and lets her eyelids flutter closed, hoping against hope that she will finally be sucked down into the deep, dark depths of unconsciousness she is so longing for and that no one will be awaiting her in her dreams; that Charles Patton will not be starring in her nightmares once again and she will actually be allowed to enjoy a rare peaceful and stress-free sleep.

Slumber continues to stubbornly elude her, though, and Amanda wonders how the other human occupant of the apartment has been able to get any rest at all, as she listens to Olivia's light snores that sound on a regular basis from the couch in the living room. A soft cough or quietly spoken word punctuates the air from time to time as the older woman sleeps, Olivia seemingly caught up in some interesting dreams of her own. Amanda has very mixed feelings about the brunette spending the night at her place again, especially after what had happened at the precinct earlier that day and Amanda's comment about keeping things professional between them, but had figured it would be much easier to say yes to Olivia's worried pleas to stay overnight instead of blowing her boss off and not allowing the other woman to come over.

The first day back at work after her leave of absence had certainly been less than stellar; the combination of Olivia's and Fin's worry for her well-being mixed in with the obvious feelings from both Amaro and Carisi that she is quite sure go beyond that of just co-workers being friendly, doing their best to annoy to hell out of her before the day had been capped off with that teenage stoner kneeing her in the stomach and consequently bringing her deepest, darkest secret to light. Amanda's face burns with a blend of shame and humiliation and a particular kind of terror that she has only felt once before in her life and something she has thankfully not had the misfortune to experience for a very long time; the fear and anxiety that come with being caught, the panic and dread that stem from the knowledge of her secret being exposed and brought to light and thrust out into the open to be scrutinized and judged and picked apart, no matter how gentle and caring the intentions might be this time.

She has resolutely stayed quiet throughout the ensuing hours since Olivia had made the unsettling discovery in her office after Amanda had been injured by that drugged-up little shit at the high school, neither verbally confirming nor denying the older woman's suspicions that she has been hurting herself, although she winces upon remembering her admittance that Patton's hand had been on her hip where some of the scars reside. Olivia had insisted on escorting her home after work and Amanda had put up very little resistance, much to the brunette's obvious shock and relief, figuring it would be much easier on both of them to just give in to her boss' need to accompany her back to the apartment instead of arguing about it, despite what she had said about the two of them spending too much time together outside of work. The exhaustion of the day, combined with both the physical and emotional pain, had ended up wearing her right down until she had been too tired to utter a word of dissent, and had not been in the mood to engage in one of the legendary fights that they have become known for; had not wanted to deal with the added emotional strain of arguing with her best friend, especially about this particularly heated and serious topic.

Olivia had obviously made an effort to be as easygoing as possible when they had returned to Amanda's place, telling her that she wasn't going to keep asking about the marks on her hip or urging her to see a doctor for her stomach injury but letting Amanda know that she was ready and willing to listen, when and if she wanted to discuss anything, and assuring her that they didn't have to talk at all while she was there but that Olivia wished to remain close by to keep an eye on her. The evening had ended up being extremely awkward, to say the least; Amanda preparing a quick and easy microwavable dinner and the two of them taking Frannie out for a hurried walk in the freezing cold winter darkness before putting a movie on.

Any discussion between them had been quite minimal and they had huddled at opposite ends of the couch while the film had played, neither one paying much attention to what was happening on the TV screen, both lost in thought and consumed with their own worries. Amanda could tell that Olivia had been trying very hard to hold her tongue and not pry into her personal business with invasive and probing questions, and it had been very much appreciated, but she doesn't know how long she can hold off the other woman's inquiries, especially when she remembers how hard she had pushed Olivia in the aftermath of what had happened with Lewis and knowing how much the older woman wants to be there for her in the same way.

Amanda had seen the look in Olivia's dark eyes as she had set up the couch for the brunette to spend the night after agreeing that they would sleep separately; a complex storm of emotions raging within those deep brown orbs that she finds herself drowning in more often than not, that intense worry mixing in with something else that Amanda is too afraid to bring up in conversation. Her heart had been in her throat as she had trudged slowly into the bedroom with Frannie on her heels, leaving Olivia behind while the other woman had looked so uncharacteristically lost and forlorn, and the words had been hovering right on the tip of Amanda's tongue as she had closed the door and her eyes had bored straight into Olivia's for a brief second; the urge to tell the older woman to join her in the bed and not leave her alone bubbling up inside her throat before being determinedly tamped back down.

She had tried to ignore the disappointment and hurt that had flashed across Olivia's expression in that instant before closing herself inside her bedroom, the look on the brunette's face replaying itself over and over again in Amanda's mind, and she is quite tempted to toss the ice pack onto the nightstand and throw the covers aside to march out to the living room and squeeze onto the couch beside the other woman, giving and taking the comfort that they are obviously both so desperate for. Despite her intentions for seeing this plan through, Amanda finds that her eyelids are finally slowly drooping shut, and she gratefully allows herself to succumb to the delicious slumber that is beckoning so tantalizingly.

Her eyelids are flying back open only a moment later, however, as a soft noise has just sounded right by the bedroom door and a tentative smile stretches slowly across Amanda's face as she rubs a closed fist across her blurry eyes and tries to get a better look at the shadowy figure standing there before her. "You can join me, if you want," she whispers shyly, gesturing to the empty space on the bed beside her as she is pierced with guilt for treating Olivia so badly at the precinct, Frannie still curled up between her legs and sleeping soundly, not moving an inch at the sudden sound of her owner's voice disturbing the quiet of the night.

"Well, how kind of you, Mandy. Don't mind if I do."

Every single hair on Amanda's body is instantly rising and standing at attention as she immediately recognizes that deep Southern drawl, the calm voice and polite words always disguising her former deputy chief's true intentions; overcome with dread and fear when she realizes that it is not Olivia standing there but the man of her nightmares instead.

"You know, it's nice to see you taking some initiative here," he continues in that usual mocking and condescending tone, Amanda watching with alarm as Charles Patton materializes out of the darkness and seems to transform from a murky, shadowy being into the fully formed figure of her Atlanta boss, the moonlight breaking through the clouds outside the window and illuminating his tall and imposing frame as he takes a menacing step toward the bed.

"I know it's not all one-sided here, Miss Rollins, no matter how much you like to pretend it is. I know you want it just as much as I want to give it to you," he sneers in a whispered tone that is simmering with arousal and violence, a stark promise of the terror and humiliation and pain that is to come, and Amanda finds herself shrinking back against the headboard in horror, arms and legs folding into her chest to make her body small; to give the appearance of being so tiny that she might actually shrink and disappear entirely, and he will have no choice but to just give up and go away.

But Amanda knows from experience that Patton is like a dog with a bone and he won't give up until he has chewed completely through her, ripping her to pieces both physically and emotionally, exposing the most private parts of her body and soul before spitting out the mangled mess that remains and continuing blithely on with his own life like he hadn't just torn hers apart and has left her to wade in shock and confusion through the wreckage.

Her hand creeps slowly beneath the ice pack that is still resting on her stomach as she watches him take another step closer to the bed, one trembling fingertip tracing repeatedly around a raised scar that she finds nears her navel, remembering when Patton had held her down with one large hand splayed out across her bare abdomen, pinning her roughly to the bed while the other hand had gone to work lower on her body, thick fingers harshly invading her in places that make her sick to think about.

"Mmm, I love when your brain is consumed with thoughts of me, Mandy," he says softly, a knowing snicker emitting from his grotesque mouth; a mouth that has been on various parts of Amanda's body without her consent, and she is taken aback at his apparent ability to be able to read exactly what is on her mind. "Oops, I'm sorry, _Detective Rollins_ ," he snarls wickedly with a vicious burst of laughter. "I keep forgetting how you women think you're actually supposed to be treated with respect at the precinct, like you're our equals and not just playthings for me and my boys."

"Get the fuck out," Amanda snarls in disgust, the sudden rage that is thrumming through her outweighing the sheer and utter terror that just the mere sight of this man seems to provoke, and she unfolds herself from her curled up position against the headboard, throwing the blankets aside with the intention of leaping to her feet and physically pushing this monster out of the room with every ounce of strength that she possesses.

"Awww, you don't want me?" Patton replies with feigned hurt, the corners of his lips quirking up into a mischievous smirk. "Well, alrighty then. I'll just take my leave, if that's what you would prefer."

Amanda frowns deeply in response, blue eyes narrowing as a curl of suspicion twines around the rage and disgust that are still simmering inside, very aware that it has never been this easy before. Charles Patton always takes what he wants and doesn't leave until he is finished, and he certainly never takes orders from anyone, especially not from the likes her; small and blonde Amanda Rollins, a little girl who has no purpose being a detective and is only there to serve the needs of a man in higher power.

"It's okay, Mandy, your rejection doesn't hurt my feelings at all," he assures her with a teasing grin, and she feels a hint of uneasy relief as the large man takes a step back toward her bedroom door. "There's someone else in the other room, isn't there?" His voice has lowered down to a conspiratorial whisper and he wiggles his eyebrows up and down suggestively as his grin widens, the expression on his face indicating malicious intent that is no longer directed toward her. "A tall, dark-haired beauty with curves in all the right places and legs for days. You know, I don't just like my women young and small-boned and blonde." He winks lasciviously at her, his hand hovering over the doorknob now. "I have a broad range of tastes, and that gorgeous brunette out on the couch looks good enough to eat."

A rush of nausea suddenly races up Amanda's throat and she has to clap both hands over her mouth to keep from being violently ill, the thought of this vile, evil excuse for a man even thinking about laying a finger on Olivia inducing an abrupt physical response and a pure horror the likes of which she has never experienced before. "Don't you dare touch her, you fucking prick!" Amanda's voice is low and dangerous when she speaks, her hands curled into tight fists down by her sides, prepared to do anything and everything to protect her lieutenant from having to endure the same things that she had, even going so far as to offer herself up a sacrificial lamb. "I'll let you do anything you want to me if you just leave her alone."

Patton doesn't even grace Amanda with a verbal reply in response to her offer; instead just flashing her another one of his trademark smug smirks before whirling on his heel and giving the knob of the bedroom door a sharp twist as he steps out into the dark hallway. Amanda is in a complete panic as her body seems glued to the spot, hovering half in and half out of the bed, absolutely desperate to help Olivia; to launch herself at the man who has brought her so much hurt and anguish and pain, to try her best to physically hold him off so that he doesn't get even close to Olivia, but she can't move even an inch, her quivering limbs rooted right to the spot. When the older woman's terrified shriek sounds a moment later, Amanda has to hold in a horrified scream of her own, her heart racing madly out of control and a slick sweat matting her long hair to her head, beyond frightened for what is about to happen to her best friend, her eyes squeezing shut as if to block out everything that is about to occur.

She is overcome with an intense amount of confusion as her eyelids fly open a moment later and she finds herself standing beside the bed now, arms and legs shuddering violently and Frannie dancing around her feet in anxious perplexity, her gaze falling on the bedroom door which is firmly closed, no sign of another person having been inside the room with her. Amanda's confusion only deepens when she hears Olivia shriek again, and she has absolutely no idea what is going on; if she has been awake this whole time or had fallen asleep and is still caught up in one of her nightmares. Regardless of what is actually happening, the thought of Charles Patton having somehow found his way into her apartment with the intention of hurting the person who is more important to her than anyone else she has ever known has Amanda springing into action as her feet unglue themselves from the floor and she bursts from the room to sprint down the hallway with Frannie running so closely behind her that their legs nearly become entangled together, threatening to send both human and canine hurtling toward the hard surface of the floor.

When Amanda reaches the living room, she skids to an abrupt stop at the stunning sight before her, the pounding of her heart only increasing when she sees Olivia sitting up on the couch and muttering something under her breath while emitting the occasional whimper; the confusion and fear and a sudden spark of shameful arousal pulling tightly around Amanda to create a swirling mix of emotions. The lower half of the older woman's body is hidden beneath the blankets that are draped across her lap, the covers pooling at her waist in a jumbled heap, but her upper half is entirely exposed; no covers or pajama shirt or bra to be seen, Olivia's breasts laid bare in the soft moonlight that is trickling in the window through a gap in the curtains, gleaming olive skin and dusky pink nipples causing Amanda's breath to catch in her throat and her mouth to go dry. For a moment she thinks the brunette had been violated by Patton in the short amount of time it has taken her to rush out here and that is why Olivia is naked from the waist up, and the thought of actually feeling aroused by seeing her boss without her shirt on in this instance is enough to induce another sharp wave of nausea and remorse, completely disgusted with herself.

Amanda creeps toward the couch, an apology poised on the tip of her tongue for thinking such horrendous and inappropriate thoughts in this kind of situation, her head swinging back and forth as she looks around wildly while trying to locate Patton, but her former deputy chief seems to have vanished into thin air and she is still quite unsure of just what exactly is going on here; reality and dreams bleeding together in a jumbled mess to the point where she is unable to ascertain what is real and what is not.

Olivia is murmuring something about William Lewis; about fire and cigarettes and burning flesh, and Amanda's brain slowly to begins clear as she realizes that both of them have been suffering through their own horrific nightmares at the same time; that Patton has certainly not just left her bedroom to assault Olivia but that the brunette seems to be currently reliving her own assault, and she needs to put her own issues aside and focus on gently waking Olivia up and putting an end to the other woman's torment.

Any residual anger or resentment that Amanda had felt toward Olivia earlier in the day has completely melted away in the wake of her boss' intense distress and incoherence, the older woman still firmly caught up in her nightmare and beginning to shout heatedly at a presence that only she can see, Frannie whining in a high-pitched tone of alarm in response, and Amanda quickly shushing the dog before shooing her into the kitchen so she can turn all of her attention on Olivia.

"Liv, honey?" Amanda says quietly as she takes another step toward the couch, stopping just short of reaching out to lay a hand on her lieutenant's bare shoulder, her gaze straying down to the scars that mar the upper part of Olivia's chest, the wounds trailing down between her breasts to her scatter across her stomach. "What's going on? Where's your shirt?"

"It's too hot," Olivia mumbles, swiping a hand over a breast that is beaded with droplets of sweat. "I had to take it off. It's burning."

"It's the middle of winter, Liv," Amanda reasons quietly, although she can see that the other woman is indeed overheated, Olivia's dark hair matted to her forehead with moisture. "It's freezing in here. Why are you so hot? What's burning, honey?"

"My skin," Olivia whimpers as both hands clutch the front of her chest now. "The cigarettes are hurting me."

"Liv, there's no cigarettes in here, remember?" Amanda reminds her gently, her heart aching at the other woman's anguish. "I stopped smoking a long time ago." A habit that Amanda hadn't been able to break since she had started smoking in her teenage years had come to an abrupt end after the sight of a pack of cigarettes tucked into her purse had sent Olivia into an instant and terrifying flashback not long after her first ordeal with Lewis, causing Amanda to go cold turkey and never even so much as touching another cigarette since then.

"He won't stop burning me," Olivia cries, her arms and legs folding closer to her body as if trying to protect herself from the scene she is experiencing in her nightmare. "I try not to scream because I know he gets off on it, but I can't help it."

"Oh, Liv." Amanda's voice is hushed when she speaks, her eyes blurring with hot tears and her heart shattering into pieces because it has been a very long time since she has seen Olivia in such a state; since she has held the other woman against her chest and soothingly coaxed her from yet another devastating nightmare, since she has had to reassure her that William Lewis is dead and can never hurt her or anyone else ever again.

A sudden distressing thought occurs to Amanda as she very slowly eases herself down on the cushions next to Olivia, with the intention of putting a stop to the awful dreams and memories; of bringing her lieutenant out of the confines of her mind and back to reality, and she is stricken with the idea that she herself has been the cause of this, that Olivia seeing the scars on her hip at the precinct had been the catalyst for her own horrific nightmares featuring the scars that litter her body from the violence that Lewis had inflicted upon her. Amanda covers her mouth as she is overcome with a wave of intense guilt, reaching out to place a tender hand on Olivia's shoulder and flinching as the other woman jerks violently beneath her touch, and she knows that she needs to put a stop to this right now.

"Liv, honey? We're in my apartment, okay?" Amanda says very softly as she tries again to lay a gentle hand on Olivia's shoulder and is relieved when the older woman doesn't pull away this time. "Remember you came here with me after work and we decided to have another sleepover? It's just you, me, and Frannie here. No Lewis and no cigarettes. It's cold in here and there's nothing hot on your skin, okay? No one is hurting you. It's just a bad dream."

"He said he was making me ugly," Olivia mutters under her breath and Amanda frowns deeply, leaning forward so that she is face to face with her boss, Olivia's eyes wide open and staring straight at her, although she is unable to ascertain whether or not the brunette is actually awake. "Every time he burned me, he would laugh so hard like it was some kind of joke, saying that no one was ever going to want me when he got done with me; that I would never be able to take my clothes off in front of anyone without them asking questions, without them being disgusted, without me being reminded of him."

The tears that have welled up in Amanda's eyes come streaking down her cheeks now and she has to hold in a loud sob, not at all eager to frighten Olivia any more than she already is, and pretty sure that the other woman is now on the verge of waking up entirely and not wanting to disrupt that process and send her plummeting further back into the dark recesses of her brain. She remembers with acute and sickening clarity how it had felt to be told how ugly she was because of her scars; not expecting to hear such a thing from the person who had said it, as she had never expected to be in a situation where Charles Patton would be seeing her without a stitch of clothing on; every part of her body laid bare before his roaming and perverted gaze as his eyes had wandered up and down her naked skin, frowning in perplexity and then in knowing realization at the scars that resided in certain areas, wounds that had been put there by her own hand long before Patton had ever laid a finger on her.

The disgusted laugh that had followed; the offhand remark that she wasn't nearly as pretty underneath her clothes as he had been anticipating but that she would still be good for a nice long fuck, had dashed any hopes that Amanda had held about him tossing her aside because she didn't meet his standards, growing more humiliated and embarrassed by the second under that intensely scrutinizing gaze that seemed to burn right into every part of her being. The terror of her secret being discovered by this man; Patton repeatedly brushing aside her lame excuses that she had been injured in an accident and hadn't inflicted these wounds upon herself like he had accused of her doing, had only grown stronger when he had threatened to reveal her secret to everyone at the precinct if she didn't comply with each and every one of his demands, never failing to remind her that all of her their co-workers would soon know what Amanda had done to herself if she didn't behave like the good Southern girl she was supposed to be.

"You are not ugly, Liv," she replies with a quiet vehemence, lifting a hand to sweep aside a lock of damp hair from the other woman's forehead while her other hand drifts down to clutch onto the blankets. "You're beautiful, do you hear me? More beautiful than anyone I've ever met. There is nothing even remotely ugly about you."

"I know," Olivia whispers, and Amanda observes with no small amount of relief that the brunette is finally now fully awake and gazing back at her with a coherent, if pained, expression. "I used to think he was right; that he had made me that way, that I was ugly after the things he had done to me, but I know it isn't true." There is a slight pause as they stare at each other intently before Olivia continues speaking, swiping a tender thumb beneath Amanda's eye to catch one of the tears that are still steadily falling. "I can see it when you look at me, Amanda; that you're telling the truth when you say I'm beautiful, that you told me I was beautiful right after it happened, just like you're telling me now. That the scars he put on me don't make me ugly."

"I _am_ telling you the truth," Amanda confirms fervently, leaning into Olivia's touch and lifting the blanket to cover the other woman up so she doesn't feel vulnerable while they have this discussion, and is surprised when the brunette gently pushes her hand away.

"I'm too hot," Olivia mutters in a small voice, like she too is on the verge of tears and is trying to put a stop to them. "I can still feel the cigarettes burning my skin, even though it was just a dream. It feels like my whole body is on fire. It feels like it's happening right now, like his hands are still on me."

"It's not happening right now," Amanda murmurs soothingly, her own tears refusing to let up in the face of Olivia's intense physical and emotional pain, and she leans forward to press a soft kiss to the older woman's forehead, one hand sliding slowly up Olivia's arm and trailing around to her back, fingers splaying out across bare, sweaty skin. "This is my hand touching you, not his, okay? You're safe, Liv. No one is hurting you, I promise."

"I know," Olivia whispers again in a tight voice, shifting back slightly so they are looking each other in the eye again, brown eyes suddenly boring into blue with an unwavering intensity. "I'm so sorry, Amanda."

"What?" she answers in confusion, frowning at the other woman while making large, sweeping circles across her boss' back. "Why are you sorry?"

"I'm sorry for making you uncomfortable," Olivia replies in a hushed tone, dark eyes bright with unshed tears. "I'm sitting here half naked, talking about my scars, when you're going through so much...some things that are very similar..."

"You're not making me uncomfortable," Amanda assures her quietly, another strong wave of guilt hitting her so hard that it almost takes her breath away with the force of it; that persistent sensation that she was the one who had caused this with her own flashbacks of Patton and her fears of being naked in front of anyone and Olivia's discovery of her scars.

A tear slips from Olivia's eye to roll down her cheek and Amanda's heart breaks as she watches the other woman's face crumple, the apologizes falling steadily from the brunette's lips. "I'm sorry, Amanda. I know you've been going through something terrible lately, and I'm trying to be strong for you, but I just can't get him out of my head right now...the scars hurt so much..."

Amanda stifles a sob and gathers her boss to her chest as gently as she can, mindful of the fact that Olivia is in pain but wanting to provide comfort in any way that she possibly can, murmuring soothingly into her ear that she is safe here and that Olivia doesn't have to be strong all the time, her arms winding themselves around the taller woman's back to stroke tenderly along heated skin, while Amanda desperately tries to push down the immense amount of guilt that is threatening to swallow her whole.

She is devastated that it has come to this; that Olivia is suffering through her own nightmares again and breaking down in Amanda's arms, most likely in response to what has been happening with Amanda herself, and for all of the effort that she has put into making it seem like everything is fine and trying to convince herself and everyone else that nothing is wrong, it is all coming crashing down around her now; first with her own flashbacks and nightmares and the reveal of the scars on her hip, and now with Olivia's own horrific dreams and physical pain. The trip to Costa Rica had done nothing to start her on the road to recovery or to make her feel even the slightest bit better about things, despite her claims that the time away had been very good for her, so desperate for everything to be fine again and not wanting to let anyone in on her own private and shameful agony.

She is aware of how unfair it is that she had pushed so hard into the other woman's life with the intention of helping her after the ordeals with Lewis, but now that the tables are turned, she is pushing Olivia away just as firmly and not allowing the brunette to help her in return, and Amanda bites back a whimper as she realizes that her own scars are now throbbing as much as Olivia's seem to be, the newest ones fresh and excruciating and having been etched into her skin right after she had left the older woman alone in the living room for the night, suffering through another flashback of Patton while she had been getting ready for bed in the bathroom.

Amanda presses the softest of kisses along the tops of Olivia's shoulders as she rocks the other woman back and forth in her embrace and listens to the quiet crying and sniffling, trying to ignore the pulse of pain in certain areas of her body that she doesn't wish to think about Patton touching and wanting to focus all of her attention on the trembling woman in her arms. She leans back slightly to get a look at Olivia's tear-streaked face when her gaze wanders down between their bodies to the scars on her boss' chest, and this is the first time that she is getting an up close and personal look, having only caught quick glimpses when Olivia has been changing. That guilt is slamming into Amanda with the force of a train now; reminded yet again that while it had been her own choice to drag a razor across her tender skin, any choice of Olivia's had been taken away from her while she had been at the mercy of a man intent on degrading her and abusing her for his own pleasure.

"Do they still hurt?" Amanda whispers, inhaling a shuddering breath as she speaks, both of their faces awash in tears, and she finds herself raising a hesitant arm to Olivia's chest, her fingertips hovering right over the marks as if she can soothe the pain away with a gentle touch.

Just as she realizes what she is about to do, horrified with herself for nearly touching an intimate part of Olivia's body without her permission, the brunette shocks Amanda by tenderly taking her hand in her own and pressing Amanda's palm right over heart. She sucks in another deep mouthful of air as her fingers spread out along Olivia's heated skin, feeling the strong heartbeat thrumming beneath her hand as she stares at the wide dark eyes that are boring right back into her own with an unwavering intensity, their gazes locked together and both of them ceasing to speak for a long moment.

She can feel the raised scars beneath her palm and fingertips, although she makes sure to keep herself entirely still while Olivia continues to hold her hand against her heart, the organ pumping as hard as Amanda's currently is, and despite the most intimate moment she has ever shared with this woman who has become her whole world over these past couple of years, she is still unable to bring herself to speak about her own scars that reside on many hidden parts of her body. A brief thought flickers through her mind that Olivia is only doing this so that Amanda will feel comfortable enough to open up about what has been happening; to come clean about the wounds that litter her body that were not put there by a madman but by her own hand, this habit that had started way back when she was hardly more than a child and was first made aware of just what kind of monsters live in this world, this habit that now continues whenever anything of that sort happens, whether it be in reality or in a nightmare or flashback.

"Is this okay?" Olivia whispers, her gaze flickering down to their joined hands before raising back up so their eyes are locked together once again, and Amanda nods slowly, overcome with so many conflicting emotions that she is having trouble replying verbally. "I just-" Olivia falters with her words momentarily before speaking again. "I just wanted to feel your touch instead of his. His hands...they're just all over me..."

Amanda lays a gentle finger against Olivia's lips, the corner of her mouth quirking up into a sad little smile. "It's more than okay, Liv," she whispers back. "Anytime you need this, it's more than okay, alright?" Now she is the one who is faltering when she tries to speak, the words coming out in a muted, almost inaudible tone. "God, Olivia, I am so very sorry for everything he put you through."

Her hand slips from over the other woman's heart as she leans forward to pull Olivia back into her arms, squeezing her a bit more tightly this time, feeling overwhelmed with everything that is happening; that the two of them are so broken and falling apart at the same time, and she is so desperate to fix this, to make things right again, that she presses her lips very lightly to the side of Olivia's neck to try and bring the brunette some comfort and obliterate any lingering thoughts of William Lewis.

She hears Olivia let out a soft sigh and feels the older woman tilt her head to the side to give Amanda better access, so she continues peppering small kisses down to the brunette's shoulders, pressing her mouth again and again to warm soft skin, whispering repeatedly that it's just her here and no one else, that Olivia is safe and no one is hurting her, before trailing her lips back up to the other woman's neck and then placing a lingering kiss on her cheek, followed by a fleeting one near the corner of her mouth. Her heart seems to grind to a complete halt inside her chest when Olivia turns her head to the side just enough so that her lips are grazing Amanda's own in a gesture that might be a reciprocation of comfort or possibly something more, and before Amanda can think too hard about the situation and whether or not this is right or wrong, she is deepening the kiss.

Olivia responds immediately, her lips caressing gently against Amanda's, a warmth blooming inside to slowly encompass her entire body and a sudden pleasant ache making itself known between her legs. She resolutely pushes this feeling down, focusing instead on the tender kiss she is sharing with the woman who means more to her than anyone she ever known, the action neither hurried nor demanding, just a soft and gentle pressure that lasts for only a moment before each is simultaneously pulling the other back into their arms, holding on tightly like they are intent on never letting go, Amanda burying her face into Olivia's silky dark tresses and closing her eyes.

There is complete silence between them for quite some time as they sit there holding one other on the couch in the dark living room, the clock ticking steadily away toward dawn, the only sound in the apartment the rhythmic click of Frannie's toenails as the dog paces back and forth with apparent impatience in the kitchen, like she is waiting for the two of them to pull themselves together so they can go back to bed.

Amanda feels Olivia's chin shift slightly on her shoulder so that the older woman's mouth is right against her ear, a shiver running down her spine as the brunette's warm breath caresses her skin, her entire body freezing when Olivia suddenly speaks in a hushed whisper. "Amanda, are you hurting yourself?"

Amanda goes completely stiff with shock and fear in her sergeant's arms, her breath as well as her voice caught in her throat, although she is unsure of why she is so surprised and stricken with a question that Olivia has already asked. "It's okay, sweetheart," the other woman murmurs quietly, and Amanda feels a tender hand come up to stroke through long blonde strands of rumpled hair. "You can be honest with me. Please don't be afraid to talk to me. This is very important, Amanda."

The tears which have begun to dry on her cheeks are beginning to well up in her eyes once again when Olivia leans away from her to grasp onto both of Amanda's hands with each of her own, squeezing in a kind but firm gesture. "Please tell me the truth, honey. I'm scared for you." There is a prolonged pause and Amanda watches as Olivia swallows hard, the same tears that are swimming in her own blue eyes mirrored in the older woman's large dark orbs. "Are you hurting yourself in the places Patton touched you?"

Amanda finds that she cannot look away no matter how hard she tries, her eyes locked intently onto Olivia's once again, her heart pounding so frantically inside her chest and her body shaking so violently that it is all she can do to hold herself upright on the cushions, one whispered and shame-filled word finally falling from between parted lips.

"Yes."


	5. Chapter 5

**I am extremely sorry for the huge delay with posting the next update of this story! This chapter picks up right where the previous one left off, after both women have horrific nightmares and Amanda admits to Olivia that she has been hurting herself.**

 _ **Just a reminder that this story deals with the aftermath of rape and violence, as well as self harm, and could be disturbing to some readers, so please take this into consideration if any of these subjects are a trigger for you**._

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The faintly uttered "yes" that has just fallen from Amanda's trembling mouth is ringing harshly in Olivia's ears as they sit there entwined together on the couch in the wee hours of the morning, her lips still tingling from their first tentative kiss, hearts racing and limbs entangled and faces streaked with tears. Olivia had already known the answer to the question before the words had even left her mouth, the dreaded suspicion that something was terribly wrong with her friend hovering at the forefront of her thoughts for the past few weeks and exploding upon the discovery in her office of the suspicious marks on the younger woman's hip, but even despite this, she still finds herself shuddering with shock that Amanda has actually confirmed what she has been suspecting.

Before Olivia has time to respond, her thoughts spiraling out of control as several other burning questions are bombarding her brain and poising themselves on the tip of her tongue, Amanda is suddenly in her arms once again, flushed face pressing hard into Olivia's neck as the detective's tears roll over the bare skin of her shoulder and trail a wet pathway down her naked back. She belatedly realizes that she is still not wearing a shirt, her pajama top lying in a crumpled heap on the floor somewhere in the darkened living room, and that if they are going to forge ahead with this conversation, it would probably best be done fully clothed.

Olivia's scars are still tingling in the aftermath of her horrifically realistic nightmare of the torture that had been inflicted upon her by William Lewis, and even though the overwhelmingly intense heat and pain are now beginning to recede and have left her shivering lightly in their wake, she finds herself unable to pull away from Amanda long enough to scoop her shirt up from the floor, as the other woman now seems to be fused right into the front of her body. Olivia rocks the detective slowly in her embrace, a tendril of relief mixing in with the other wild emotions she is feeling at the moment, hopeful that Amanda will finally begin to share everything that has been going on since Patton was in town and will accept some much-needed help.

Her thoughts seem to be swirling in a giant tornado of unexpressed emotions and memories as she tries to think of the best way to proceed with this very delicate line of discussion, everything that has taken place over the past several weeks mixing together in an enormous mess of pain and confusion. Olivia wonders with no small amount of trepidation and alarm how bad the wounds on Amanda's body are and how frequently the younger woman has been harming herself, not to mention when this habit had first begun; the guilt from sending Amanda to Atlanta with Fin to try and connect the dots to a serial rapist that had been operating in both cities stabbing through her like the blade of a knife.

Amanda had previously been very vague on the details of what had occurred in her old precinct, and even though Olivia was aware that something inappropriate had taken place there, she did not know the exact circumstances or extent of the situation and had not realized that she was sending the detective to face her rapist, wondering with no small amount of guilt if that had been the catalyst for her best friend harming herself so horribly. It was possible that Amanda had been unable to handle being back in her old state with the boss who had so grievously hurt her and had begun inflicting pain upon herself as a result, or perhaps this habit had started a few years ago while she was still a resident of Atlanta and was a consequence of what she had been made to endure at the hands of a man who was her superior and was supposed to protect those who worked beneath him instead of betraying them in the worst conceivable way. There is also the possibility that this habit had begun after Reese Taymor had testified that Patton had done the same thing to her, and in Olivia's panic and anguish for what Amanda is doing to herself, it is all she can do not to give the woman in her arms a very vigorous shake and demand to know when all of this had started, absolutely desperate for some details.

Olivia deeply regrets not pushing harder after Amanda had revealed that something had happened to her on the job back in Atlanta and wishes the younger woman had confided in her much sooner, but is beginning to come to a clearer understanding of certain things in light of the detective's devastating revelation, despite the number of questions she still has. She acknowledges that Amanda's own trauma had likely been one of the reasons she had pushed so hard to help Olivia in the aftermath of both situations with Lewis, as the other woman had already been through her own terrible experience and didn't want her superior to endure what she had. She is guessing that the shame and fear of her co-worker's dangerous habit possibly being discovered and brought to light has been playing a large part in Amanda's silence on the matter, and Olivia's eyes are fixed intently on the detective's quivering body in her arms, her gaze sweeping up and down the length of the small, shuddering form and wondering what lies beneath those striped pajamas.

"Amanda, we need to talk about this, sweetheart," Olivia says softly into the other woman's ear, running a soothing hand up and down the flannel material of the detective's shirt as she speaks, wanting her to feel at ease enough to continue sharing, and eager to reciprocate the comfort that Amanda has just provided her with during her awful nightmare.

"Can you tell me what's been going on lately?" She tries to bite back the dozen or so other questions that are still poised on the tip of her tongue, ready to be asked with an intensity and alarm that is resolutely being pushed down so the younger woman won't feel the need to flee the room before the conversation has barely begun, remembering how skittish Amanda tends to become when these kinds of discussions directly involve her.

"I don't want to talk about it," Amanda mumbles into her neck, a flood of hot tears continuing to spill over Olivia's shoulder and trailing down her back like raindrops. "I came out here because I heard you screaming and I was worried and wanted to comfort you, Liv. You're upset about your nightmare, so we should be talking about _you_ , not me."

"Honey, do you really think we're going to talk about anything else after what you've just told me?" Olivia chides gently, scratching her fingernails lightly against the detective's scalp for emphasis and trying to control the rate with which her heart is pounding, consumed with explosive worry and fear for the woman in her arms. "I'm fine."

"You are not _fine_ , Olivia," Amanda snaps in a voice that is dragged out on a prolonged sob, and Olivia is rapidly blinking back tears of her own once again at the sheer depth of agony that is evident in the younger woman's tone. "You're sitting here half naked in the middle of the night in a freezing cold apartment during the winter because you thought some lunatic who died almost a year ago was burning your skin with cigarettes. Does that sound like someone who is fine?"

Olivia winces sharply, completely taken aback at the sudden harshness of the other woman's tone and swift change in attitude as Amanda yanks herself abruptly from her warm embrace and struggles to her feet, wobbling unsteadily next to the couch as tears run in rivulets down her damp cheeks, small fists clenched at her sides like she is desperately trying to get ahold of herself, the shocking words she has just uttered most likely being used as a defense mechanism. Frannie trots back in from the kitchen and prances cautiously around her owner for a moment before taking a seat on the floor in front of Amanda and swiping a long pink tongue over her curled fingers, as if in an attempt to pacify.

The blonde detective runs a distracted hand over her pet's head and murmurs something calming to the dog under her breath as she drags an arm across her face and pierces Olivia with an icy blue gaze that is full of heartache and shame, the salty droplets continuing to trickle from her eyes in a steady stream of torment that will not abate. "I shouldn't have come out here," Amanda mutters in a low, shaking voice that is choked with tears. "I should have just stayed in my room. I should have known..." There is a brief pause and Olivia tilts her head to the side with a curious frown. "I should have known that he wasn't actually out here with you."

"That who wasn't out here?" she asks in confusion and concern, shifting forward on the couch as if to reach out for the younger woman and bring her back into her safe embrace, the discarded pajama shirt all but forgotten on the floor now. "Lewis?"

"No, not Lewis." Amanda's head is bowed down toward the ground now, a waterfall of long blonde hair obscuring part of her anguished expression, and Olivia longs to lean forward to brush the golden curtain aside so she can properly see the smaller woman's face.

"Patton?" she says gently, coming to the realization that they had both been suffering through their respective nightmares at the same time, her heart aching with a deep empathy for the detective. "Did you think Patton was hurting me, sweetheart? Is that why you thought I was screaming?"

Amanda's shoulders are hunched up around her ears now, her hands flying upwards to cover her face with trembling fingers, the younger woman's entire body radiating fear and a certain defensiveness, like she is trying to protect herself from the onslaught of Olivia's words and the disturbing images being conjured up inside her head. "I don't want to talk about this anymore, okay? Not Patton, not Lewis, not anything. I just want to go back to bed." The voice emanating from between those quavering lips is stern and brittle, the earlier compassion and gentleness for her sergeant's misery having leached entirely from her tone and replaced with her own humiliation and regret.

"Amanda, we need to talk about this," Olivia repeats more firmly now, positioning herself closer to the edge of the couch with her hands braced against the cushions, knees bouncing up and down in a restless manner. "You know this isn't something that I can just ignore. This is very dangerous behavior that we need to do something about."

"I don't _want_ to do anything about it," Amanda whimpers, her hands sliding over from eyes that are squeezed tightly shut to cover her ears, as if she can block out what her boss is saying. "And I don't want to talk about it either. Please, Olivia. I never should have said anything to you."

"But I'm glad you _did_ , honey," Olivia replies in a stronger tone, desperately needing the other woman to realize how important this is and to stop brushing it off like the devastating secret she had just revealed was merely a slip of the tongue and doesn't matter; that it is nothing of significant importance and can just be swept under the rug and forgotten. "It needed to be said and I'm so glad you shared it with me. I can help you, sweetheart."

"No," Amanda says simply, her hands still clenched tightly over her ears and her eyes remaining firmly closed. "Stop. Please."

"Amanda-" Olivia stands up swiftly from the couch, her gaze straying down toward Frannie who is now sniffing curiously around the abandoned pajama shirt, but she can't make herself lean down to pick the garment up and put it back on again when the woman in front of her is quickly becoming unraveled at the seams.

 _"Stop!"_ Amanda yells in a strangled voice that is clogged with tears and emotion, and Olivia is not entirely sure if the small detective is completely in the present situation anymore. "It's too much, okay? You're in pain and so am I. Your scars hurt and now mine do too...God, it won't stop...he never stops..."

Olivia's breath catches sharply in her throat and her heart is clenching painfully inside her chest as she watches one of Amanda's arms band protectively across her breasts while the other drifts down between her legs so that her hand is cupping her core, similar to what she had seen the younger woman do after the flashback she had suffered the night before when Olivia had caught a glimpse of her nude form while she had been getting changed.

"Okay, Amanda, I need you to listen to me right now." Olivia bends over to scoop her shirt up off the floor as quickly as possible, trying to keep her eyes fixed firmly upon the smaller woman as she yanks the top over her head and pulls it down to her waist, fingers grazing her scars as she completes the action and trying to ignore that insistent unpleasant tingling sensation, their respective wounds seeming to ache in tandem with one another. "Whatever is happening right now is not real, alright? It's only in your head, sweetheart. No one is here except you and me and Frannie."

At the mention of her name, Frannie's ears perk straight up and she strides back over to her owner, dancing nervously around Amanda's shuddering body and giving a low whine of alarm when the detective lets loose with a broken sob, her entire form seeming to cave right in on itself as an act of preservation, as if to safeguard against what she thinks is about to come next.

"It hurts," Amanda moans in agony, the words almost indecipherable through her tormented cries, and Olivia steps forward to gently grasp onto the toned upper arms of the woman standing in front of her, the detective's body shivering violently now. "And I'm so cold. He never lets me keep clothes on."

"Honey, you have clothes on," Olivia reminds her softly, blinking in surprise at her colleague's choice of words as she realizes the heartbreaking implications of this statement; the suggestion that what had happened with Patton had occurred more than once. "You're fully dressed right now and no one is hurting you. Why don't you come back to the couch with me and get warmed up, okay?"

Olivia takes Amanda's hands into her own with a very light touch and walks backward to the couch with slow, measured steps, guiding the detective over to their previous spot on the cozy piece of furniture. "Come on, sweetheart; come and lay down with me," she urges quietly, careful not to trip over Frannie, who lets out an uneasy whine at her owner's behavior, and not wanting Amanda to become too deeply entrenched in her flashback. "It's not real, you're safe here with me."

To Olivia's great relief, the younger woman lets herself be gently maneuvered onto the cushions as they curl around each other once again, Olivia laying against the pillows on her side with her long legs stretched out across the couch and Amanda tucked up into her chest with her back pressing against Olivia's front. She realizes that she is just as cold as Amanda appears to be, now that her nightmare has receded and she had spent so much time without a shirt on, pulling the blankets up over their entwined forms and cuddling the other woman as closely into her body as she dares, not wanting to frighten her any further but needing Amanda to know that she is safe and secure and the monsters that haunt them both are not actually there.

"It hurts," Amanda whimpers again, Olivia peering over a small shoulder to see that the detective's hands are in the exact same position as they were a moment prior, seemingly trying to protect the more private parts of her body.

"Where does it hurt?" Olivia asks softly, even though she already knows the answer based on where Amanda's hands are situated. "Does your stomach still hurt?" she continues, referring to the drugged-up teenager who had assaulted the younger woman earlier that day and is currently undergoing surgery for a broken leg after plummeting down the stairs at the high school. "Did the ice pack help with the pain? That's probably why you're so cold, honey."

"It hurts where he was touching me," Amanda murmurs almost inaudibly, Olivia resting her chin on the detective's shoulder so she can hear her better, her heart aching in her chest with the knowledge that Amanda is not referring to the high school student, and a prickling sensation appearing across the back of her neck as something disturbing occurs to her.

"Why does it hurt there, sweetheart?" she inquires as gently as she can, sweeping a curtain of Amanda's long hair away from her face so she can get a look at the crumpled expression on the other woman's delicate features. "Does it hurt because of your flashback or for another reason?"

"Patton hurt me," Amanda mumbles sleepily under her breath, and Olivia slowly reaches an arm down in an attempt to remove the death grip that the detective has on herself, gently pulling her hands away from her breasts and between her legs and lacing their fingers firmly together.

"I know he hurt you, Amanda," she replies softly, gathering the shaking form of the smaller woman impossibly closer to her. "I know he hurt you in the past, but he's not hurting you right now. You know that, don't you?" She pauses briefly and swallows hard against the large lump that has suddenly taken up residence in her throat. "When was the last time you hurt yourself, honey? Is that why you're in pain right now? Did you do something to yourself earlier tonight, after we got home from work?"

Another wave of tears are threatening to release themselves in rivulets down Olivia's cheeks as she wonders if her friend has been harming herself when she has been present inside the apartment and able to put a stop to this horrific situation, and she awaits Amanda's answer with an alarmed impatience, only to be met by a light snore in response. Glancing over the other woman's shoulder again, she sees that Amanda has fallen asleep in pure tormented exhaustion, long lashes resting against tear-stained cheeks and her fingers still linked through Olivia's, Frannie sprawling out across the floor in front of the couch as if in relief that tonight's drama has finally come to an end and they can now relax.

Olivia sighs deeply and leans forward slightly to press a lingering kiss against the crown of Amanda's blonde head, her mind whirling with so many conflicting emotions and terrifying thoughts that she is quite certain she won't be getting any more sleep that night.

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When Olivia's eyelids flutter open, she is surprised to see a thin beam of golden sunlight trickling into Amanda's living room, the clock on the wall indicating that several hours have passed since their respective nightmares had awakened them both so abruptly in the wee hours of the morning, and that they are due to get up for work very shortly. She is stunned that she had actually been able to fall back to sleep after all of the chaos that had occurred in the middle of the night and that the other occupants of the apartment are still deeply enveloped in slumber, Frannie contorted into a very awkward position on the floor and Amanda curled up snugly against the front of her body, her face pushed into Olivia's chest and their legs entwined into a warm knot of tangled limbs beneath the blankets, the younger woman having turned over on the cushions to burrow into her boss' taller form at some point over the past little while.

Olivia's eyelids are drifting closed again in utter fatigue and stress over the events that have taken place in the past few weeks and during the night, thinking that a few more minutes of sleep will do her some good, when she suddenly realizes where one of her hands is located, her eyes instantly flying open again in alarm. One of her arms is pinned underneath Amanda's prone body on the couch and the other has somehow snaked its way beneath the hem of the detective's pajama shirt and is resting against heated bare skin that feels like satin to the touch, Olivia's fingers flexing against Amanda's spine before she can stop herself, the stiffness of the joints causing a muffled grunt to emit from her mouth.

She is horrified by what she has unknowingly done in her sleep, especially in light of everything that has recently occurred with Patton and the heartbreaking revelation of Amanda's self harm, as well as the younger woman's fear of certain parts of her body being exposed or touched, and tries to ease her hand out from beneath the flannel garment as carefully as possible, praying that Amanda won't awaken in the process. As Olivia slowly slides her hand free of the other woman's clothing, her fingers graze across a raised jagged line that runs the length of the lower portion of her spine, and she frowns in perplexity, remembering the scars on Amanda's hip that she had discovered the day before and wondering why the same marks seem to be on the younger woman's back.

All Olivia can think of is the small detective reaching awkwardly behind herself to inflict these nasty wounds but it had been too difficult to reach properly so they had veered off in different directions, and she is extremely puzzled by the location of them, her fingertips rubbing gently over the scratches as if to soothe a pain that goes much deeper than what is visible on Amanda's skin. Her heart is in her throat when she feels the other woman stirring against her and hastily removes her hand before the detective is fully coherent, but the stiffening of Amanda's body indicates that Olivia had not been quick enough in her action, and her tongue is tripping over itself as she scrambles to apologize for the accidental inappropriate behavior, her body seemingly taking on a life of its own during slumber.

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," she whispers tenderly into Amanda's ear, stroking back a tuft of mussed blonde hair as sleepy blue eyes peer up at her with a mixture of trepidation and confusion. "I didn't mean to touch you without your permission. We seem to have changed positions while we were sleeping."

Amanda nods slowly in response as she bites down hard on her lower lip, and Olivia can see it in her expression; that urge to fling herself off the couch and flee the living room, and she tightens her hold around the suddenly squirming body in her arms, but just enough so that Amanda will stop and listen while still giving her enough room to vacate the premise if that is what she chooses to do.

"Please don't run away from me away, honey," she urges softly, brown eyes boring intently into blue as they gaze at one another in the early morning light, Olivia's thoughts running in tormented circles as she imagines an intricate web of uneven scars that reside beneath the other woman's clothing. "Please just talk to me, okay? I need to know exactly what is going on here, Amanda. Why are the same marks that are on your hip also located on your back? I'm having some trouble understanding things and I need you to explain them to me."

"Sometimes Patton was gentle," Amanda whispers after a lengthy pause, her eyes dropping down to focus on her own pajama shirt and she picks distractedly at a loose thread on the material, Olivia frowning again at the curious reply. "Those times were the worst. It was actually better when he showed up drunk and the alcohol made him violent. When he wasn't drinking..." Her voice trails off for a moment and she sucks in a shuddering breath. "It was almost like we were in a relationship with each other; like we were dating, or at least that's how he chose to interpret what he was doing to me. He liked it that way and would always promise that he would stop drinking so he could be more tender with me, a proper Southern gentleman. He would trail his fingers up and down my spine afterwards, walking them back and forth like he was being playful...like it was some post-sexual glow or something, like he was just lightly teasing me and I was supposed to be amused."

Amanda's voice is choking up as she speaks and she twists abruptly away from Olivia so that her back is turned once again and pressed up against Olivia's chest. "I never knew what I was walking into; which version of him would be waiting for me, the nasty or the soft, but he was always demanding, no matter what kind of a mood he was in. At the beginning, when everything first started, I used to think that the violent, boozy version of him was the worst because he was so rough and terrifying and he kept saying that I wasn't as pretty as he had originally thought but that he would have to make do. But I soon came to realize that the gentle version was so much worse because..."

Amanda has fallen silent again and Olivia glances over a shaking shoulder to get a look at the younger woman's expression, her heart shattering completely to pieces because her friend has just confirmed beyond a shadow of a doubt that it had happened more than once with Patton; most likely several times, but the detective's face is pressing hard into the pillow now and a rumpled mess of blonde hair is obscuring her features.

"Why was it worse when he was gentle?" Olivia prods softly, stroking a soothing hand up and down the other woman's arm. "How many times did this happen, sweetheart? Is that when you started hurting yourself? When Patton began forcing you to do these things with him against your will? Why did it go beyond that first time in the motel room? How long did this go on for?"

There is dead quiet in the room now and Olivia sucks her lower lip into her mouth, realizing that she has gone too far with the personal questions and needs to back off so Amanda doesn't become overwhelmed; that it would be better to just focus on one topic at a time. There is a growing anxiety simmering just below the surface, though; the knowledge that time is of the essence here as she has discovered more of the same wounds on the small body in front of her and that it is absolutely essential to get Amanda some help before this situation spirals any further out of control than it already has.

"I'm sorry, Olivia," Amanda finally murmurs after several minutes of uncomfortable silence has passed between them, the younger woman's voice muffled as she speaks, her face still buried in the pillow. "I'm sorry for the way I've been treating you since I got back from Costa Rica; for snapping at you in your office yesterday and for the way I spoke to you during the night. It was uncalled for and I shouldn't have done it."

"You have nothing to apologize for, honey," Olivia assures her softly, not wanting to veer away from the current topic of conversation, as she knows that Amanda is a master of avoidance when she doesn't want to deal with something and is sensing that this is her way of ending the discussion, still feeling a hint of guilt that her own nightmare had played such a big part in the other woman's distress. "I know you've been going through a lot lately."

"I think it would be a good idea to just get up and get on with our day here," Amanda continues in a low tone as she struggles to sit upright on the couch in the cocoon of blankets that are tangled around their joined bodies. "We need to start getting ready for work and my track record for being on time since getting back from the retreat is already shot to hell since we were late yesterday."

"Amanda, you can't be serious," Olivia replies in shock, scrambling to sit up on the couch beside her colleague and grabbing onto her arm when Amanda makes a move to get to her feet. "We need to talk about what's been happening here. Quite frankly, I don't think you should even be working at all until we can figure out the best way to proceed."

"The best way to proceed is to just carry on with things the way they are," Amanda snaps in annoyance, yanking her arm away from her superior's grasp and practically tripping over Frannie on the floor as she surges to her feet.

"Carry on with things the way they are?" Olivia repeats in disbelief, hurriedly standing up beside the other woman and taking in the trembling form next to her, Amanda looking diminutive and miserable in pajamas that are too big for her small frame, blonde hair sticking out in a golden halo around her head, big blue eyes silently pleading for Olivia to just leave this alone. "So I should just carry on with things like I normally would, even though you're having non-stop flashbacks and nightmares and are doing terrible things to yourself in private?"

The next harsh sentences are out of her mouth before she can stop them, and she winces with guilt and regret at her poor choice of words. "If you were standing here without clothes on right now; if you were completely naked, what would I see, Amanda? How many of those marks are on your body? How many of them are fresh?"

Amanda turns away from her with a stricken expression on her face, Olivia's hand coming up to cover her mouth as she watches the other woman engage in the same pattern of heartbreaking behavior that she is beginning to get used to now, one arm sliding across her breasts and the other drifting down between her legs as if to protect herself. Before the detective can complete the action, though, Olivia is stepping forward and gathering Amanda into her tight embrace, feeling the younger woman struggle against her for a moment until Amanda sags into her body and her arms wind shakily around Olivia's neck, pale face pushing roughly into her shoulder.

"I can control myself, Liv." The choked up voice of her friend is muffled against the material of Olivia's pajama shirt, and she has to blink back a sudden onslaught of tears at what this woman who means more to her than anyone on this earth is having to endure, even years after Patton had stopped physically hurting her. "I can make myself stop doing it. I've done it before. It only gets bad when things aren't going well; when something happens. But now that I'm back from my retreat and Patton is gone, it'll stop, I promise."

"Oh, Amanda." There are tears dripping off Olivia's cheeks to create a dampness in the golden hair laying against her shoulder, and she tightens her hold around the small detective, the myriad of emotions bubbling up inside of her stunning in their intensity, her primary thought being the need to protect this fragile being snuggled into her chest, a woman she loves beyond measure; a love that has transitioned from that of a deep friendship to something much more, a love that she doesn't dare voice aloud just yet, not while Amanda is in such an agonizing amount of personal turmoil.

"Sweetheart, if you won't accept help, I might be forced to take matter into my own hands here," Olivia says quietly but firmly, the thought of making Amanda do anything else against her will tearing her heart to shreds but not seeing a choice in the matter when it comes to the other woman's physical safety, feeling the detective stiffen instantly in her arms and try to pull away.

"Liv, I can stop, I swear," Amanda insists again, wide blue eyes that hold an unfathomable amount of pain fixed pleadingly on her now. "I've done it before and I can do it again."

"How many times have you gone through this cycle, honey?" Olivia questions softly, willing the remainder of her tears to stay hovering at the edges of her lashes and not keep trailing wet pathways down her sleep-flushed cheeks. "How many times have you started and stopped? How long has this been going on for? Did it start because of what happened with Patton?" There is a nagging thought hovering at the back of her brain, remembering that Amanda had said she wasn't as pretty as Patton had expected her to be but that he would have to make do, and she frowns at the implications of that statement, her profound sense of alarm only growing stronger as she gulps hard before speaking again. "Or did it start before that?"

Amanda is staring intently at her, the apprehensive silence stretching out between them in the dimness of the early morning light and hanging heavily in the air like a physical weight, the other woman finally giving a small shrug of her shoulders as her gaze drops down to fix upon the floor with an intense amount of shame, her voice coming out in a ragged whisper.

"It started long before I was ever introduced to Charles Patton."


	6. Chapter 6

**I want to try and update this story with more regularity from now on, so people don't start losing interest, so I will be trying to get chapter 7 posted in a much more timely fashion. I'm hoping that will be easy to do, since I already have enough material for both the next chapter and the one after that.**

 ** _I know I've said this at the beginning of almost every chapter so far, but I want to reiterate that this story deals with the aftermath of rape and violence, as well as self-harm, so this storyline might be disturbing to some readers. Please proceed with caution if any of these subjects matters are a trigger for you_.**

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Amanda is sitting at her desk in the squad room, both feet tapping out a restless rhythm against the tiled floor as she works, and one finger repeatedly twirling around a stray strand of golden hair that has come loose from her ponytail. Her eyes are fixed firmly on the computer screen in front of her but every so often her gaze drifts over to the window of Olivia's office and locks onto those serious dark orbs that always seem to be looking right back at her, the corner of the older woman's lip lifting up in a tiny smile of concerned acknowledgment every time their eyes meet. Amanda gives the briefest of smiles in return and resolves to stop glancing over at the brunette as they work diligently on their newest case; as well as the one from yesterday that had involved the stoned teenage boy kneeing her very hard in the stomach before plummeting down the high school stairs in his thoroughly drugged state.

Her stomach throbs even now as she thinks of the stupid little shit who is currently lying in a hospital bed as he recovers from the emergency surgery that had been necessary to repair the bones in his badly broken leg, which are now being held together by several plates and screws. She refuses to let on that she is still in a moderate amount of pain from the injury, a smattering of blue and purple bruises having formed a very colorful palette across her stomach that she had carefully examined in the bathroom mirror that morning, straightening up purposefully in her chair and taking a large gulp from the steaming mug of coffee that sits next to her computer.

Amanda had taken great care with getting ready for work that day, paying much closer attention to her appearance that she usually does and determined to cover up any physical signs of what has been happening in private with Olivia lately; the lack of sleep, the crying, the flashbacks, the nightmares. She had very meticulously applied a generous quantity of makeup until the dark circles beneath her eyes and the tear stains on her cheeks had all but disappeared; long blonde hair done up into a high ponytail that accentuates her prominent cheekbones and small silver hoop earrings matching the dainty silver chain around her neck. Gone are the plaid shirts and jeans that she is so fond of wearing, Amanda usually preferring to be comfortable and casual while she works, and replaced by a dark pinstriped blazer and matching dress pants with a silky white blouse underneath; the very picture of a professional woman in her thirties and not one who is rapidly unraveling at the seams and barely able to hold herself together.

Amanda does not want any of the men on their team to realize what has been going on when she is not in their presence, unable to handle having her personal life put on full display for the entire squad to pick apart; those pitying looks thrown her way that she absolutely can't stand and the heart-to-heart talks that will be sure to follow. It is more than enough that Olivia is now aware of Amanda's self-harm habit, including the location of some of her scars and that it had begun long before she had met Charles Patton in Atlanta; and the last thing she needs is for the rest of her co-workers to come to the same discovery.

Amanda had been flooded by an overwhelming sense of relief when the tense discussion with her sergeant had come to an abrupt halt that morning just after admitting that her tendency toward self-harm had been going on for an extended period of time; saved by the sudden ringing of Olivia's cell phone and the start of a new case, the two of them forced into a chaotic rush to make it to the hospital in a prompt fashion to interview the victim of a gang rape who had barely survived the attack and was hanging on by a thread. The young woman is thankfully still alive and they have been on the hunt for the perpetrators as well as trying to tie up the loose ends from the previous day's case, and Amanda's fear that Olivia would temporarily remove her from the team due to her self-destructive habits has so far proven to be unfounded, as they are just too busy to lose a member of the squad right now.

She feels like she is walking on eggshells around her boss at the moment and privately acknowledges that the painstaking care she had taken with her appearance that morning is just as much for Olivia's benefit as it is for everyone else's, resolute in looking and acting like the consummate professional that she is and making sure the older woman knows she can be trusted and that Amanda is really and truly well enough to work, despite what has been going on lately. She figures that she will be inundated with more questions and requests from the brunette later on in the day when they are alone again; Olivia wanting to know more about Patton and the terrible things she does to herself in private and why it had all started in the first place, as well as urging her again to seek some form of therapy even though Amanda has never had much luck in that area in the past, speaking to a counselor proving to be very unhelpful with the intricacies of her multiple issues.

The repetitive tapping motion of Amanda's feet against the floor grows even louder as her thoughts are now fixed firmly upon Olivia while she stares blankly at the computer screen in front of her, the feelings she has for the other woman so intense and all-consuming and more conflicting than anything else she has ever had to deal with in her life, that they have left her head spinning in a whirlwind of confusion. On the one hand, Amanda feels like her sergeant is getting entirely too close for comfort and has a desperate urge to pull away and be as free of the brunette as she possibly can; all of her secrets laid terrifying bare before Olivia's probing gaze. But on the other hand, all she can think about is that slow and tender kiss they had shared during the night and seeing Olivia without a shirt on at the most inopportune of times, the brunette's gorgeous tanned body seeming to glimmer in the moonlight that had shined into the apartment from the large living room windows and setting her partially nude form aglow.

"If you don't stop with that incessant tapping, I'm gonna come over there and step on your feet," Fin growls out in warning, the sudden sound of her partner's voice startling Amanda and yanking her from the reverie she has become lost in. "Do you know how hard it is to work with that kind of obnoxious noise?"

She is about to murmur an apology to the older man who is glaring across the desk at her with one eyebrow raised in annoyance and a hint of concern evident in his expression, when she watches his eyes roll up into his head in a gesture of exasperation. "And speaking of obnoxious..."

His voice trails off as Amaro and Carisi come trudging back into the squad room after being out in the field for the past few hours, shaking fluffy flakes of snow off their jackets and stomping slush from the soles of their boots as they converse about their latest case. Amanda covers her mouth to hide a smirk, as she knows that Fin barely tolerates the newest member of their team and doesn't have a whole lot of patience for Amaro either, her partner seeming to get along much better with the female members of his squad than he does with the males.

"Well, the two of you have been gone for an awfully long time," the oldest member of their team observes with the just the slightest hint of reproach in his tone as he leans back in his desk chair and braces his hands behind his head, crossing one leg over the other. "Did you stop off for some coffee and donuts while you were out?"

"Well, as a matter of fact, we did-" Carisi starts to reply, before he is met with a firm elbow in the ribs by Amaro, the dark-haired man throwing his blonde counterpart a cautioning glance.

"We stopped off very briefly for something to eat when it became obvious that we were going to have to stay out on the streets for much longer than we originally thought," Amaro interjects with practiced ease as he and Carisi remove their coats and sit down at their desks, both men scrubbing their hands over their faces in exhaustion. "We were led on a goddamn wild goose chase out there, you wouldn't believe it. So there was this one guy-"

"So you had time to stop off for coffee and donuts during this goddamn wild goose chase?" Fin interrupts mid-sentence with a slightly raised eyebrow, the male members of the squad apparently deciding to take turns cutting each other off while they speak. "Seems like you would have been much too busy to even think about stopping somewhere for food or drink during such a crazy time-"

"Well, I have low blood sugar," Carisi says loudly, true to form as he breaks into the discussion and holds a hand high up in the air like he is demanding to be acknowledged as well. "Or at least I _think_ I do, anyway. You know how you start feeling woozy all of a sudden, like you're gonna faint and fall flat on your face, if you've gone too long between meals?"

"Why doesn't it surprise me that the new guy has blood sugar issues?" Fin mutters in derision to Amanda, jerking a thumb toward Carisi who is sitting there with his shoulders hunched up to his ears and a confused expression fixed on his face in response the older man's attitude. "There's always something wrong with these news guys when they out start here. Something that we all gotta put up with even while there's important work to be done."

"Well, was there something wrong with me when I first got here?" Amaro demands as he turns on his computer and looks over at Fin in expectation, a hint of a challenge evident in his demeanor.

"Oh my god, man, don't even get me _started_ on you," Fin replies with a dramatic roll of his eyes as he glances over at Amanda again with a tiny smirk lifting one corner of his mouth, and she has to stop the chuckle that is about to burst forth from her lips, aware that he likes to bust the other guys' balls from time to time and is likely doing it for her own amusement, to help distract from all of the upheaval that she has been going through lately.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Amaro snaps in irritation, both hands now planted flat on his desk with his fingers splayed out to the sides like he is about to get back to his feet and march right over to his colleague's desk.

"Just cool it there, buddy," Fin says calmly, waving a flippant hand in the air like he couldn't be bothered continuing on with this line of conversation, Amaro sighing harshly in response.

"Okay, well, if there was something wrong with each and every one of us when we first started here, then what was wrong with her when she transferred from Atlanta?" he asks with a trace of smugness in his tone as he points a finger directly at Amanda, like he is waiting for Fin's scandalous confessions of his partner's nefarious misdeeds when she had first arrived in New York three and half years prior.

"Absolutely nothing. She was just perfect," the older man replies smoothly, without missing a beat, shrugging his shoulders like it is a moot point no longer baring further discussion, and Amaro lets out a loud guffaw in response.

"Oh, yeah, right!" he snarks with a half-laugh as he gets to his feet with his arms crossed over his chest and fixes Amanda with skeptical gaze. "I know this woman very well by now, and Little Miss Perfect, she is not."

Amanda just sits there casually leaning back in her chair with a serene smile playing on her lips, enjoying the banter and distraction from all of the horror she has had to put up with over the past several weeks, aware that Fin is lying right through his teeth but that her partner is nothing if not incredibly loyal, reminded that he had found out pretty quickly into their partnership that Amanda was indeed very _far_ from perfect.

They share a fond smile with each other while Amaro pouts in front of his desk like a disgruntled child and Carisi pipes back up again, apparently deciding that he wants to be included in the conversation once more. "You know, I can see that," he offers eagerly, and Amanda resists the urge to roll her eyes at his enthusiastic tone as his bright-eyed gaze drifts over to fix upon her. "Rollins looks pretty damn near perfect from where I'm sitting."

"Aww, knock it off, man," Fin huffs in irritation, shooting Amanda an exasperated look and turning back to his pile of work. "I'm the only one in this room who's allowed to call her perfect."

"Yeah, Carisi, shut it," she hears Amaro mutter under her breath with what sounds like a hint of jealously in his tone, and she actually finds herself feeling relieved when Olivia appears at the door of her office with a no-nonsense look on her face, her body language indicating that she is not impressed with the current discussion, likely because it does not involve any of their open cases.

"If the four of you are finished with your little group gossip session out here, Amaro and Carisi, I'd like you to bring the rest of us up to speed on your findings out in the field," Olivia snaps out in a stern tone that has them all straightening up in their chairs right away, Amanda watching as the other woman glances briefly at her with an unreadable expression fixed on her features now and wondering which parts of the conversation the brunette had overheard.

She is pretty sure Olivia is aware that both of the younger men in their group have feelings for Amanda that are less of the co-worker and friendship variety and are leaning more towards the romantic, although Carisi's silly flirtations come off as nothing more than a little crush, as he is still so new to the squad and just getting to know everyone and had been happy to find out that he and Amanda were born in the same year, someone his own age to work with. She gets a different vibe from Amaro, however, her fellow detective starting at the precinct the week after she had and the two of them learning the ropes together as the brand new members of the team, sensing some deeper feelings from the older man that go beyond that of a small crush.

The only thing Amanda feels about the situations with both men is a slight flattery and vague annoyance from time to time when they like to tease and banter with her, but knows that it is entirely harmless and gives it right back to both of them with her own brand of humor, privately acknowledging how shocked and ridiculous the two of them would feel if they knew that she was head over heels in love with their boss and that neither one of them will ever have a chance in hell with her. The depth of feeling she has for Olivia is not something that she often admits to herself, their relationship so up and down and back and forth that sometimes she is not quite sure where exactly she stands with the other woman, these intense emotions that she has never had for anyone else in her life frightening and confusing to her to point of silence.

As Amanda watches Amaro and Carisi explain what had happened out in the field that morning, she watches Olivia intently as the older woman listens to her subordinates and interjects her own thoughts or questions from time to time, studying the brunette's beautiful profile as she is turned partly away from Amanda. They have been very careful with each other for the majority of the day so far, even though she can tell that Olivia is very eager to speak to her again, her superior obviously trying her best to act much more professionally toward her by not bringing up anything to do with Amanda's personal life in those odd moments when they have been alone, as well as not referring to her by any of the pet names that she had continually slipped out with the day before.

For her own part, Amanda is doing her absolute best to fly under the radar with not only Olivia but every single member of her squad as well; as if all of the dramatics with Patton and then immediately having to go away on a yoga retreat to try and preserve her sanity wasn't bringing enough negative attention to herself, but her first day back at the precinct yesterday had been an absolute disaster, starting out with the terrifying flashback of Patton in the bathtub that had necessitated both she and her boss being late upon her return to work, and ending with the injury she had sustained at the high school, not quick enough to get the jump on that drugged-up little shit before he had gotten to her first.

Amanda realizes that as her thoughts have become fixated on the teenager who had inflicted the injury upon her the day before, her hand has drifted down to rest lightly against her stomach before beginning to rub small circles in an effort to ease the dull throbbing ache that remains. When she glances back up at her co-workers who are still deep in conversation about the gang rape that had taken place during the night, she notices Olivia is staring straight at her with a concerned, questioning look on her face, the brunette's head titled slightly to the side as she appraises her detective.

Amanda bites down hard on the inside of her cheek as she casually removes her hand from her stomach and lets it come to rest against her desk again, not wanting this to be yet another topic of discussion that Olivia is going to grab ahold of and not let go. Her worry seems to prove entirely valid when they break for lunch a few minutes later and the older woman is gesturing with a firm hand for Amanda to come and join her in the office. She gets to her feet with a barely stifled sigh, glad that the guys are now engaged in their previous argument about Carisi needing to stop for coffee and donuts while out in the field, and are not paying the least bit of attention to the fact that she is being called into their boss' office just like she had the day before.

"Hey," Olivia says softly when Amanda has entered the room and the door has been closed behind her, affording the two women some small semblance of privacy for the time being. "Since we're on a break now, I just wanted to take a minute to see how you've been doing so far today. It looks like you're still having some stomach pain," she adds gently, gesturing down toward Amanda's mid-section, her arm unknowingly banding itself across her abdomen as if in protection from her sergeant's possible touch.

"I'm not going to urge to you seek medical attention again," Olivia informs her quietly, raising both hands slightly in the air before lowering them back down to her sides. "I just wanted to make sure you're doing okay." There is a short pause that is heavy with feeling before the brunette continues. "Have you experienced any more flashbacks since we've come to work, or...anything else...that I should be aware of?"

"No," Amanda replies stiffly, and that is the absolute truth. There have been no flashbacks of any kind since entering the precinct that morning, and she always saves that particular habit that she indulges in quite often for when she is alone at home, or at least when she is locked away in the privacy of her bathroom and not subject to Olivia's prying eyes or questions. "The pain isn't bad at all and certainly nothing that I can't handle. And the flashbacks and other...stuff...have been fine too. Nothing to worry about, Liv. It's just a regular day at work, right?"

"Amanda..." Olivia's soft voice trials off as they gaze intently at one another across the desk, her superior reaching into a large bag to produce a salad and a bottle of water but laying the meal there in front of her without touching it further. "I know you're very worried about everything that has been happening lately, as am I, but I want to assure you that I'm not going to keep bringing up certain topics of discussion at work, unless I think I need to do so. That being said, we have a lot to talk about when we leave the precinct today. There are some things I want to ask you-"

"You know what, Olivia, I'm just going to stop you right there, okay?" Amanda cuts in swiftly, holding up a hand to ward off any further attempts at a conversation that she does not want any part of. "I think it would be best if we just went our separate ways when work is done for the day. I need some time to process everything that has been going on lately, and I need to do it alone."

Her words are firm and to the point, trying to politely convey that she does wish to start an argument on the subject but only wants to carry on with her day as if nothing is amiss and it's just another normal week at the precinct, bogged down with the usual horrific cases and joining in with the customary bantering and teasing with her colleagues, which they use to distract themselves on a regular basis from the more sickening aspects of their jobs. Amanda's heart clenches painfully inside her chest when she sees the somewhat stricken look on Olivia's face before the older woman's features smooth out into that calm and composed mask she uses to hide her true feelings and emotions.

"I just thought it would be best if we spent the night together again, like we usually do, so we can have a chat about some of the things that have been going on lately," Olivia says in a very measured tone that trembles the tiniest bit only once while she speaks. "I care about you, Amanda; so much. And I just want you to feel safe and secure and lo..."

Olivia trails off abruptly again, and Amanda stares curiously at the other woman, wondering what she had been about to say, her heart aching as she watches her boss try to cover up that vulnerable side of her personality that Amanda is only privy to when they are by themselves, her mind flashing back to the terror and pain that Olivia had experienced during the night, a hint of doubt creeping in about going to their separate apartments for the night. But she is resolute in trying to move forward without continuing to fall apart at the seams; at picking up the broken pieces of her life like the strong and capable woman she knows is hiding underneath this mess she has become, and to do that, she needs no distractions from either her own issues or Olivia's, choosing to bury everything that has risen up to the surface instead of continuing to examine each and every excruciating detail with microscopic intensity.

"I'll be okay by myself, Olivia," Amanda says sternly, trying to convey a bravery that she is not sure she feels, but needing to do this for herself. "And you will be too. I think we could both use some time apart right now to deal with things on our own." She swallows down a sudden knot in her throat, feeling a sharp spike of guilt for what she is about to say. "You need to remember that we don't actually live together, Olivia. We have separate homes and separate lives. It's not like we're in a relationship or something, we're just friends."

She is met by complete and utter silence after this somewhat harsh statement, especially considering the less-than-friendly kiss they had shared during the night and the overwhelming feelings she has for her superior, and Amanda shifts awkwardly from foot to foot as she waits for Olivia's response, sure she can detect the slight sheen of tears in the brunette's dark eyes before they disappear with a rapid blink, and she finds herself suddenly having to keep her own tears at bay. The last thing she wants to do is hurt Olivia, a woman she loves with her whole heart and would do absolutely anything for when it comes to the older woman's own issues and demons, but what has been happening between them since she had arrived home from Costa Rica has been too much for her to handle; everything coming at her all at once and each of her most closely guarded secrets being revealed one right after the other.

Amanda is determined to spend at least one night away from Olivia to prove to herself that she is indeed okay and she can do this; that she is capable of moving on from the catastrophic consequences of Patton's sudden reappearance in her life and can swiftly scoop up the broken pieces of herself and put them back together, one by one. The embarrassment and shame that have been coursing steadily inside of her since Olivia had found the scars on her hip and back are playing a large part in needing to be alone for the time being, desperate to put some distance between herself and the woman who bears a multitude of her own jagged and crisscrossing scars but whose wounds were not put there by her own hand.

"Well, if that's what you really want, Amanda, I guess I will have to respect your choice," Olivia finally says in a voice so low that it is nearly inaudible, the other woman opening the lid of her water bottle with more force than is necessary and causing some of the liquid to slosh over the rim and onto her desk. "But I need you to know that I'm still considering what has to be done here, in light of what I've found out recently. We are completely swamped at the precinct right now, as you know, and we need all hands on deck to get through these cases but that doesn't mean I won't hesitate to put you on immediate leave again if I think I have necessary cause to do so. Are you perfectly clear on that?"

"Copy that, sergeant," Amanda replies in a brittle tone, a blush of anger and mortification and fear for the future heating her pale cheeks. "Look, are we done here? I'm starving and I'd like some time to actually eat my lunch before we have to get back to our huge pile of work."

"Yes, we're done." Olivia's voice is equally sharp, not betraying a single trace of deeper emotion now, the older woman flapping a hand at her before pointing toward the office door. "You're dismissed, Rollins."

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Later that evening when Amanda has been alone in her apartment for quite some time with just Frannie for company and the sun had set several hours before, leaving her in a quiet dimness that she tries to assuage by turning on some lamps and playing a comedy channel on TV, she is beginning to regret her decision of not allowing Olivia to come over for the night. She had cooked a large meal for herself upon her arrival home from work, comfort food that her mama would sometimes make for the family while she was growing up in Georgia, and had dragged her tired body back outside into the chilly winter air to take a very restless Frannie for a walk around the block. But there is an uneasiness that seems to permeate the air around her and a minute quivering that has taken up residence in her limbs, not even able to feel completely calm and safe in her own home, the urge to do something self-destructive hovering at the back of her mind and dancing enticingly through her thoughts no matter how much she tries to tamp it down.

When the exhaustion of the day has begun to take its heavy toll on her and Amanda is fighting to keep her eyes open, she decides that she will make a supreme effort to fall asleep and get a good night's rest, despite the demons she knows will be awaiting her in the nightmares that haunt her every time she closes her eyes, Charles Patton starring in her dreams and occasionally joined by William Lewis; two of the three worst monsters she has ever known conspiring with each other to torment her while she sleeps.

Amanda is in the process of slipping off the sweatshirt and yoga pants she had changed into when work was done for the day, very grateful to be out of the fancier clothes she had worn so proudly to the precinct in an effort to present a sleek and strong appearance to the outside world, a woman who is capable of remaining unperturbed no matter what is thrown her way, and is just retrieving her pajama top from the dresser drawer when his voice is shattering the silence of her bedroom.

"Mmm, that's right, Mandy, take it off for me, darlin', take it all off. Because you know I'll do it myself if you don't."

A wave of bile immediately rushes up Amanda's throat at the deep Southern drawl crooning right into her ear, the dinner she had eaten earlier that evening threatening to make a gruesome reappearance when she is sure that she can feel Patton's hot and smoky breath upon her neck. "Get out of here," she whimpers pleadingly, her hands falling away from the drawer and coming up to cover her ears, standing there in nothing but her white cotton bra and matching panties, her knees knocking together in fright and revulsion.

"That's not good enough and you know it, Miss Rollins." The polite tone that Patton had never failed to use with her in the past, no matter what was occurring between them; whatever humiliating words were coming out of his mouth and which degrading sexual acts she was expected to preform and even when he would become violent, is like the smoothest of silk in her ear, and Amanda has to swallow down the impending vomit while forcing herself not to gag in response.

"Everything comes off when we're together, Mandy. Every last stitch of clothing. And I don't think you need to be reminded of that after all this time. You know you need to give good 'ole Charlie exactly what he wants, sweetheart." His voice lowers down to a menacing growl that causes a shudder of terror to run from head to toe. "And what I want is _you_."

Amanda stifles a sharp cry as she listens to Patton speak, fumbling blindly around on top of the dresser for her cell phone that she had left there after work, wanting it out of her sight and hearing for the evening, figuring Olivia would be tempted to message her to see how she was doing. The regret she feels for not allowing the other woman into her personal space that night is at an all-time high now, absolutely desperate for the brunette to appears in front of her to banish this demon from her mind and needing those strong and safe arms wrapped around her violently quaking body.

Frannie is dancing in anxious confusion around Amanda's feet as she finally locates the phone and cracks one eye open to see the screen, the canine seemingly perplexed about who she is currently conversing with as she carries on a discussion with a man who is not physically present. When Amanda feels a light touch against her bare back, thick male fingers skimming in a gentle and sickening caress down her heavily scarred spine, she is barely able to contain a petrified shriek, remembering with acute clarity the way Patton would stroke that huge hand up and down her body when they had finished one of their degrading sexual acts, like he was soothing them both down from the blissful high they had shared together, apparently under the impression that they were lovers instead of one of them forcing the other to engage in horrendous sexual acts against their will.

Amanda pauses briefly while her thumb skims down the phone screen in a desperate search for the name she longs to see most, her eyes straying momentarily toward the open bathroom door and the object in the tub that she knows awaits her eager hand; the razor that will obliterate these deeply shameful and unwelcome thoughts and put them out of her brain for the time being, at least temporarily placating her.

" _Fuck_ ," she mutters vehemently under her breath when Olivia's beautiful image comes to mind, inhaling a shuddering gasp of air and resolutely remaining rooted to her spot on the floor, determined not to take one step toward that bathroom.

"Yeah, that's right, I'll fuck you good and hard, Mandy," Patton is murmuring right into her ear when she hears Olivia pick up the phone with a surprised and concerned hello, and for a moment Amanda is unable to differentiate one voice from another, the two of them blending together in a confusing mix of sound; the voice she loves above all else and the one she most despises.

"L-liv," she manages to choke out in a garbled tone that is barely coherent, sinking down onto her knees as her legs are no longer able to support her wildly shaking frame, trying to ignore the vicious male laughter in response to her action and concentrate solely on Olivia's voice.

"Well, it's nice of you to get down on your knees all by yourself, without any prompting from me, Miss Rollins," Patton chuckles darkly, Amanda's eyes still squeezed tightly shut but sure that she can hear him walking in a slow circle around her shivering body, as if appraising the goods and deciding he likes what he sees, flinching violently when she feels the scrape of a jean-clad leg against her bare shoulder. "Aren't you such a good girl for getting right into my favorite position without being asked first. And you know that good girls are always rewarded for their behavior. See how much better it is when you don't fight me on these things and just initiate them on your own?"

There is another harsh laugh that comes from above, the noise so loud that it is drowning out the frantic tone of Olivia's voice right in her ear, Amanda convinced that she can hear the sharp sound of a zipper being yanked down. "Now open your mouth for a little taste, Mandy."

"Olivia!" she cries out desperately into the phone, curling up into the tiniest ball that she possibly can on the cold hard floor, aware that Frannie has stopped with her panicked pacing and is settling down right beside her in an apparent attempt to keep her owner warm and protected.

"Amanda, I don't know what's going on, but I'm coming over right now, okay? I'm on my way, honey. Just hold on for me, alright?" Olivia's soothing voice is like the sweetest of honey in her ear, a balm to her soul as the maniacal laughter of her former deputy chief continues to ring throughout the dimly lit bedroom.

"Liv, I need you, please hurry!" she sobs hysterically into the phone, unable to ascertain what Olivia says in response because the sound of her own terror and the continuous brutal snickering above her is so all-consuming that it is obliterating nearly everything else, Amanda muffling a sudden scream when she feels a rough hand clamp down forcefully onto her bare shoulder.

"No, no, leave me alone!" she begs brokenly, the phone falling away from her ear as she crawls clumsily on wobbling hands and knees that are barely keeping her upright and collapses onto the floor beside the bed, stifling a horrified wail when she hears Patton whisper that she is right where he wants her.

Amanda doesn't know how long she remains there on the chilly hard tiles, curled as tightly into herself as possible and whimpering intermittently while she waits for Olivia to arrive and for Patton to leave her alone, the relief she feels at the sound of her apartment door banging open and the voice of the woman she loves calling frantically to her from down the hallway causing a grateful sob to fall from her open mouth.

"Amanda! Answer me, sweetheart! Are you okay?"

Olivia's footsteps are pounding swiftly toward her bedroom and it is not until the very last second that Amanda realizes exactly what is happening here; that she is lying on the floor in only her skimpy bra and panties and that some her self-inflicted wounds are about to be on full display for the older woman to see. Her heart is in her throat as she summons her very last ounce of strength to spring up to her feet and hit the light switch on the wall, plunging the room into near darkness just as Olivia's shadowy form appears in the doorway, Frannie jumping up onto the brunette's body with a loud whine of alarm, the moonlight that is trickling in through the window barely illuminating the other woman's frame as Amanda collapses back onto the floor in a quivering heap.

"Oh my god! Amanda! Talk to me, honey. What happened? What's going on?"

She is aware of Olivia crouching down beside her now, the sergeant's hands just barely skimming over the surface of her mostly naked form in a likely attempt to make sure she has not injured herself, but careful not to fully touch her in the emotional state she is currently in.

" _Olivia."_ Her superior's name is wrenched from between parted lips on a ragged moan of distress and despair, and despite Amanda's lack of clothing and the fact that some of her scars, as well as the bruises that had been inflicted upon her the day before, are now being completely exposed even while trying to hide under the cover of darkness, she winds her arms sloppily around the older woman's neck and presses her body as close as she can into the warm and safe embrace of the figure in front of her.

"I'm here, sweetheart, I'm here." There is the gentle caress of soft fingers dragging themselves lightly through her unruly blonde hair now, Olivia's arm wrapping firmly around her waist and pulling Amanda into the safety of her lap, each one of her bare limbs folded up tightly against the brunette's chest. "What's wrong? Tell me what's going on, honey. What can I do?"

"Help me!" Amanda cries out in utter agony, beyond caring that she has done everything she can to keep the other woman at bay and holding onto Olivia like she is intending on never letting go, her face pressing hard into her sergeant's neck as she begs and pleads for the support that she has continually pushed away.

"Just help me, Liv, _please_."


	7. Chapter 7

**This chapter picks up directly from where the previous one left off, with Amanda begging Olivia to help her. Trigger warnings for mentions of rape and self-harm.**

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"Okay, sweetheart, I'll help you in any way that I can," Olivia promises in a voice that is choked with deep emotion as she sits on the hard tiles of the floor and rocks Amanda gently in her lap, both immensely relieved and utterly terrified at the dramatic scene that is currently playing out in the younger woman's bedroom.

Although a part of her is ecstatic that Amanda is finally asking for help in dealing with the multitude of issues that are plaguing her and rapidly spiraling out of control, and has actually chosen to reach out in her time of need, the blonde detective is a distraught mess as she curls herself more tightly into Olivia's embrace, shaking and moaning and alternately pleading for her sergeant's help while begging her former deputy chief to stop hurting her. Olivia pulls the small form impossibly closer into her body, trying to infuse the shuddering figure with warmth and reassurance and love as she briskly rubs a hand up and down one bare, goosebumped arm, while stroking back a tangle of damp blonde hair with the other.

She feels like she has spent the entire day on an emotional roller coaster that has consisted of many more lows than highs, starting with the horrific dreams both she and Amanda had experienced in the middle of the night, and only getting worse from there. After an extremely challenging day at the precinct, both personally and professionally, she had exited the building by herself in the early evening darkness without plans to meet Amanda back at her apartment, feeling bereft and empty at the thought of being without her for so many hours, and horrified to find herself on the verge of tears while saying goodnight to her four detectives as they had parted ways until morning. Along with the intense loneliness and despair that the situation had brought about, Olivia had been overcome with a wave of worry and trepidation so acute that she had barely been able to choke down the microwave dinner she had prepared for herself upon her arrival home.

The all-consuming fear of leaving Amanda alone to her own devices for the night after learning of the other woman's dangerous and heartbreaking habit, along with the overwhelming love for the blonde detective that has only been growing stronger by the day, had rendered Olivia entirely useless for the evening. Any plans to be productive with work or household chores had fallen by the wayside as she had slumped on the couch and stared blankly at the television screen in front her without having any idea which program was playing. Her thoughts and emotions had been on overload, inducing the urge to explode into barely-stifled hopeless sobs as she had debated either going over to Amanda's building, even though the younger woman had expressly told her not to, or at least calling her friend on the phone to see how she was doing.

The second her phone had started ringing and she had seen Amanda's name flash across the screen as if she had conjured the small detective out of thin air just by thinking about her, or the other woman had actually been reading her mind, Olivia was already on the move with the intention of leaving her apartment as quickly as possible and knowing before she even heard Amanda's voice that something was terribly wrong. The entire trip over to her colleague's place had seemed to take an eternity, Olivia's heart in her throat as her shaking hands had barely been able to grip the steering wheel due to the amount of sweat slicked across her palms, unable to get Amanda's horror-stricken tone and plaintive cries out of her head as she had driven somewhat erratically to the only place she had wanted to spend the night, beyond frightened of what she would find when she entered the younger woman's apartment.

She is aware of Amanda trying to speak to her again as they sit there entangled on the floor together with Frannie perched warily beside them and keeping a constant watch, the detective's voice garbled almost to the point of incomprehension. "I can't get him off of me, Liv. I can't get him away from me," Amanda is sobbing brokenly as small hands clutch desperately onto the front of Olivia's sweatshirt, scrabbling frantically against the soft material and trying unsuccessfully to gain purchase. "He's all over me; I can feel him inside of me. God, I'm going to be sick. Please make it stop, Liv, _please_. He's hurting me! It hurts, Olivia, it _hurts_."

"Oh my god, Amanda." Tears have welled up in Olivia's eyes and are streaming down her face in cascading rivers of anguish as she listens to Amanda's terror and despair, and feels the nearly naked body of her co-worker trembling violently on her lap, cursing herself for leaving the younger woman alone when she had known better.

"He's not here, sweetheart, I promise you that. You're having a flashback. It's just Frannie and I here in the bedroom with you, and no one else. You're safe with us, honey. Everything is okay. It's just us here; just you and me and your guard dog," she adds in a lighter tone, inclining her head toward Frannie who is indeed standing guard over both of them, furry body completely rigid and alert as if she is on the lookout for danger and prepared to put a stop to it.

"Amanda, you are absolutely freezing," Olivia murmurs worriedly into the other woman's ear as she takes in the icy cold feel of the skin on the detective's bare arms and the clammy quality of the hands that are still scrambling wildly against her shirt, like Amanda is trying to climb inside of her clothing with her. "I'm going to get you warmed up, okay? We're going to get you tucked into bed, all cozy under the covers with Frannie on one side and me on the other, alright? You'll be safe and sound right in the middle of us."

"Liv, he won't stop touching me," Amanda whimpers in confusion, her hands sliding around the back of Olivia's neck and gripping on so tightly that she is on the verge of choking her sergeant. "His hands are all over me and his tongue-" The detective's voice is cut off abruptly as she presses a hand over her mouth to stifle a gag, and Olivia's tears are flowing in earnest now, the sight of the woman she loves in such agony causing an intense physical pain to emanate from her chest and spread throughout her body.

"Okay, honey, we're going to make him stop," she soothes in a quiet tone as she tries to remain calm in the face of Amanda's prolonged flashback, shifting slightly on the floor and tightening her hold on the quivering figure in her embrace, careful about where she puts her hands as she does not want to induce an even more acute episode by touching any of the myriad of scars that she knows are scattered in various places across Amanda's body.

"We're going to get off the floor and into the bed now. I'm going to pick you up, okay, sweetheart? Keep your arms around my neck but just loosen your grip a little bit, alright?" she instructs softly, relieved when Amanda does as she is told, the tight hold that the younger woman has around her neck giving way somewhat as the detective tucks her face into Olivia's shoulder and sobs even harder.

"Don't look at me, Olivia; please don't look at me when we get up," Amanda mumbles beseechingly into her shirt. "I don't want you to see anything...I don't want you to see how ugly I am..."

"Oh, sweetheart, you are about as far from ugly as you can possibly get, do you understand me?" Olivia's voice is strained as she responds to the other woman's heartbreaking request, choosing not to mention that Amanda's physical appearance is actually the complete opposite of what she claims it to be; her beauty so stunning that it has often left her speechless. " And it's nearly pitch black in here, since you turned off the lights when I was coming down the hall. I can hardly see any part of your body, okay? I promise."

"Okay," Amanda weeps softly, in what sounds to be at least a modicum of agreement and relief.

"Alright, here we go, honey; just hold onto me." Olivia staggers to her feet as carefully as she can while adjusting the slight weight of Amanda in her arms once again, trying to find just the right balance to keep the quivering form from sliding out of her grasp and falling onto the floor in the heap that she had found her in upon arrival in the bedroom.

She gingerly places the smaller woman on the edge of the mattress with the intention of sprinting toward the dresser to dig as quickly as possible through the drawers in search of something warm for her to wear for the night, as Amanda seems to be growing colder by the second; the shuddering of her body only having intensified even further. Olivia realizes that she should have just tucked her friend right underneath the blankets instead when Amanda instantly huddles into herself, arms and legs pulling protectively toward her chest when the younger woman seems to come to the conclusion that her boss is vacating the bedroom as Olivia backs away from the bed, and she is going to be left alone with Patton.

"No, don't leave me!" Amanda gasps out in blatant panic as her hands shoot forward from the defensive fold against her chest and she lunges desperately toward Olivia, bare arms snaking themselves around her waist and a soaking wet cheek pressing hard into her stomach as she clings onto Olivia with an iron-tight grip, belying how weak with anxiety and distress she has become. "Please don't leave me with him! Don't leave me alone! Just stay here with me, Liv."

"Honey, I'm just getting you something to wear," Olivia assures her softly as she bends over Amanda's hunched form and resumes her previous position of rubbing one hand up and down a small arm while smoothing disheveled golden hair away from a face that is crumpled into a tortured expression as tears continue to leak from the large blue eyes that are staring imploringly up at her. "You're only wearing your underwear and I think you would feel much more comfortable if we got you into a nice pair of warm pajamas."

Olivia is quite wary of Amanda's current state of undress, not wanting to induce any further emotional upheaval by having the blonde detective remain in only the skimpy cotton bra and panties set when she is very aware of how sensitive the other woman has been about being seen without clothing on, knowing now that at least part of that reluctance and fear comes from having her self-inflicted wounds put on full display.

"No, just stay here with me," Amanda repeats hastily as she hangs onto Olivia's body with a strength born of desperation and terror, her chin resting against her sergeant's abdomen as she continues staring up at her with a fervor that Olivia cannot tear her own gaze away from.

"Don't you want something to wear?" she asks gently, frowning when she sees Amanda shake her head and deciding to get slowly down onto her knees so they are face to face and eye to eye now, the younger woman's arms sliding up from her waist to loop around her shoulders as Olivia adjusts her position. "No, you don't want something to wear?" she confirms carefully, watching as Amanda nods intently in response. "Well, what do you want, honey? Tell me what I can do."

"I want _you_ ," Amanda responds vehemently, their gazes boring into one another with an unwavering intensity.

"You _have_ me, sweetheart," Olivia soothes assuredly, brushing both hands repeatedly over Amanda's hair, starting at the crown of her head and sliding her fingers slowly down through the snarled strands in an effort to calm her. "I'm right here in front of you and I'm not leaving, I promise."

"No, that's not what I mean." For the first time since Olivia had arrived in the apartment, overcome with a frantic worry and urge to be with the woman she loves, the desperation fades somewhat from Amanda's tone and is replaced by a slight hesitancy, Olivia tilting her head to the side in curiosity.

"I want you to help me forget." Amanda's voice has fallen to a hushed whisper as her eyes remain locked intently onto Olivia's. "I don't want to feel his hands on my body; his skin against mine." There is a slight pause, the emotional tension in the room suddenly rising to even greater degree before she speaks again in a soft tone of reverence. "I only want yours."

"Amanda-" Now Olivia is the one who is hesitating, her previously racing heart seeming to stutter to a complete stop inside her chest with this surprising request and the complex mixture of feelings that it conjures up.

She is at once both understanding and afraid, as she herself had made a request quite similar in nature in the wee hours of the morning while being tormented by nightmares of Lewis; wanting to feel only Amanda's gentle touch instead of the monster who had tortured her for days, putting her through physical and emotional hell. At the same time, she is terrified of making Amanda feel uncomfortable or unsafe in her presence, and too ashamed to put a name to something else that she is now experiencing; this particular feeling springing up out of nowhere at the thought of being skin to skin with Amanda, at being pressed so intimately against the other woman's body in a way that would be crossing a line into brand new territory and would definitely be considered less of the friendship variety.

There is a hint of nausea creeping up Olivia's throat at this somewhat shameful acknowledgment, horrified at herself for thinking this way at the worst possible time and recognizing that was is being asked of her is going beyond just that of a light physical touch, but Amanda is still staring steadily at her with a gaze that is as clear as day now, wide blue eyes spearing into her own brown ones with an purpose that Olivia has never seen before.

"Please, Liv," Amanda breathes earnestly, reaching out to delicately cup the side of Olivia's head and running her thumb lightly back and forth across her cheekbone. "You said you wanted to make me feel safe."

"I _do_ want to make you feel safe, Amanda, but what I _don't_ want to do is initiate anything inappropriate that will end up making things even worse than they already are right now," Olivia explains as gently as she can, torn between granting Amanda's wish and continuing to try and put some physical distance between them. "I don't want to frighten you, sweetheart. You're already so scared. And quite frankly, honey, this is a complete turnaround from how you've been acting since getting home from your retreat. Amanda, you have been _terrified_ of the possibility of me seeing you without clothes on or inadvertently touching you in certain places because of the marks I've found on your body."

" _Please_ , Liv," Amanda repeats somewhat breathlessly, as if Olivia hadn't even spoken in response, and those huge blue eyes are rapidly filling with tears once again. "I _need_ you."

"I'm right here, sweetheart," Olivia murmurs tenderly, unsure of exactly how to proceed with this delicate situation as she gets off of her knees and stands upright with the intention of sliding under the covers next to Amanda, but not knowing where she should go from there.

Amanda solves that problem for her right away when she suddenly feels an icy cold hand slipping slowly beneath the hem of her sweatshirt, slim fingers splaying themselves out across the bare skin of her stomach as the other hand clutches onto the waistband of her jeans, as if Amanda is trying to anchor herself there. Olivia gasps at the shocking sensation of the chilly palm upon her warm skin, and they stand there stock-still for a moment, seemingly frozen to the spot, before Amanda is lifting the shirt high enough to rest at her mid-section, folding the material over and pressing her face lightly against Olivia's stomach, hot tears dampening heated skin that has become pebbled with goosebumps.

" _Amanda_." Olivia sucks in a sharp breath between clenched teeth, her stomach muscles bunching and quivering almost painfully when she feels the other woman's lips resting gingerly near her belly button.

"Liv, I just want to feel you against me instead of him," Amanda weeps quietly, her hands sliding from around Olivia's waist to grip onto the backs of her jean-clad thighs and pressing their bodies even closer together. "He's all I can see and hear and smell. He's everywhere; he's all over me, he's inside of me. I can't get him off of my skin. God, his hands...his fingers...his tongue..."

"Okay, sweetheart, okay," Olivia whispers fervently, reaching backwards to gently unlock Amanda's hands from around her legs and bringing them up to her lips to place soft kisses onto cold knuckles before backing away slightly. "Are you completely sure about this?"

Amanda nods wordlessly and stares up at her with those giant blue eyes that are radiating an immense amount of sadness and pleading and are still leaking tears, the thin trickle of moonlight streaming in through the bedroom window illuminating the twin tracks of moisture streaking down both cheeks, as Olivia takes another step back and keeps her gaze fixed firmly on the younger woman while grasping onto the bottom of her sweatshirt and tugging it upwards toward her head. She is simultaneously desperate to provide Amanda with the comfort she is so urgently seeking but terrified of scaring her while she is in this extremely vulnerable state, slowly unbuckling her belt and uzipping her jeans, sliding her pants over her hips and down her legs at a very leisurely pace while Amanda watches intently, giving the smaller woman plenty of time to change her mind if she so chooses.

Amanda remains utterly silent throughout this process, simply backing up further onto the bed and tucking herself under the covers while holding the blankets up in an invitation with one hand and reaching out with the other to grasp firmly onto Olivia's fingers. She stands there uncertainly for a moment with her clothing pooled at her feet, clad only in a blue satin bra that is trimmed in white lace and striped panties that don't match, her fingers linked with Amanda's and the two of them staring intensely at one another, as if wordlessly communicating what cannot be said aloud. Olivia smiles slightly and gives her hand a gentle squeeze before climbing beneath the covers next to the younger woman and stretching out across the sheets, turning onto her side on the mattress as she waits patiently for Amanda to make the next move.

The blonde detective slides very slowly across the bed until they are laying side by side, their bodies an inch apart but not yet touching, before placing a soft hand on Olivia's arm and running her fingertips lightly up and down its length. "Please hold me, Liv," she finally whispers in a voice that is choked with anguish and need, and this time Olivia doesn't hesitate before closing the gap between them, shifting forward only slightly and taking Amanda into her arms so they are pressed firmly together from shoulders to feet, pulling the blankets up around their joined forms to make sure they are both fully covered.

"I've got you, baby," Olivia murmurs soothingly into the small detective's ear and lets her lips come to rest on the crown of Amanda's head, her eyelids fluttering closed and hoping the incredible sensation of being skin to skin for the first time with the woman she loves will infuse them both with comfort and calm. "This my body next to yours, not his. And Patton's hands are not touching you; these are my hands." She lets one of her palms glide smoothly up and down Amanda's bare arm, her fingers inadvertently swiping against the other woman's back and feeling Amanda stiffen briefly in response before her body relaxes again.

"I'm sorry," Olivia says softly, pressing a lingering kiss to the blonde detective's forehead. "I know you don't like it when I touch you in certain places...the places where you have scars."

"I just don't want you to think I'm ugly," Amanda murmurs shamefully, her voice practically inaudible as she speaks while ducking her face into Olivia's neck.

"Remember when you told me that what Lewis did doesn't make me ugly?" Olivia reminds her gently, caressing a tender hand through the unruly blonde locks that are splayed out before her. "You told me that I'm still beautiful, even with these scars that will never fade and will always be with me. Well, the same thing applies here, honey."

"No, it doesn't," Amanda argues quietly, raising a pale tear-streaked face to gaze at Olivia with tormented blue eyes. "What happened with Lewis wasn't your fault, Liv. You didn't have control over what he did to you. But this is my own fault; I did this to myself. I had complete control over this and I chose to do it anyway. No one was forcing me to do something against my will. And that's what makes me ugly."

"It does _not_ make you ugly," Olivia protests softly, stroking her fingertips over a prominent damp cheekbone and needing Amanda to believe that what she is saying is the absolute truth. "But why are you doing this to yourself, honey? What happened with Patton wasn't any more your fault than what Lewis did to me was mine. So why are you torturing yourself even more? Does this help you in some way? Does it make you feel better? Is because you feel ashamed? Can you tell me more about why this is happening; about why it stared in the first place? You said it began long before you were ever introduced to Patton."

"I don't want to talk about any of this," Amanda pleads quietly, reaching up to tangle her fingers with the ones that Olivia is still smoothing over her cheek. "I just want to be close to you, Liv. I just want to forget about everything for now. _Please_."

"We need to talk about all of this, Amanda," Olivia replies with a stern urgency in her tone, gathering the younger woman closer to her beneath the blankets and noticing that Frannie has flopped down on the floor next to the bed in apparent exhaustion, furry body spread out across the tiles. "You can't just keep sweeping everything under the rug like this; you can't just continue to ignore these things and pretend they're not there, going about your regular routine like these terrifying events aren't happening. Sweetheart, right now it seems like you can't even get ready for bed without having a flashback so intense that it has you curled up into a petrified ball on the floor in your underwear. This isn't right, Amanda; this is very scary stuff and it needs to be dealt with sooner rather than later."

"Well, right now I would rather just deal with it later," the younger woman mumbles with a sigh, and Olivia feels a cold arm snaking itself around her back and fingertips dancing lightly across her spine. "I just want to be with you. I don't want these thoughts inside my head. I don't want Patton...or anyone else... in there. Only you."

"I want to be with you too," Olivia murmurs reverently, her heart rate picking up speed at this honest admission and feeling completely torn between pushing Amanda harder to speak about events that she is clearly not ready to discuss yet and just letting things be for the night, now that she is here to watch over the small detective and make sure that she safe and secure and protected from any kind of harm.

"I'm sorry I keep pushing you away," Amanda whispers sincerely, and Olivia feels a toned bare leg sliding tentatively between her own underneath the covers, so that their bodies are entwined into a more intimate knot on the mattress. "You make me feel so many things, Olivia; so many different emotions that something it's all too much and I just can't get a handle on everything. For the last couple of years, and especially lately, it's all been so... _intense_...between us. But no matter what's been happening, good or bad, I do know that you're the best friend I've ever had. I know that you're the one person who will do anything for me and that I will do anything for; the one person I cherish above all else...the only person I've ever truly lo-"

Olivia's heart is pounding out an erratic rhythm inside her chest now as Amanda abruptly cuts herself off mid-sentence and presses her body impossibly closer beneath the covers, a small hand shifting up from Olivia's bare back to caress briefly through thick dark strands of hair before one fingertip glides over a cheekbone that is still wet with tears and traces very lightly around the outside of Olivia's lips. There is complete silence in the room now after all of the noise and upheaval from earlier, and Olivia leans forward the barest amount to press a tender kiss against the digit that is so softly stroking back and forth along her mouth, Amanda continuing to draw invisible patterns with the briefest of touches before they simultaneously close the tiny remaining gap between them.

Their lips meet with a certain hesitance, a gesture that starts out very carefully and tentatively before slowly deepening bit by bit until Olivia's body is pressed flush against Amanda's and she feels a trim leg removing itself from between her own and wrapping around her waist as if in an effort to pull her ever closer, despite there no longer being even an inch of space between their bodies. They kiss gently for several minutes, their entwined forms bathed in the softly glowing moonlight that plays out over the quilt in ever-shifting designs, Olivia's mouth opening to grant Amanda access when she feels a warm tongue probing very lightly for entrance.

Their tongues glide languidly against each other, smooth and unhurried, as soft hands roam along shoulder blades and caress down trembling arms, the action meant to be one of comfort and care despite the rapidly building arousal in Olivia's system that she tries to tamp down as they soothe each other with tender kisses and touches. Her fingers accidentally graze those criss-crossing scars that line Amanda's back and she is ready to pull away with an abrupt apology before realizing that the younger woman hasn't even flinched at the contact this time, seemingly so lost in the intoxicating sensation of being with Olivia that she hadn't even realized what was happening.

She gasps into Amanda's mouth when she feels cool hands trailing across her own back, nimble fingers suddenly working at the clasp of her bra as if trying to loosen it, while the other hand comes to a halt at the waistband of Olivia's panties, roaming lightly back and forth along the edge of the material before dipping inside just the slightest amount and grazing skin that now feels as if it's in danger of busting into flames. Her body jerks uncontrollably into the blonde detective's lithe form at this unexpected contact that is on an even more intimate level than what they have already been experiencing and knowing she has to put a stop to this before it goes any further, despite the physical signs that indicate the need to keep going; the rapid heart rate, the beads of sweat that have broken out along the length of her body, and the dampness that is now pooling swiftly at the juncture of her thighs.

"Hey, sweetheart, we should slow down a bit here," Olivia breathes raggedly as she pulls back from Amanda just enough so that she can see the other woman's shadowed face but making sure that their bodies are still touching; not wanting to take away the physical closeness that Amanda seems to require so much right now but realizing that there are a multitude of things they need to talk about that go well beyond the aftermath of what had occurred with Charles Patton.

"You don't want to be with me?" Amanda questions in a tone that is infused with hurt as she backs further away from Olivia on the sheets, a frown marring her delicate features and her previously pale complexion flushed brightly with the varying emotions of the night.

"Amanda, I want to be with you more than anything," Olivia whispers with heated sincerity, raising a hand to try and smooth out the wrinkled frown that is deepening on the detective's forehead. "But there are just so many things that we need to talk about first. We haven't even discussed whatever _this_ is between us, and you're just so emotionally fragile right now, sweetheart. It wasn't my intention for things to go in this direction when I got into bed with you." She realizes just how ridiculous this sounds in light of the fact that they are both lying there in nothing but their bras and panties, but her initial purpose had only been to provide comfort and nothing more.

There is a slight pause as she feels her own stab of hurt when she remembers Amanda's somewhat callous statement earlier that day, even though she knows it was likely spoken that way due to the need to be independent and distance herself while going through something so traumatizing, but Olivia can't stop the words that come tumbling from her mouth. "And I seem to recall you saying that we weren't in a relationship; that we were just friends."

"So friends can't make out with each other in bed while only wearing their underwear?" Amanda replies in a surprisingly lighthearted tone that causes a smile to spread across Olivia's face before her heart clenches painfully inside her chest at the younger woman's next question. "Is it because of what I've been...doing to myself? Is that why you want to stop? I know you said that you don't think I'm ugly, but..."

Amanda's voice trails off uncertainly again and her eyes squeeze shut as she presses a hand over her mouth in an apparent attempt to muffle a sob, and Olivia is immediately scrambling toward the shaking form and taking Amanda back into her embrace, placing feartherlight kisses against her temple and murmuring soothing words into her ear.

"That isn't it at all, honey," she assures her gently, pressing her lips over and over again to the side of Amanda's head in an effort to calm her. "This was just meant to be about comfort and getting the images of Patton out of your head. There's plenty of time in the future to take things further, if that's what we both decide to do; if we choose to take our relationship to the next level, but now is not the time, sweetheart."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," Amanda agrees grudgingly, although there is still a twinge of hurt and rejection that lingers in her tone, a tear hovering on the edge of her lower lashes. "Thank you for coming over here tonight, Olivia. Thank you for taking care of me."

"You're more than welcome," Olivia replies softly, gathering the younger woman impossibly closer to her beneath their warm cocoon of blankets. "I would do anything for you, Amanda; anything at all." She ghosts her lips over a cheek that is flushed and damp before peering down at the small form cuddled so tightly into her arms. "Are you doing any better now, sweetheart? Are you okay?"

There is a seemingly contemplative silence for several seconds following Olivia's inquiry before Amanda looks up at her and their eyes meet in the moonlight, the depth of pain that is evident in those large blue orbs enough to make Olivia's breath catch in her throat.

"No, Liv, I'm not okay," Amanda finally admits in a small voice that is ringing with truth, the tear that had been balancing precariously on her lashes breaking free and rolling slowly down her face. "I haven't been okay for a very long time now."


	8. Chapter 8

**_MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS_ _for mentions of rape, violence, and self harm. This chapter starts off with a very disturbing scene so please keep this in mind if any of these subject matters are a trigger for you or if they are too difficult for you to read – I cannot stress this enough!_**

 **I have changed some of the details that took place in the motel room with Amanda and Patton.**

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When Amanda slowly opens the door and steps hesitantly inside the seedy motel room, she is instantly aware that this is just a dream; that the horrific scene currently playing out before her is only inside her head and is not actually happening right at this moment, but had instead occurred years ago in another time and place, a distant memory that refuses to be buried. She knows that she is safe in her own cozy bed in her apartment building in New York; that she is curled up under the covers with Olivia and not about to lie down across a dingy mattress with the man who has haunted her nightmares since her time in Atlanta. Even so, Amanda is unable to open her eyes and free herself from this terrifying dreamscape; cannot seem to escape this room and this monster no matter how hard she tries, trapped in a situation of her own making that she now must contend with.

"Don't look so nervous over there, darlin'. This is going to be fun; a great way to kick off the weekend," Charles Patton growls at her from his relaxed position on the bed, the deputy chief already loosening his tie and undoing the top buttons of the dress shirt he had been wearing at the precinct earlier that day. "I did you a huge favor and now you're doing one for me in return. It's as simple as that, Mandy. It doesn't have to be the big deal that you're making it out to be."

There is a brief pause as the older man's eyes rake leisurely up and down her fully clothed body in a disconcertingly lascivious manner, a thick pink tongue poking out of his mouth to rub suggestively against his bottom lip and causing Amanda to feel stark naked and completely exposed before she has even removed one article of clothing. "Now get over here and join me right this instant before I have to stand up and make you do it myself. If I am forced to get up off of this bed in order to assist you, there's going to be hell to pay, Miss Rollins. I'm in a good mood right now but that can all change in a split second, do you understand me? Just do as you're told and we'll get along fine. I'll receive my payment for helping your sister out of a jam and then we can both move on with our lives like nothing ever happened. Does that sound good to you?"

Amanda nods tentatively in agreement, taking another slow step toward the bed and trying to suppress a shudder of revulsion that races down her spine as the movement brings her that much closer to Patton's sprawled form. Her boss' legs are crossed one over the other on top of the thin quilt, his hands braced behind his head as he leans against the pockmarked wall that the mattress is shoved into, looking for all the world like they are about to snuggle up and watch a movie or a baseball game with each other; just a regular couple unwinding together after a long and busy week at work.

Amanda knows better, though; the sickening feeling that has been churning around inside her stomach since they had first come to this ill-conceived agreement a stark reminder that although Patton may be able to move on with his life like nothing is different, hers will never be the same again; that she is about to be changed in a way that cannot be undone and that will never allow her to go back to the way life was before. What had happened to her when she was younger is about to happen again but this time because she had agreed to it and is fully complicit in the secretive and disgusting act that is about to take place, this knowledge filling her with a nausea and shame that will not abate.

"Take off your clothes before I have to do it for you," her deputy chief barks out in a commanding order once Amanda is standing right beside the bed on legs that are trembling so hard, her knees are practically knocking together, hands curled into sweaty fists down by her sides. "I wanna see what you've been hiding under those plaid shirts and jeans that you're so fond of wearing. There _is_ a woman's body underneath all of those boyish clothes, right?"

Patton chuckles loudly like this is the funniest thing in the world, slapping a hand hard against his knee and gesturing impatiently toward Amanda's violently shaking form. "Don't try to hide from me, Mandy. I want everything off right this second. Every last stitch of that distasteful outfit that's not fit for a proper Southern lady. Back in my day, a woman wore skirts and dresses and heels, whether she was at the office or at home; not this sloppy excuse for proper work attire. Of course, there were much less women at the precinct in those days; not so many female detective as there are now."

Patton rolls his eyes up toward the ceiling like the mere notion of a woman in the police force is an abomination and one that he won't stand for, the panic spiking sharply through Amanda like a knife now, as she wasn't prepared for the way things are currently going; had mistakenly thought they would be under the covers with the lights turned out and she would only have to feel what was being done to her body, that she wouldn't have to worry about him actually _seeing_ her. But the cheap lights are blazing brightly inside the small motel room, a trickle of fading daylight peeking in through heavy curtains that have not been closed all the way across the dirty window, and Amanda feels like every single inch of her body is about to be put on display for this perverted man to view; that the habit she has been so meticulous about hiding for all of these years is about to be thrust out into the open in the worst possible way and revealed to the last person on earth that she would ever want to share it with.

She feels like she doesn't have a choice in the matter, though; that she has come this far for Kim, for the sister she would do absolutely anything for, and that she has to see this situation right through to the very end, no matter what the consequences may be. Amanda chastises herself for thinking that she could somehow get away with her body going unseen during the horrendous act that is about to take place; that she would actually have been able to hide herself from Patton's inebriated yet probing gaze.

The older man is grinning drunkenly at her as she begins slowly unbuttoning the blue plaid shirt she is wearing, biting down on her bottom lip hard enough to draw a drop of blood to the surface and wincing sharply when her white cotton bra comes into view. Patton chuckles again as he watches her very intently, but this time the sound is in a much lower register with a hint of seduction apparent, his eyes hazy and hooded with the large amount of alcohol that he had obviously indulged in before coming to the motel.

Amanda wishes she was drunk right now as well; that she was so incredibly wasted and incoherent that she didn't have to feel each and every thing that was happening in such an acutely intense fashion, both physically and emotionally, her heart racing inside her chest in such a way that the thumping might actually be audible, the small amount of food she had choked down at a diner after work threatening to come back up and land all over the floor in a gruesome mess of partly digested French fries and soda.

"Keep going, Mandy," Patton urges in a mesmerized tone when Amanda's shirt slips from her shoulders and flutters to the ground, his gaze trained unwaveringly upon her body with a concentration that is disturbingly attentive, considering how much he has had to drink.

She cautiously unbuckles her belt and unzips her jeans with hands that are shaking so hard she can barely control her actions, and all too soon Amanda is standing there in just her bra and panties with her clothes pooled at her feet, Patton sitting up eagerly on the bed now and leaning forward as he appraises her body with a watchful eye and a curious frown.

Amanda is painfully aware that a scar on one of her breasts is partially visible, the jagged pinkish-white line just barely peeking out over the top of the cotton material and that the older man's gaze seems to be fixated right upon it like he is unsure of exactly what he is looking at; the rest of her self-inflicted marks about to be entirely exposed for the first time since this habit had started.

"You're not done, Miss Rollins," Patton hisses in a sinister tone that suggests he is going to make good on his word of doing it for her if she doesn't continue to disrobe for him in a timely fashion.

"I-I don't want to," Amanda stutters out fearfully, her heart seizing with anxiety inside her chest at the thought of this monster discovering her most closely-guarded secret, her body laid bare for him to see and use in whichever way he pleases.

" _What?_ " Patton snarls in an offended voice as he suddenly lunges forward on the bed as if to grasp roughly onto her arm, Amanda leaping back with a gasp of alarm and practically tripping over the discarded clothes that are scattered across the tiled floor. "We had an agreement, Miss Rollins. You either go through with this or your sister is fucked." He cocks his head to the side as a smirk spills across his lips, those ever-watchful eyes narrowing as he speaks again. "Fucked in more ways than one, if you get my drift."

"Don't you dare touch her!" Amanda snaps back in a rage that has at once overtaken her terror, Patton looking momentarily surprised at the amount of venom in her tone before the smirk grows into a grin of immense satisfaction as she hurriedly sheds the remainder of her clothing before he can threaten Kim again, knowing full well that he will do exactly as he says he will and not prepared to risk it; not when it comes to her little sister.

"Well, _shit_ ," Patton chokes out with a disgusted laugh as leans back on his elbows against the floral-patterned quilt that is draped haphazardly across the bed, that scrutinizing gaze roaming up and down Amanda's naked body with a disturbing attention to detail as he takes in every square inch of exposed skin. "What the hell happened to you? Where did all those scars come from?"

"I was in an accident when I was younger," Amanda mumbles almost inaudibly as she stares down at the floor in shame, unable to meet the deputy chief's inquisitive gaze now that she is standing there completely nude and cannot hide anything, a profuse blush of embarrassment creeping across her pale cheeks.

"No, I don't think that's correct," Patton replies skeptically, eyebrows lifting high on his forehead as he ducks his chin down as if trying to get Amanda to meet his gaze. "You wouldn't be lying to your superior now, would you, Mandy? Because those look like self-inflicted wounds to me."

"I was in an accident," she insists in a stronger tone of voice now, her eyes raising to meet his and fixing upon him without blinking, her hands clenching into tight fists down at her sides and a sheen of sweat breaking out across her chest. "It was a car accident."

"You're a piss-poor liar," he snorts with a shake of his head and a roll of his eyes, backing up further onto the bed and gesturing toward her with a firm hand. "You're not nearly as pretty as I thought you were, but I suppose you'll have to do. I'll just have to make the best of it, even though the goods aren't anywhere close to what I thought they were."

"Well, if I'm so hideous, maybe we shouldn't be doing this, then," Amanda reasons as calmly as she can, strangely stung by this remark and still absurdly hoping that there might be some possible way to escape this situation; deciding that she might actually be able to use this to her own advantage and wondering if she should dare reach down for her discarded clothing as she is so desperate to be fully covered again. "I can just leave and we can forget all about this."

"Nice try, Miss Rollins," Patton snickers with a determined glare, gesturing more emphatically at her now. "You either get up on this bed with me right this instant or come Monday morning, the entire precinct will know about your interesting habit, do you hear me? You're gonna lose your job; they're gonna lock you up in the loony bin when I tell everyone what you've been doing to yourself, you little freak."

There is complete silence in the room now as they stare each other down, Amanda's overwhelming terror of the situation threatening to strangle her, feeling as if invisible hands have wrapped themselves around her throat and are squeezing as hard as they possibly can, the grip becoming tighter with every passing second. The fear that has encompassed her entire being is so all-consuming, that for a fleeting moment the consequences of just scooping her clothes right off the floor and making a run for it are non-existent; the whole precinct being made aware of her secret habit and the possibility of Patton going after her sister in a sexual way not hindering her thoughts of escape at all.

That very brief hesitation is enough for Patton to suddenly spring up from the bed and grab her angrily by the upper arm, apparently under the impression that Amanda is about to try and vacate the premise and willing to do anything he can to stop her. A panicked scream explodes from Amanda's mouth as he tosses her forcefully onto the bed like she weighs nothing at all, her head smacking with an audible bang against the wall and his heavy body coming down to cover her own as his lips hover right beside her ear, whispering little words that she is actually relieved to hear.

"Wake up, Amanda."

Amanda's eyelids fly open with a loud gasp as she flings herself upright in the bed, her gaze bouncing wildly around the darkened room until it comes to rest upon Olivia who is struggling to sit up beside her among the rumpled covers, murmuring over and over again for Amanda to wake up and that everything is fine and she is safe. She huddles there amid the sheets, breathing harshly while taking careful stock of her surroundings and spotting Frannie lying in a furry lump on the floor, apparently as yet undisturbed by the drama that is taking place in the bed, remembering that she and Olivia had settled down to go to sleep after Amanda had admitted that she hasn't been okay for a long time now but had been unwilling to elaborate any further on the subject.

She is reminded of the intense flashback that she had experienced while getting ready for bed and her alarmed phone call to Olivia, as well as begging the older woman to lie down skin to skin with her in the bed to help get the feeling of Patton off of her body and out of her mind. Amanda is still clad only in her bra and panties, as is Olivia, the brunette reaching out a worried and soothing hand toward her across the short length of the mattress, but Amanda is yanking herself out of her sergeant's grip before Olivia has barely made contact, not even bothering to throw some pajamas on as she leaps from the bed and sprints toward the bathroom, knowing there is not enough time to cover herself up.

Amanda collapses onto the cold tiles of the floor and vomits several times in quick succession, leaning wearily away from the toilet and wiping a trembling arm over her mouth when she is sure that she is done. The memories of what had taken place during that first time in the motel room with her former deputy chief are so acute and disturbing, it's as if they have just happened all over again as she has been forced to relive that horrific event in her dreams.

Amanda notices that Olivia is standing somewhat uncertainly in the doorway of the bathroom with Frannie by her side, clad in a short red robe now and holding another robe in her hand, dark tresses mussed and tangled around her face and observing her with a wary but concerned look, as if unsure of whether or not to fully enter the room and come any closer due to her friend's state of undress and severe emotional distress. They stare at each other for a quiet moment, Amanda shifting on the floor so that she is curled into the side of the toilet now, her knees pulled up to her chin and one arm banding around her shins while she braces the other on top of the seat.

"Are you okay, sweetheart?" Olivia inquires softly, and Amanda can tell by her tone that the brunette knows what a ridiculous question it is, even as she is asking it. "Did you have a bad dream?"

Amanda nods slowly and watches as Olivia takes a tentative step inside the room and holds out the other robe toward her, an anguished expression flitting over the older woman's sleepy features, as if it is physically hurting Olivia to see her friend in such agony.

"Here, honey, do you want to put this on?" she says gently, crouching down on the floor next to Amanda with the robe draped over her arm and the material beginning to pool in her lap. "I know you don't want me to see your body while you're uncovered like this."

Despite the fact that she is sitting there crumpled up on the bathroom floor in the middle of the night, wearing nothing but a bra and a pair of underwear that leave very little to the imagination and are exposing several of her self-inflicted wounds, Amanda shocks herself by reaching out to swipe the robe away from where it is spread across Olivia's knees and climbing into the other woman's lap instead. For a split second, Olivia seems just as shocked as Amanda is before she feels the brunette's arms winding themselves around her bare waist and pulling her quivering, nearly bare body more firmly into her embrace.

"Oh, baby, come here, I've got you," Olivia soothes into her ear, rocking Amanda gently back and forth on her lap and smoothing a tender hand through long strands of snarled blonde locks. "You're shaking like crazy, sweetheart. Do you need to throw up again? That nightmare was pretty awful, wasn't it? Do you want to talk about it?"

There is a slight pause as Olivia leans away from her so they are face to face now, brown eyes boring intensely into blue. "Sorry I'm asking so many questions at once, honey. You just scared me for a minute there; I could hear you talking in your sleep, I could hear some of the things you were saying. You were having a conversation with Patton, weren't you? In the motel room?"

Amanda doesn't respond for a moment, and then nods slowly in confirmation as she reaches for one of Olivia's hands and links their fingers together, squeezing softly and feeling the older woman squeeze back immediately. She is very surprised at her own behavior right now, as this is usually the point where she pulls away both physically and emotionally; where she shuts down completely and builds that impenetrable wall around herself, the gigantic force field she has been constructing for decades so that no one else can get in, but things have begun changing that night. Amanda has found that she still wants to be close to Olivia in every single aspect, despite being almost naked and a large number of her scars on full display, as well as suffering through yet another horrific nightmare; desperate for the comfort and love that only her friend can provide.

She now knows beyond a shadow of a doubt that this is indeed love and that it is not just one-sided; that what has been happening between them ever since Amanda had taken it upon herself to guide Olivia through the horrendous aftermath of what the older woman had endured with Lewis has been a slowly blossoming expression of friendship and solidarity and a love of the deepest kind; Olivia dropping everything to race to Amanda's aid after a long day at the precinct and having to withstand the hurtful words that were said inside her office, as well as shedding her clothing to be skin to skin beneath the covers so Amanda would feel safe.

She is overcome with a wave of sheer emotion that is so strong, it nearly knocks her right from Olivia's lap and onto the floor; so grateful that the other woman is still here to hold her and listen to her, even after Amanda has done everything she possibly can to push her boss away and hold her at arm's length, and the words come spilling from her mouth before she stop them, as if the sentences have a mind of their own and are determined to be said despite the fact that she continually pushes this particular feeling deep down inside.

"I love you, Olivia," Amanda whispers in a heartfelt tone that is barely audible, her throat so tight that she can barely speak, watching intently as the older woman's eyebrows fly upwards in surprise and her jaw drops open briefly before clenching shut again on a wave of her own deep emotion, a tear appearing at the corner of one exhausted dark eye. "Thank you for staying with me through all of this. Please don't ever leave me, Liv."

"I'm not-" Olivia's voice is so choked up with an mixture of emotions that only seem to be growing more intense as they sit there wrapped up so snugly in each other's arms, that Amanda is not the only one having difficulty talking, her eyelids fluttering closed as the brunette places a soft kiss upon her forehead. "I'm not going to leave you, Amanda. _Ever_. I love you, too. I'm so in love with you that sometimes I don't even know what to do with myself; how to handle a feeling so strong. I've never felt this way about anyone before."

"Neither have I," Amanda confirms quietly, her breath catching sharply in her throat as she makes a quick decision and slides their entwined hands down onto her bare stomach before she can stop herself, letting the tips of Olivia's fingers rest against the bruises that had been inflicted upon her out in the field and the thick scar that encircles her navel, the jagged line visible just above the waistband of her panties.

"Patton used to run his finger around my belly button," she breathes out harshly, her heart hammering wildly inside her chest now as she begins to confess some of the horrific events that had taken place years in the past but are still affecting her just as strongly as if they had happened only recently. "When he was being gentle with me, this is one of the things he would do after...afterwards."

Amanda drags her gaze away from where their joined hands are laying upon her lap, biting her lip when she sees the tears that are now running noiselessly down the older woman's cheeks and dripping off her chin, Olivia's face crumpled into an anguished mask of empathy and compassion as she stares back at her. "I have a lot of these marks, Liv. A lot of these...scars...that I put there myself. I've done a lot of things that I'm not proud of, in order to cope with the...shame. I need you to know what I've been doing."

She draws in a deep breath and blows it out slowly, feeling Olivia's fingers tightening around her own. "I was able to stop for a really long time. I was able to cope with things without resorting to doing...this. But then Patton and I spent a night together in a motel room...a night that was followed by many, many more. And then it started again. And this time I couldn't stop. It was more under control before he came to New York last month; something that I could just do as a way to deal with a nightmare or a flashback, but when everything happened with Reese Taymor, it became almost constant. My trip to Costa Rica only made things worse; I spent most of my time holed up in the hotel room and hurting myself, while doing everything I could to cover up my body whenever I had to leave. I-I lied about how well it went. It was a disaster, Liv."

"I'm so sorry, sweetheart," Olivia murmurs in a hushed tone, one hand coming up to smooth tenderly over Amanda's cheekbone while the other remains resting lightly against her stomach, their fingers still linked firmly together over the scar. "I am so sorry for what you've had to endure for all of this time; for what that bastard put you through back in Atlanta and what he is continuing to put you through now."

There is a somewhat hesitant pause, the tears running in rivulets down Olivia's cheeks without abating, although Amanda's eyes have remained curiously dry throughout this whole emotional exchange, regarding the other woman intently as she seems to be gearing herself up to say something. "I'm going to ask you the same question I asked yesterday," Olivia murmurs gently, her fingers threading through Amanda's hair again as she speaks. "How long has this been going on for? Is this the reason things with Patton were so prolonged; why it continued after that initial night? Because he saw the scars that were already there?"

"Yes," Amanda whispers in confirmation, realizing that she is very lightly tracing Olivia's fingertip around the mark encircling her navel and immediately stilling her hand. "The habit had actually stopped a long time ago, but he threatened to tell everyone at the precinct that I was hurting myself if I didn't keep meeting with him on a regular basis; if I didn't do exactly what he instructed me to do whenever we were together. I was afraid that I was going to lose my job. And I was afraid that he would hurt Kim. Of course, the habit started up again after I met with Patton that first time but I kept thinking he would be turned off enough to put stop to what was going on; that the more I did it, the less he would want me. It never happened, though. He would just tell me how ugly I was but that he had no choice except to put up with it; like sleeping with me was some duty or burden he was forced to endure and he wasn't doing it because he was actually enjoying himself."

She feels Olivia gently tugging her head down to rest against her chest and that tender rocking motion starts up again, a pair of soft lips pressing themselves into the crown of her head. "I need you to know what you're getting into with me, Liv," Amanda warns quietly as she clutches the other woman firmly around the waist, aware that Frannie has trotted over to their cuddled position on the floor and is now settling herself down beside them. "I need you to know how damaged I am; the things that I've done to cope, the things that I can't seem to stop doing even though I said that I could. And that I've always been this fucked up person who can't handle the stress when certain things happen to me."

 _"Amanda."_ Olivia utters her name in a gently scolding manner as they continue to rock back and forth together in a soothing motion on the cold tiles of the floor. "You are not a fucked up person, do you understand me? Everyone finds different ways to cope in the aftermath of a traumatic event. And I'm so glad that you've been able to start telling me some of the things that have happened to you in your life. But sweetheart, I need you to listen very carefully to me when I tell you that you need help and you need it now. I'm not going to let you suffer like this any longer. I love you too much to let this go on."

There have been no hint of tears during her horrific nightmare and this entire highly-charged emotional exchange, but Amanda suddenly feels her eyes welling up rapidly and the tears spilling over, muffling a ragged sob against Olivia's chest at the sheer amount of love that is evident in the older woman's words and actions; finally able to acknowledge how desperately she needs help and the relief she feels at no longer being alone with this burden, but privately admitting that she hasn't told Olivia everything yet.


	9. Chapter 9

_**MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS for discussions of rape and self harm. **_

**Please keep in mind how dark this storyline is before continuing to read.** _ **  
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"Liv, are you sure there's nothing I can do? I know you're not telling me the whole story here. I'm just worried."

Olivia is sprawled tiredly against the cushions of the couch in Amanda's living room, her eyes closed and her feet propped up on the coffee table in front of her as she listens to the concerned voice of her longtime friend and co-worker on the other end of the line, the slight tremble in Fin's normally neutral tone indicating that he is indeed quite worried for his partner.

"Fin, things are a bit rough for Amanda right now and that's why she called me for help last night," Olivia explains as evasively as she possibly can while glancing over at the clock on the wall and mentally calculating just how long the younger woman has been gone from the apartment, Amanda and Frannie having left quite some time ago for a jog in the park.

Hours of serious conversation had occurred during the night after the blonde detective's frantic phone call while in the midst of a sudden flashback and the horrific nightmare that had followed, and it has been decided that Amanda will go on another temporary leave until things are a bit more under control for her and she is able to start seeing a therapist on a regular basis. Despite knowing that her team will already be short-staffed yet again by Amanda's absence in the squad room, Olivia has made the decision to work from the other woman's apartment for the day, as she does not feel entirely comfortable leaving Amanda alone for the time being; keeping in regular contact with Fin, Amaro and Carisi and organizing everything to do with their current caseload from her present location. She has also put in a call to Dr. Lindstrom to schedule another referral appointment for Amanda, since the younger woman had decided not to attend the last one she had booked and had previously been so adamant on not needing therapy, and has been able to get her in on an emergency basis later that afternoon.

Olivia has been as vague as she can possibly be while explaining Amanda's situation to the other members of their team, and has simply let the three detectives know that their colleague had returned to work a little too early after her retreat to Costa Rica and just needs some extra time before she is ready to come back on a more permanent basis. Olivia has not included any unnecessary details, such as the fact that she has practically moved into the younger woman's home this week; or the state of their relationship, which has exploded into something that extends far beyond that of a deep friendship with their declarations of love for one another on the bathroom floor and cuddling nearly naked in Amanda's bed during the night.

Sleep had finally come after much tossing and turning and the continual soothing of Amanda, who had still been very out of sorts by the time they had dragged themselves from the cold bathroom tiles and back under the warm covers of the bed, Frannie leaping up onto the mattress to snuggle in close beside them and creating a messy but comforting tangle of human and canine limbs. Olivia's slumber had been disjointed and disturbing, more nightmares of being tortured by Lewis mixing in with having to watch Amanda be hurt by Patton, until the two monsters had bled together into one and Olivia had jerked awake just as the sun was rising in the sky, her mouth wide open in a noiseless scream and clenching her jaw firmly shut before any sound could be released, desperately trying not to wake Amanda.

The younger woman has been shockingly agreeable about taking another short leave from work, and Olivia figures she had known it was coming and it is something that has become unavoidable at this point; the need for immediate help trumping everything else, including the job Amanda loves so much. The blonde detective had been suspiciously chipper upon rising that morning, putting a leash on an enthusiastic Frannie almost as soon as she had awakened and heading out the door into the cold winter day in her running clothes, along with a woolly hat and matching gloves; reminding Olivia of the way she had acted on her first day back to work when their lunch break had turned into a comedy hour. They had agreed that Amanda would pick up some breakfast from a diner down the street on her way back, and Olivia's stomach rumbles hungrily as she eagerly awaits the woman she loves and the promise of food.

She had been quite reluctant to let Amanda out of her sight earlier that morning, an uneasy feeling churning around in the pit of her stomach, but Olivia knows that she can't stay glued to the other woman's side twenty-four hours a day and there will be times that they will have to be separated. She still can't help the enormous sigh of relief that escapes her mouth when the key turns in the lock and the doorknob rattles slightly before opening, Frannie bounding enthusiastically into the apartment in front of her red-cheeked and windblown owner, who is holding a couple of greasy paper bags that are weighed down with delicious-smelling breakfast food and a tray of piping hot cups of coffee.

Olivia springs instantly to her feet to help Amanda unload everything onto the counter in the kitchen while Frannie repeatedly leaps up onto both of them until Amanda gently scolds her but gives the dog a treat from one of the cupboards so she will calm down. They get settled quietly at the table with their meals after Amanda sheds her outdoor wear, Olivia glancing curiously in her direction as Amanda seems to be avoiding her gaze, blonde head bent low as she concentrates on opening one of the containers of food.

"So how was your run?" she asks with a forced lightheartedness, even though her thoughts are swimming with concern and she is not really interested in talking about jogging; aware that one of the best things for Amanda is to get some exercise in the chilly winter air but unable to keep from worrying every single second that she is not physically with the other woman.

"It was fine," Amanda replies casually around a mouthful of food, giving a half shrug with one shoulder as large blue eyes finally dart upwards long enough to grace Olivia with a glance. "Pretty cold out there, though. I think I'm going to take a long, hot shower once we're done eating. I need to get warmed up."

"That sounds like a good idea," Olivia concurs softly, although there is a hint of uncertainty in her voice as she thinks about what Amanda has been doing to herself when she is alone in the bathroom, reaching across the table to grasp onto her forearm as the younger woman picks up her cup of coffee to take a sip. "How are you doing right now, honey? Did the jog help clear your head a little bit? Are you feeling better than you were during the night? You must be pretty tired today."

"No more tired than you are, I'm sure," Amanda mumbles under her breath, a brief flash of guilt visible in those cobalt orbs before they fall away from Olivia's intent gaze to focus on her breakfast once again. "You were up for half of the night too, Liv."

"It's okay, sweetheart, I didn't mind," Olivia assures her honestly, reluctantly removing her hand from the younger woman's arm so that she can continue eating. "I'm glad that I was able to be there for you when you needed me. I love you so much, Amanda."

There is a compulsive urge to keep saying the same words that she had said for the very first time during the night; that need to repeat them over and over again until she loses her breath, as if the deep and everlasting love that has been growing inside of Olivia over the past couple of years will somehow be enough to save Amanda from herself, to stop her from the dangerous and self-destructive habit that she has felt compelled to do since long before Charles Patton had ever entered the picture.

Olivia knows they still have so much more to talk about; that they have barely begun to scratch the surface of everything that Amanda has been through over the course of her lifetime, but that she has to exercise a certain amount of patience and self control right now; aware that Amanda is exhausted and depleted, both body and soul, and that she most likely needs a short break from all of the in-depth and emotionally painful discussions they have been sharing lately.

"I love you too, Olivia." The blonde detective's voice is a heartfelt murmur that is barely heard over the clicking of canine toenails on the kitchen floor and Frannie's high-pitched whines, the noises indicating that the dog wishes to share their breakfast despite gobbling down her treat at record speed and being fed her own food before they had gone on their run. "And I'm doing okay today; better than I thought I'd be, actually. I'm really looking forward to that long, hot shower and some time where I don't have to talk or think too much about anything for a little while, though. I just want to relax right now."

"I think relaxing for the rest of the morning before you see Dr. Lindstrom this afternoon would be the best thing for you," Olivia readily agrees, although that simmering trepidation is spiking even further now, fully aware that she won't be able to concentrate on her work at all with Amanda left up to her own devices in the bathroom, and desperate to make sure she doesn't come to any sort of harm.

She watches as the younger woman begins to gather up the remains of a meal that was only partially eaten and chews nervously on the corner of her lip before making a decision and reaching across the table to grasp onto Amanda's arm again and trying to put a halt to the detective's movements. "Sweetheart, before you start your shower, I would like to take a look around the bathroom." Olivia keeps her voice as soft and soothing as she possibly can, her heart clenching painfully in her chest at the immediate flash of hurt and guilt in the wide blue eyes that are now locked intently onto her own, Amanda having paused momentarily in her motions of cleaning up.

"Why?" she asks uneasily, even though it is obvious that Amanda knows exactly what the reason is for Olivia to be making this particular request.

"I just want to make sure you're safe, honey," Olivia replies gently, frowning in concern when Amanda swiftly pulls her arm away from her touch and begins heading down the hall toward the bathroom.

"Well, I need to shave my legs," she throws back casually over her shoulder as she pauses at the entrance to the room, Olivia's frown deepening as she hurries to follow the other woman with Frannie quick on their heels.

"I don't think that's a good idea right now, Amanda," she answers in a firmer tone of voice as they both come to a halt in the doorway and stand shoulder to shoulder on the edge of the tiles, Olivia carefully surveying the contents of the room from where she stands and planning to go through every single item piece by piece if that's what it takes to make sure the woman she loves will not come to any more harm.

"So I'm not allowed to shave my legs?" Amanda rolls her eyes in derision, a slight sneer in her tone as she crosses her arms over her chest. "Well, that might not be very nice for you, Liv, especially if we're planning on spending more nights together in our underwear and I'm not clean shaven."

"Amanda, I couldn't care less about whether or not your legs are shaved," Olivia says sharply, her hands lifting to grip onto the younger woman's upper arms and turning physically Amanda toward her so they are facing each other. "I would just feel more comfortable if there weren't any razors in this room right now, okay?"

"You know a razor isn't the only thing that cuts, right?" Amanda murmurs under her breath, Olivia's eyes narrowing in suspicious fear and her heart starting up an uncomfortable galloping beat against her ribs.

"Okay, this conversation is starting to concern me here, Amanda," Olivia answers honestly, her hands sliding down the sleeves of the other woman's running shirt and linking their fingers together with a firm grip. "Your attitude is scaring me, honey. At the table you said that you felt like you were doing better today but I'm not really seeing much evidence of that right now. Stop acting so nonchalant about something that had you in such distress last night; something that you know is dangerous and is worrying the hell out of me. You need to stop pretending everything is fine when it's not; like you can just turn off your emotions when things get to be too much and you've decided that you've had enough. You don't have to do that, sweetheart. Not with me, okay?"

Olivia feels Amanda abruptly let go of her hands in order to cover her mouth, a stifled sob emitting from between her fingers as she clenches her eyes shut and turns away, her shoulders hunching up around her ears. She steps up behind the smaller woman's quivering form and loops her arms gently around Amanda's waist, resting her chin on the detective's thin shoulder and putting her lips right next to her ear.

"What's going on, honey?" she questions tenderly, pressing a light kiss to a now-damp cheekbone. "Please talk to me."

"I just really feel the need to get clean right now," Amanda whimpers quietly, her voice muffled against the hands that are still covering her face. "But you won't let me."

"Sweetheart, I'm not stopping you from taking a shower," Olivia corrects softly, gathering the shaking figure closer against her chest and placing another soothing kiss to her cheek. "I just don't want you to hurt yourself while you're in there. Because quite frankly, it seems like that's exactly what you want to do right now. I don't want to invade your privacy but I need a truthful answer when I ask you this: Do I need to sit in the bathroom with you while you shower?"

"Like a chaperone?" Amanda chokes out on what sounds like a half-laugh, half-cry, and Olivia knows without even being able to see the younger woman's face that Amanda is currently rolling her eyes.

"I'll do anything you need me to do," she confirms gently, her heart breaking when Amanda begins to weep quietly in front of her, the younger woman's head bowing down so that only her shiny blonde ponytail is visible. "What's wrong, sweetheart? Please tell me."

"I _do_ need a chaperone, Liv," Olivia hears a tiny squeak of a voice admit, and she lightly whirls the detective around in her embrace so that her arms are situated at Amanda's back as they face each other, tears trickling down the normally pale cheeks that are flushed bright with deep emotion and her jog out in the cold winter air. "That's the reason I went for a run; I needed to get out of here so I didn't hurt myself."

"Thank you for being honest with me, Amanda," Olivia replies softly, rubbing the pad of her thumb tenderly underneath one big blue eye that continues to leak tears, the younger woman's revelation causing a wave of relief that she hadn't done anything yet and had been able to trust Olivia with this knowledge, but the overwhelming feeling of sadness and fear that she has for the woman she loves is overriding everything else. "Why did you want to hurt yourself this morning? Is it because of everything that happened during the night? Has it all been too much for you?"

"What happened during the night was a lot to deal with," Amanda sniffles as she inhales a shuddering breath, her lip pulling down at the corner as another sob breaks loose and tears at Olivia's heart. "But I started getting texts from all of the guys earlier, after you told them I was going on another short break again. There was nothing wrong with the texts themselves; everyone is being very kind and supportive and letting me know that I can come and talk to them if I need to, but-"

"But what?" Olivia replies quietly, lifting a hand to sweep through silky blonde bangs when Amanda hesitates briefly and looks away, as if enveloped in deep shame.

"It just brought back memories...of Patton...when he threatened to tell everyone at my old precinct that I was hurting myself if I didn't do whatever he told me to do," Amanda whispers in a barely audible tone, her gaze still fixed firmly on the floor. "I was so terrified of anyone in Atlanta finding out, and I just thought about that scenario happening here, and what Fin and Amaro and Carisi and everyone else at work would think of me when they discovered what I have been trying so hard to hide and what Patton forced me to reveal to him..."

Amanda can barely seem to get the words out now, her small body shaking violently like she is completely overwhelmed by all of the emotions that she has been trying so hard to push down since she had awakened that day. "Like it's not enough that I was raped repeatedly by my former deputy chief, but I also do these terrible things to myself in private...I can't imagine more personal stuff like this coming out, Olivia. I can't stand the thought of them finding out anything else about me that's so...shameful and embarrassing. It was hard enough admitting all of this stuff to you. And I still...I still haven't told you everything yet."

"Sweetheart, no one else at the precinct will ever find about this, I promise you that," Olivia assures her vehemently, skimming her hands over the sides of Amanda's face and holding onto her head with a light grip so that they are staring intensely at one another again. "The only other people who will ever know are Dr. Lindstrom and the therapist that he will be referring you to; someone who can help you learn to deal with these complex issues and give you some coping mechanisms and an outlet for all of this trauma and pain. Beyond that, it's entirely up to you who knows and who doesn't."

Olivia's voice is both hushed and fierce when she speaks again, unable to get the disturbing and heartbreaking thought out of her head of the woman she loves being forced to commit disgusting and unwanted acts time and time again because someone who was in a higher power and should have protected her instead of choosing to inflict harm had discovered her secret. "But you will never, _ever_ have to worry about me threatening to tell anyone at the precinct, do you understand that? Whatever you say stays between us."

"God, Olivia, I _know_ you would never threaten me like that," Amanda chokes out as her hands slide up to cup Olivia's face in the same manner, the tears continuing to trail wet pathways over her pink cheeks. "It's just that everything that's happening is bringing up one memory that leads to another and then another, until my head is just so full of horrible past events that I can't stand it. It's just...it's a lot, Liv. I've shown you some of my scars and told you some things that have happened, and we've finally told each other how we feel...and don't get me wrong, that was the best thing anyone has ever said to me, but-"

"But it's all so overwhelming," Olivia finishes softly for her, closing the tiny gap between them to press a soothing kiss against Amanda's puckered forehead. "I understand that this is all feeling like too much, especially since you'll be discussing some of these things with Dr. Lindstrom this afternoon, so how about you just take a break for now, okay? Like you mentioned before, you don't have to talk or think about anything for the next little while; you just need to relax, alright?"

At Amanda's shaky nod, Olivia gives her another comforting kiss and takes a small, cold hand into her own to lead the other woman into the bathroom, gently shooing Frannie away when the dog tries to join them. "How about I run you a nice hot bath, and I'll just sit out here in the hallway so you can have some privacy but I'll be close by if you need me?"

"Or you can take a bath with me," Amanda suggests shyly, gazing at her imploringly with those giant blue eyes as a stray tear clings to her lower lashes. "I know you want to keep an eye on me, Liv, and I don't think I really want to be alone right now anyway."

"Are you sure about this?" Olivia replies softly, her heart racing in her chest for a different reason now as she images being skin to skin with Amanda again, but this time with absolutely no barriers. "I know you're just starting to feel comfortable with me seeing different parts of your body and I don't want to do anything that might cause a flashback or make you feel unsafe."

"We can put bubbles in the tub," Amanda says with a hint of a smile ghosting her lips now as she bends down to open the cupboard doors beneath the sink, producing a giant bottle of bubble bath and setting it on the counter. "I can get in first and then you can join me, so I'll be covered up when you come in."

There is a prolonged pause as Amanda digs deeper into the cupboard for a moment and then produces a pink plastic object that sits on the palm of a slightly trembling hand as she holds it out to Olivia in offering. "I took this out of the tub first thing this morning and put it in the cupboard because I thought that maybe if it was out of sight, it would be out of mind." Her lips twist into a wry smile and she gives a self-deprecating shake of her blonde head, along with a shrug of her shoulders. "It didn't work out so well, though, so I had to go for a run before I did anything to hurt myself."

Olivia's heart is thumping as she slowly reaches out to take the razor from Amanda's hand before placing it down onto the counter next to the container of bubble bath and pulling the smaller woman up into her arms. "Thank you for giving that to me, sweetheart," she says emphatically as they embrace each other tightly and Amanda tucks her face somewhat bashfully into Olivia's shoulder. "I know that was a very difficult thing for you to do and I really appreciate you being able to trust me with this. I'm going to put it in another room for now and bring my phone in here just in case there are any calls from the precinct, okay? Things had slowed down the last time I talked to Fin, so hopefully they stay that way for a little while."

They stand there together on the cold tiled floor for several moments, holding each other with a firm and loving grip as if neither one can bear to be apart from the other for any length of time, before Olivia pulls away gently and leaves the room to give Amanda some privacy as she gets ready for their bath. She blinks rapidly at the anguished tears pooling in her eyes as she tucks the razor inside her purse for the time being and swipes her phone off the coffee table, willing them not to fall as she makes her way back to the bathroom.

There is plenty of time to discuss this particular issue and others throughout the course of the day, especially when Amanda has her appointment with Dr. Lindstrom that afternoon, but for now Olivia just wants the younger woman to rest and relax; the ongoing trauma of the severe nightmares and flashbacks and self-harm urges clearly taking a heavy toll on the blonde detective. She resolves to just spend this quiet time with Amanda while she can, the two of them cuddling together in the bathtub until they are most likely interrupted by the ringing of Olivia's cell phone; and she has to admit that she needs a short break from everything herself and hopes things stay calm at the precinct for just a little while.

When Olivia returns to the bathroom and knocks lightly, she enters again after hearing Amanda tell her to come in, twisting the knob and feeling her breath catch in her throat when she sees the other woman sitting inside the tub with bubbles up to her neck and her long blonde hair pulled into a messy bun on top of her head. Amanda's large blue eyes look clearer than they had just a few minutes ago, her cheeks flushed a bright pink and a shy smile lifting the corners of her lips as she motions for Olivia to join her.

There is complete silence in the room as Olivia sheds the sweatsuit she is wearing, along with her blue cotton bra and matching panties, scooping her dark tresses up into a matching sloppy bun and feeling Amanda's eyes lingering appreciatively on her the whole time. Her body is flushed with a variety of conflicting emotions and the beginning stages of arousal, her heart rate quickening once again in her chest as their gazes meet and lock, Amanda sliding forward in the tub to make room for Olivia to sit behind her.

She takes her time climbing over the edge of the slippery porcelain, knowing this is the first time they will be pressed skin to skin without the barrier of a towel or undergarments, and Olivia wants to give Amanda ample opportunity to change her mind, as she is ready to vacate the tub at a second's notice. There is no protest forthcoming, though; only a barely audible murmur of pleasure as Olivia settles herself down behind the smaller form and lets her legs come to rest on either side of Amanda's thighs as her arms slide slowly around a trim waist that is slick with bubbles. She feels Amanda sink back into her chest, the other woman's fingers entwining with her own and pulling Olivia's arms more tightly around her body and they sit there together in hushed silence, the warm water and closeness of the detective's slim figure a soothing balm to all of the chaos and pain that they have been made to endure lately.

Olivia prays that her phone stays quiet for just a short amount of time, throwing a wary glance toward the device that is perched on the counter as she pulls Amanda impossibly closer to her, the detective leaning her head back onto her shoulder with a sigh. She can feel the ridged scar ringing the other woman's belly button beneath her fingertips and knows that if she dares move her hands in any other direction, she is likely to feel more of the jagged marks that litter Amanda's skin and are usually kept well hidden by her clothing. Olivia keeps her hands as still as she possibly can while they continue snuggling into each other, aware that Amanda can feel the racing beat of her heart against her back but unable to slow the organ down when every part of their bodies are touching in this intimate way.

"Are you okay?" she whispers into the detective's ear, finally breaking the expectant silence between them and feeling Amanda nod against her shoulder. "Is this uncomfortable in any way for you, honey?"

"No," Amanda whispers back, tilting her head slightly so they are resting cheek to cheek, the other woman's blonde hair tickling the side of Olivia's neck as she catches a glimpse of her tender expression. "This feels so good, Liv...so right. I didn't...I didn't think I would ever be able to do something like this; I didn't think I would ever be able to be so close to you in so many ways, even though I've wanted to be for so long. I just didn't...I just didn't want you to see what kind of person I truly was; the things I've done in the past and continue to do in the present, especially since you've been through so much yourself, things that you had no control over..."

"Amanda, I love you more than I have ever loved anyone," Olivia murmurs reverently into the younger woman's ear, brushing a light kiss against a damp cheek. "I love all of you, body and soul, inside and outside, and I have loved you for a very long time now. Nothing that I have learned about you this week has changed any of that, okay? If anything, it's only made me love you more. I'm in awe of your strength and your ability to fight and carry on; to take such good care of me after what happened with Lewis, despite everything that you have been through."

There are tears swimming in Amanda's eyes once again as she turns fully around in the tub so that she is braced in the circle of Olivia's legs, sitting up to her full height and causing Olivia's breath to catch in her throat once again as the other woman's breasts come partially into view, bubbles clinging to her skin and sliding slowly down her body. She can see the hint of several uneven scars peeking out around the foamy droplets of water and does her best not to react, terrified that Amanda will think she is responding with disgust when it is actually a deep ache of sadness that penetrates down to the very core of her being, along with the internal acknowledgment of just how truly stunning Amanda is.

"This was the first scar he ever saw," the younger woman mumbles in a low voice that can barely be heard over the slight sloshing of the water as she suddenly picks up Olivia's hand and holds it against one of her breasts, Olivia's heart leaping sharply inside her chest at the unexpected contact. "Patton made me take off all of my clothes in front of him during that first night in the motel room and when I was getting undressed, this was the one he saw first. I could see it in his eyes; that he was already curious before I had even finished undressing because he had spotted this mark, and I knew things were only going to get worse from that point on."

"Amanda, I am so sorry, sweetheart," Olivia replies in a hushed tone as she delicately cups the blonde detective's breast in her hand, Amanda's palm laying over top of hers as they sit there in the bubbles together with their legs tangled into an intimate knot. "I am so sorry for what that monster put you through."

"Olivia, I don't know what it is about you," Amanda says softly as the fingers of her other hand come up to graze gently across Olivia's cheekbone. "I try to keep things from you and I want to take a break from sharing all of these horrible things, but there's just something about you that makes me want to tell you everything, even when I try to push it all deep down inside and all I can feel is shame. I've never felt this way for anyone before."

"You can tell me anything, honey," Olivia replies with a quiet vehemence, removing her hand from Amanda's breast and wrapping her arms around the younger woman's back to pull the detective into her lap, Amanda straddling her thighs as they cling to one another amidst the bubbles, their heads resting on each other's shoulders. "And you have absolutely nothing to be ashamed of. That shame belongs solely to Patton, not you. And I hope you will be able to realize that one day."

"No, some of that shame will always belong to me, Liv," Amanda insists quietly as she pulls away just enough so that blue eyes are blazing into brown with an intensity that takes Olivia's breath away. "Trust me, I deserve it."

"Why?" Olivia questions gently, feeling the tears from earlier swimming up to hover on her lashes again at the agonized certainty of Amanda's tone. "Why do you think you deserve it?"

"Because history was repeating itself when I didn't tell anyone that Patton had raped me and then he went on to do the same thing to Reese Taymor," Amanda replies in a choked tone as a lone tears slips down her cheek. "I was raped when I was a teenager, Olivia. Someone hurt me and I never told anyone. And this person went on to hurt someone else; someone I was very close to."

"Sweetheart, that was _not_ your fault," Olivia answers firmly, her heart breaking at this painful revelation but noticing the younger woman has a faraway look in her eyes now and no longer seems to be listening.

"The first scar that Patton saw..." Amanda's soft voice trails off before gesturing down toward the breast that she had just put Olivia's hand on, her beautiful features twisting with a depth of sorrow and torment that cause Olivia's own tears to spill in response. "That was the first time I hurt myself."


End file.
